Survey: Birth Parent Support Seeking

Did you relinquish your parental rights or have those rights terminated? There’s a survey about post placement support for birth parents. Share your experience and help to inform professionals so they can better serve birth parents.

You can help get the word out by sharing a link to the survey any and everywhere: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/PostPlacementSupportSeeking

Unsettled

I’m still not sure what I saw.

TeacherMan and I drove into the central meadow parking lot at Chambers Bay on our way to take PuppyFace to play in low tide. There was a car stopped in the street with it’s doors open.  Standing near a parked car were two teens.

The girl looked upset and the boy seemed to be in her face.  As we drove past the boy wrapped his arms around the girl and she appeared to be struggling to get free.  I could see a few other adults in the area a woman with her cell phone out a man at his car and another in the grass all staring at the scene unfolding. I don’t know how this scene began or how long it had been going on, but those aren’t the questions that are haunting me.  The question that is haunting me is “What were they waiting for?” tied to that is, “What would have happened if I hadn’t shown up?”

You see as soon as we parked I headed straight for the girl, TeacherMan hot on my heels trying to look menacing.  From a few yards away I asked, “are you alright” and then from a few feet away i asked again, “are you ok” By the time I asked the second time the boy had let her go and she looked at me and said she was ok. “are you sure” i asked but instead of answering she got in her car to leave.

It wasn’t until this point, the girl back in her own car that any of the other by standers said anything.  A man asked me if she was ok.  I replied that “she says she is” but really what I wanted to say was “what do you care you didn’t even try to intervene”. Maybe someone else would have had it gone on much longer, but how long and to what level did it need to escalate?

Perhaps it’s my own internalized sense of patriarchy that feels one of the men should have said something, should have told the boy to knock it off. Or maybe it’s my flawed sense of my own maturity that has an easier time thinking of myself in the same age group as the teens than as an adult that feels like one of the adults should have intervened, but then I realize I’m less than 60 days from my 30th birthday and thus an adult.

Each time the events unfold in my mind I start wondering why no one else stepped in.  (At this point TeacherMan, I’m sure, would want me to reiterate that he was attempting to look menacing in the general direction of the teens as we approached them).  Is it because we live in a society where it’s no longer the norm to tell other people’s kids how to behave? Is it because the teen was brown and dressed in typical teen fashion that tends to strike fear in the hearts of suburban yuppies? Is it because I acted immediately and didn’t give them a chance? (but then I return to what were they waiting for!)

I still don’t know what I saw but it’s left me unsettled.

Closing the Ever Revolving Door of the Birth Mom Closet

What happens when you take a bunch of people who tend to avoid group situations and put them all in a room add some CBT, a lil DBT, a large dose of mindfullness and mix it all together with some psycho education? Well apparently an 8 week group for those diagnosed with Anxiety and or Depression.

I completed my eighth session of group this week and thus graduated (i even got a certificate) from therapy group.  My first group there were 15 other participants my last group I was one of six. I’d like to say I was more comfortable as the group came to an end because I was cured of my neuroses, but realistically it was just because so many others had graduated before me and had not yet been replaced.

So if I wasn’t cured, what was a the take away from the group? Well I was reminded that I’m not as fucked up as some people of course I was also reminded that I’m more fucked up than others…or maybe it’s not the people but that I’m more or less fucked up in various ways than others. Regardless of how you frame it, it’s a nice reminder to have. I was really hoping for new ways to cope with my anxiety and panic, unfortunately we really just revisited skills I’ve already tried (most of which I’ve ruled out. I mean seriously anyone tried square breathing? it drives me batty I dont understand the people who say it helps)

As I walked back to my car Tuesday night I tried to figure out what I’d gained. During their last session some have said that they always left feeling better or having taken away something. I can’t say the same. Some days I left feeling good, others I felt completely drained, and once or twice I left feeling it had been a complete waste of time. And yet I’m glad I did it. I’m glad I made myself go to all eight sessions, because as I fiddled for my car keys in the  rain I realized I’d never really come out to the group.

I’d talked about my son and my son’s mom. I’d mentioned adoption as being one of my triggers. But never once did I say “I’m Katja and I’m a birth mom”. Never once did I pause to explain my relationship to my son or his mom or his brother.  I just said “my son’s mom called today…” and no one ever asked for clarification… I realize that it felt freeing to talk about Kidlet without stopping to clarify and I realized that I am now closing the ever revolving door of the birth mom closet.

I’m done coming out just to have to come out again with the next person i meet. I’m out. I’m a birth mom. I will talk about my son and his family and our interactions and I won’t pause to explain the relationships. If someone has questions fine they can ask and I can clarify, but I’m not going to offer an explanation as if i’m apologizing for having a complicated family.

Are There Standards for Adoption Facilitation Services?

Serious question: Are adoption facilitators regulated? Are there any standards they must adhere to?  I know they aren’t even allowed to work in some states, but in the states that they do operate in, do they have a set of rules they must follow?

I ask because my most recent interaction with Lifetime Adoption Center, has left me cold and worried for anyone else who has or will ever seek their help in planning an adoption from either side. I originally requested my records in 2009.  After a brief runaround I received a scanned copy of a questionnaire I had filled out at the beginning of the adoption process. I was disappointed  but didn’t press the issues.

A few weeks ago a friend requested her records.  She was able to get case notes from her agency, although they were incomplete/altered.  Another friend requested her records and was lied to and told they had no record of her.  We know this is a lie because they then suggested that she contact the lawyer who handled the adoption.  How could they provide her with the correct lawyer’s information if they had no record of her?

The experiences of my friends inspired me to try again.  I reached out and was immediately met with contempt.  The first person who answered the phone seemed to try to hide her disdain for me, but then she passed the phone to her supervisor.  Diane didn’t even try to hid her contempt. She kept repeating irrelevant information very slowly as if I just wasn’t getting it.  I kept telling her I understood that the legal paperwork was sealed but that wasn’t what I was seeking. I wanted my case notes. She then moved on to asking about Kidlet’s adoptive parents and our level of openness.  I relayed that I had actually spoken with M the day before and we were planning our next visit for the following month, but that this was also irrelevant to me getting my records. She tried then to claim they didn’t do case notes.  I challenged this as a social worker and as someone with common sense and she described to me what sounds an awful lot like case notes only apparently they don’t refer to them as that.  Regardless of what they call them I told her I’d like a copy and that I understood they’d need to be redacted if they contained identifying information about other parties. Her next tactic was to complain that she’d need to get the records from the off site archives.

For any non-social workers reading (or any social workers who haven’t read the NASW Code of Ethics recently) Let’s pause and look at a couple of excerpts from the Code of Ethics.

3.04 Client Records

(a) Social workers should take reasonable steps to ensure that documentation in records is accurate and reflects the services provided.

(b) Social workers should include sufficient and timely documentation in records to facilitate the delivery of services and to ensure continuity of services provided to clients in the future.

(c) Social workers’ documentation should protect clients’ privacy to the extent that is possible and appropriate and should include only information that is directly relevant to the delivery of services.

(d) Social workers should store records following the termination of services to ensure reasonable future access. Records should be maintained for the number of years required by state statutes or relevant contracts.

1.08 Access to Records

(a) Social workers should provide clients with reasonable access to records concerning the clients. Social workers who are concerned that clients’ access to their records could cause serious misunderstanding or harm to the client should provide assistance in interpreting the records and consultation with the client regarding the records. Social workers should limit clients’ access to their records, or portions of their records, only in exceptional circumstances when there is compelling evidence that such access would cause serious harm to the client. Both clients’ requests and the rationale for withholding some or all of the record should be documented in clients’ files.

(b) When providing clients with access to their records, social workers should take steps to protect the confidentiality of other individuals identified or discussed in such records.

Later in the conversation the fact that I’d received a copy of my questionnaire after my last request came up. Diane wanted to know who had given that to me. She sounded shocked and appalled that I had it.  After searching through my email I found that 2009 email.  It was from Diane herself. I emailed her back with that information, but got no response.

Hello Diane,

We spoke last week when I called to request copies of any and all written documents that pertain to me (forms, case notes, etc). Again I understand that legal documents are sealed (although as a social worker who works in adoption I find it incredibly hard to believe your claim that you do not have copies).  I also understand that in certain notes you may need to redact [J]and [M]’s names or other identifying information even though I already know all that information. I will also use this opportunity to reiterate the information you may need to locate my records.  My full name at the time of the adoption is [KatjaMichelle] and my dob is [redacted]. My son [Kidlet] was born [redacted] at [redacted] in [redacted] although it may be listed as [redacted].  He was adopted by [J] and [M]. Please let me know if there is any additional information that would help in this matter.

I understand you may not have yet had time to retrieve my file from your archives, however I found the answer to your question. You wanted to know the name of the person at your organization that had provided me with a copy of my questionnaire after my last request for my records.  It appears to have been you.  I exchanged emails with you in 2009, which led to you providing me with my questionnaire.

I look forward to receiving my records,

[KatjaMichelle]

I’d like to point out that it took all of five seconds to redact this email I doubt it’d take much longer to redact my records if need be.  I know this because I often redact records at the adoption agency for which I work.  That’s right I’m not just a birth mother looking in from the outside Diane. I work at an adoption agency, only apparently I work at an agency with ethics and you work at a facilitation service with no ethics. Diane’s bio on the Lifetime site quotes her as having said,

Many people take birthparents for granted, They need our support, they need someone to just listen and then get them the help they are seeking. And most importantly, they need to know that their child is growing up happy and healthy.

What she doesn’t say is that she is one of those people who take us birth parents for granted.  That while she’s willing to pretend to listen she is certainly not willing to give the help we need. What I need is not to know how my son is growing up, I already have that information. What I need is exactly what I asked for, my records.

Diane goes on to say,

Adoptive parents should know how important those cards and photos are to a birthparent, especially one without family support.

First off, what does a birth parent’s family support or lack thereof have to do with the importance of ongoing contact? Second of all cards and photos is just a small sliver of what contact can be.  Third, the reason I went to her bio was to find out if she had any real social work training or experience.  Her education/training is not listed.  Her favorite kind of cake is (white with white frosting) but nothing about what qualifies her to be in this field.

WTF Wednesday Returns: In Which I Ramble…

As this saga continues I’ll bring some clarity to this post but for now I just need to get it out.

It’s like they all have a copy of the same script.  As I spoke to the worker (I refuse to say social worker because I can’t believe she is actually a qualified social worker) at the agency organization that facilitated the adoption of my son I felt like I was reading the both Danielle’s post as well as Jenna‘s.

I started off in a very professional tone. But I was treated with disdain. I was made to feel like I was prying. And soon my tone was tinged with hostility.

I clearly explained that I understood all legals were sealed and that some information might need to be redacted, but that I wanted copies of everything that wasn’t sealed.  I was referred to the lawyer who finalized the adoption and explained that while I had already reached out to him what I wanted was what was in their file.

I was put on hold a few minutes later I was speaking to boss whose tone made it clear it was beneath her to speak with me.

I was told they had nothing except the single form I’d filled out that they’d already sent to me.  That they dont keep notes. I questioned that. I informed them that as a social worker who works in adoption I’m sure they must have kept case notes.  I got put on hold again. Apparently they do keep notes of “phone calls and stuff” so maybe they dont call them case notes and my terminology confused them…i mean case notes is such a technical term.

I was asked to spell my name AGAIN and i started wondering why they kept pretending to write it down if they were just going to ask me again in a minute.  I was asked repeatedly what I wanted and why I wanted it.

At one point I said, “look this started as a lark but the amount of push back I’m getting has solidified that I want my records and since they are my records I dont have to give any additional reason.”

I was told they were in the archives and she’d have to get them from off site…as if this inconvenience mattered. I said “okay”

She asked if I knew the names of my son’s adoptive parents i gave first and last names. Last names I wasn’t supposed to know I wish I could’ve seen her face.  She asked if I ever had contact with them. I laughed and said yeah Michelle and I actually spend an hour yesterday talking about my engagement and planning the week i’m spending with them next month. But that none of that matters because I am asking for the records that pertain to me.

She wanted to know who had given me my form the last time i requested my records. I told her i didn’t remember the name but could look back into my email for it.

Eventually the conversation ended with no real resolution. She’ll get back to me but needs some time.

I’m giving her til Monday (only because I have a pretty full next few days) to get back to me in some way and then I’m calling again.

Are You Messing* With Me?

That was my inital response last night when TeacherMan asked me to marry him.

*Let’s be honest I said Fucking not messing.

It was our anniversary and after dinner we went to get ice cream. He said something about this anniversary being hard to beat and I said “why”

“You aren’t having a good time?” he asked his hand was in his pocket and for a brief moment I thought he was going to propose and then I admonished myself for being that girl. Just because someone’s hand is in their pocket on a holiday or anniversary does not mean he’s fiddling with a ring…

“Well you’ve promised to take me to Egypt so I think if you do that you can top this anniversary”

And then he did it.  He produced a semi garish orange beaded ring and asked if I would marry him.

“Are you fucking with me?” I asked

He assured me that he was 100% serious aside from the ring which was a stand in until the real ring was ready.

So there you have.  I am engaged.

…oh and less than 24 hours later that garish orange ring has grown on me I may be hesitant to trade it in for the real ring.

Protected: Giving Up Control

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