A vast majority of my friends come from families who don’t exactly embrace diversity.  It never really bothered me before.  I figured that since they were my friends, they obviously weren’t racist and therefore didn’t really focus on the feelings of their family members.

Well now it’s starting to bother me.

All day today I haven’t been able to shake an encounter with my best friend’s mom that occurred about 3 years ago. A football player was on tv and best friend’s mom suggested I track him down and get him to marry me. I told her I didn’t think I’d give up on my (at the time) significant other just yet but suggested cute football player for best friend.  i dont remmeber the exact response but it was something to the effect of “We dont want best friend dating a black man” or “we don’t believe in interracial dating”

I remember making some lame attempt and conversation after that but really what could I say. Me, the black chick in their home.  The product of an interracial relationship.

Now I’m not judging this family based on one sentence uttered years ago.  I have also witnessed many anti-Asian statements from best friend’s dad.  Always dismissed by best friend as a result of his having served in the war…(I’m not sure which one at the moment and think it bad form to ask best friend at the moment).  I have addressed this with best friend but never with her parents.

Well today best friend and I hand a conversation which made me think perhaps she’s got a bit of a closed mind as well.  Not to the extent that I think she is racist.  I think she is VERY ethno-centric — nothing like an olympics to bring up your worldview.  I tried challenging her preconceptions.  I said point blank several times that she was judging others by our cultural standards and that others find fault with the U.S. when we’re viewed by their cultural standards. Just because we are used to something being done a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the only way for it to be done.  But I don’t think she’s budged.

Then there is roommate.  Roommate is from a small town in a neighboring state.  I’ve only been half joking when I tell her I would not be comfortable visiting her hometown.  She tried to assuage my fears by telling me about the 3 other blacks who live in her town.  Hmm 3 eh? Nope, SO not going there.  Each time she returns home with a story about what “hilarious” thing was said by her grandparents or aunts etc.  Only they arn’t always hilarious.  Ok actually they are hilarious.  But only because I’m here safe in my house when I think about the fact that soon I may be in that small town with roommate…well not so funny anymore.  Frightening would be a better word.

Last example I’ll give is classmate (yeah I know I’m so very creative with the nicknames tonight). Classmate is also from a small town.  And thank goodness her family has moved from that town because I do not believe I’d be able to visit there with her either.  However, she is in a serious relationship. I could be expected to attend or even be in a wedding fairly soon. Which means interacting with (or at least being in the same room with) her extended family.  Including the grandfather who asked her “you dont live near any blacks do you?”  Now classmate, she’s actually the least worrisome to me because she will call her grandfather on his stuff. Nevermind that its her grandfather.  Her response is “Yes grandpa there are blacks that live near me and Asians and Hispanics and all sorts of people” and when he starts talking about how horrible black people are she counters with “well there are bad white people and bad people of all colors” and is cut off by her uncle who says “and I’d rather have a black neighbor than a racist asshole”  I fell in love with her uncle when her boyfriend retold this story to me.

I’m not listing these things to berate my friends.  I love them and I know they are good people. But based on my conversation with best friend I’ve just been thinking.  It just sucks to have to be so aware of the viewpoints of my friends families.  It sucks to always have to be on my best behavior so I don’t live up to some negative view they may have.

I dont know if this post has a point. I’m just needed to get some things out.

As I’ve mentioned before I am currently working toward my MSW.  In addition to course work right now I’m also in my foundation practicum placement.  As a part of the internship all my classmates and I get together sporadically with a professor to process how things are going.  This week we each presented a short case from the field and discussed/ got feeback for how we could proceed with the cases.

The focus of the program is children youth and families so it is no huge surprise that a lot of my classmates are doing their practicum in CPS, or other foster care related sites, but for some reason Thursday all the lingo was getting to me.  Ok well it wasn’t just some random reason I know why i was uber sensitive.  Thursday was my son’s birthday.

So there we are presenting cases and words like “birth parent”, “bio family”, “foster adopt”, “relinquishment”, “adoption disruption” keep hitting me upside the head like a ton of bricks.

I wanted to stop them and scream at them.  I wanted to give them a lesson in the correct way to use the words they were tossing about.

A parent who’s child is in foster care is often referred to as a birth parent.  However, in adoption circles we reserve that term for those who have already relinquished their parental rights (or had them terminated).  The parents my classmates were talking about still had their parental rights.  So then what do we call them? We as professionals have to have a way to distinguish between parties.  Perhaps its just parents and foster parents, but in a system that is SO anti-birth parent will it ever be possible to get them to refer to the parents as just parents while still putting a qualifier on the foster parent?

My second annoyance was the need to shorten everything.  Really is time at such a premium that it takes too long to say “biological” must it be shortened to “bio” and really if I hear you say “bios” instead of “biological family” again I may smack you.  It’s ridiculously disrespectful.

Yes, it’s worse than a train wreck.  TG doesn’t exaggerate the acting is that BAD.  and still I watched yet another episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Ugh I hate to admit that.  This episode got me thinking.  Well to be honest it got me rolling my eyes but that eventually led to thought.

In the show a 15 year old is pregnant.  She’s in high school, thus her pregnancy is the juiciest bit of gossip.  And trust me I just love how teen ptrenancy automatically means it’s ok for everyone to force their opinions on the pregnant person.  And thats pretty accurate.  i was pregnant in high school.  I was told what I should and shouldn’t do on almost a daily basis by my peers.  But what got me is that even parents of characters who arn’t even really affected by the pregnancy are tossing their opinions out there.  (lets look past the eye roll demanding scene where a father and brother are sitting with two high school girls discussing the pregnancy gossip because yeah every teen i know loves to dish that stuff with their dad)

So the grown man finds it necessary to declare what the “best possible decision” would be.  now i”m sure ya’ll can guess what that is but let me share it with you anyway.

The best possible decision would be for (sorry I cant remember their names) to find a loving family to adopt the baby so when the baby grows up he or she can be grateful to both of them for providing a family that has two adults hat can actually take care of him or her

Wow so much to hate in such a small statement.  Hmmmm where to begin.

Well there is the neon flashing sign pointing at the word grateful so why not begin there. Adoption does not equal grateful adoptee.  Some oppose adoption with every fiber of their being.  Some wish they’d been raised by their birth/first parent(s) despite whatever reason they were relinquished.  Some wish they’d been aborted rather than adopted.

Then there’s the “loving family” part because obviously unplanned = unloved

and the “two adults” part because duh its no longer the “best possible decision” if they were to go the adoption route but choose a single parent.

Ok so even though that line pissed me off that really wasn’t my point.  my point was: WHY IS  A GROWN MAN JOINING HIS TEEN DAUGHTER AND HER CLASSMATE  IN GOSSIP?

Why didn’t the parent who is a holier than thou chrisitian say “that is so-and so’s business” or tell his daughter not to gossip.

Were the paretns of my classmeates discussing me with my peers or amongst themselves? The whole scenario seems to outlandish, until i think back…

It was senior year and Parents of graduating seniors was selling tickets to the grad party cruise.  One approached me and I told her I wasn’t interested she asked me why and I said “because the entire point of graduating is to get away from the people I go to school with who have made the last four years of my life hell, including your daughter, and I woudl hate to be trapped on a boat with them all night, Oh and at that point I’ll be about six months pregnant being on a boat probably won’t help my nausea.”

So yeah, the parents of my classmates probably were talking about me…

Well today is the day.  Boyfriend (I should really come up with a creative name for him but for now boyfriend will have to work) has been wanting me to meet his parents for months.  It hasn’t happened yet because of him being out of town, me being out of town, or them being out of town.  Not to mention I’ve been a tad busy with work, grad school, and starting my internship, oh and did i mention moving.

So today is the day.  We’ll be going to their house for dinner.  This makes me nervous for a few reasons.  One- I’m the worlds pickiest eater and hope I can manage to eat whatever is served. Two-its definitely not a neutral location 3- I like the structure of meeting for dinner in a public location we meet up we eat we go our separate ways.  In this scenario who knows how long we’ll be there and more time with them gives me more time to embarrass myself. Who am I kidding, I dont need time to embarrass myself I can do that with almost no time.

And so I spent about 2 hours discussing clothing options with my best friend last night. I think we’ve come up with an outfit in which I will be comfortable but still look presentable without looking like I’m trying too hard.  The best part is i get to wear my new shoes with it!

So after I distracted myself for those wonderful 2 hours by focusing on clothes I let the real reason for my nerves surface.  My status as a first mom.  It all comes back to that doesn’t it.  It ALWAYS comes back to adoption.

I’m assuming they know.  Boyfriend and my sister have been friends for over a decade.  Which means while I was pregnant he was on the periphery. Sister knows his parents quite well. (which also has me nervous they’ll be comparing me to her) So one of them probably mentioned my pregnancy either to them or in their company.  I can’t believe it never dawned on me to ask him if they know and how much they know.  I need to be prepared in case they ask questions.  I don’t want to be a stuttering fool, or worse cry.  They’re good people I’m sure they wouldn’t ask anything tactless but for those not involved in this crazy world it’s hard to understand that the most innocent seeming question is enough to send me to tears.

I want to make a good impression.  I really care what they think of me, which is new because I am so used to NOT caring what ANYONE thinks of me. I want to impress them.  I want them to like me.

I’m not going to respond on the forum.  I just don’t have the energy for a huge forum debate but it was one of those things that made me go “hmmm” and so I will write about it here.  There is a conversation going on about what a huge violation of privacy it is to send pictures of a child to that child’s first parent(s).

Just when I’d heard every possible “reason” (read: excuse) as to why some adoptive parents don’t believe is sending first parents updates I stubble across this one.  What made it even more perplexing is that as I was reading I was waiting for someone to challenge this view, that challenge didn’t come.  Instead others were having “wow I’d never thought of it like that maybe I should re-think sending pictures” moments.  Now maybe I’m cynical but I automatically read those statements more like “wow thank you so much I’ve been trying to find a way to back out of sending pictures but haven’t been able to come up with an excuse so thanks for providing me one”

Others said they’d keep sending pictures until their child asked them to stop.  This sounds good at first but then you have to wonder…If little bobby asks that no more pictures be sent to Aunt Suzy and Katie requests all pictures of her stop being sent to grandma will these parents honor their children’s privacy in those situations too?

eta: I wrote this post after only browsing the thread upon further look there is a bit of challenging going on.  Thanks to the those who get that sending your child’s first parents pictures is not a violation of their privacy.

ETA- I’m not sure why but upon posting all the font changed so I apologize for the different sizes and colors…hmm I’ll have to figure out how to fix that but now its time to go spend 2 hours flat ironing my hair…fun times.

Warning there is snark in this post. I think I respond pretty level headed to comments that come across respectful but I will not censor my snark when I feel someone is being rude

A special thank you to all of you who have either closed or password protected your blogs recently. Thanks to you I have now become a real blog (because everyone knows you aren’t real until you get attacked).

As the child of an open adoption, I have to say that expecting MY adoptive parents to pay for a visit by my biological mother is just absurd.

You are so right. Me expecting YOUR parents to pay for visit by your biological mother IS just absurd. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have that expectation then isn’t it. I don’t even know you or your family and as such have absolutely no expectations of you whatsoever.

Boo hoo for you being broke and not getting a hug

I never said I was broke, only that I cannot afford more frequent visits. Lets face it cross-country airfare is expensive and getting more so especially with the new charges to check baggage. And yes I’m sad that I’ve never been hugged by my son, I can’t think of a person who wouldn’t be sad about that. I’m not asking for your pity. I returned from a visit and was very emotional, I blogged about it. Its what I do. I also posted about the highlights from that visit.

That little boy is SEVEN.

Actually I said he’s not yet seven so I guess that statement should read: That little boy is SIX. Well thanks for pointing out my son’s age seeing as how I was there when he was born I know how old he is but thanks anyway just in case I forget that detail I’m glad I can count on you to point it out to me.

As he gets older, you will just stress him further.

That is assuming I stress him, which I don’t believe I do judging by our interactions and his behavior when I’m around and by what he parents tell me in our frequent conversations.

His friends won’t understand the concept of an OPEN ADOPTION and he will just start pulling away further from you as he ages so he won’t have to explain the woman hanging around.

So far they seem to understand it pretty well. Is the only area of my life you are clairvoyant in or can you also tell me if my current boyfriend is the one I’ll eventually marry? If he chooses to pull away from our relationship I will respect that. It will hurt, but I’m an adult and I can handle that.

Having to explain the whole adoption thing will embarrass and stress him and you showing up in his life intermittently will just add to the problem.

Did you read the post about visit highlights? HE chose to tell his friend who I was without any input or expectation from me or his parents. He didn’t seem embarrassed or stressed. And while my visits are not frequent our relationship is not intermittent. There is more to a relationship than visits. If I wanted to justify the infrequent visits I could have just fudged the numbers like I said, but instead I admitted I cannot visit very frequently.

You did a wonderful thing by giving him up for adoption, but you need to GIVE HIM UP.

I can’t explain to you how much grief would have been avoided in my life if my biological “mother” had just stayed away. My mom and dad are wonderful people. My dad is a surgeon and my mom quit her job as an investment banker to be a stay at home mom for me. They are wonderful wonderful people. My biological mother was around on the edges of my special occasions. She called with excuses a LOT and when she was around it was tense and scary for me. I was always afraid in the back of my mind that she would take me away from my parents. She argued with my mom constantly, insisting that she had the RIGHT to be around me. Then she would cancel or make excuses and show up unexpectedly with a lame gift and try to hug and cuddle me. She wanted to have our picture taken all the time, which only added to the terror as I was afraid she was setting me up to take me away. Finally, she repeatedly argued that she shouldn’t have to PAY HER OWN WAY to see me. Are you freaking serious??

I’m sorry for your pain and grief. I’m sorry that your biological mother wasn’t the person you needed her to be. That is your story, not mine, not my son’s. Open Adoption isn’t for everyone. It sounds like it didn’t work for you or your family. So far it is working for me and mine.

While I did mention that I’d like a hug from my son some day I should also mention that I never try to hug him, I never ask him to hug me. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t say no so I just don’t ask. One day he will hug me, I have confidence that day will come. Also the picture taking has never been forced. We were on vacation and pictures were taken of him, of me, of his brother, of his mom, of his dad and of every combination of those people. We spent quite a bit of time on a ferry and a great way to entertain a 3 year old (his brother) is to play with the camera especially since my camera holds over 1100 pictures and hey its digital if its not a good picture it can be erased. So we would goof off and play with the camera some of those goofy pictures happen to be of my son and me together. The frustration I expressed about the photos was about my father not seeing the beauty in those pictures and wanting a forced “perfect” picture.

And to HeatherRainbow, “he’s your son, too. And travel shouldn’t be just your responsiblity” ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS??? Hell yes it’s her responsibility. They are busy raising their child, paying a mortgage, paying for health insurance and car insurance and braces and private school and fees for soccer and uniforms and clothes and everything else that comes with a child. She wants to just jump in and out of his life and YOU expect HIS ADOPTIVE PARENTS to pay for it? PLEASE!

Again I am not jumping in and out of his life. The visits are infrequent the relationship is a constant maintained via other forms of contact. Oh and he’s not in private school and decided to quite soccer in favor of Tae Kwon Do but I get where you were going with that.

They open their home to you, they feed you, they allow you to spend time with that precious child

Yes and I mentioned that to illustrate how much they do, because I am GRATEFUL for all they do and to show I’m not the only one exerting effort.

although I know it KILLS his adoptive parents as they are always scared in their hearts that you will want him back.

Again with the psychic powers. You don’t KNOW that, you assume that based off of YOUR experiences. Well my experiences tell me different and seeing as how I actually know the people involved in this I’m going to rely on my experiences rather than your “knowing”.

They don’t know what to talk to you about.

Funny, we never run out of things to talk about from politics to pop culture to what we did the day before to who I’m dating to what my family is up to, to what their extended family is up to, to my job, to their jobs, to our son or their other son….and the list goes on.

The only thing they have in common with you is that little boy.

Actually we discovered that we have a lot in common during our first phone call before he was even born. In fact his mom still calls me 7 years later on the anniversary of our first phone call.

Every visit with you is agony.

No, it isn’t.

He is not YOUR son, he is the child you gave birth to. He is THEIR son.

He is both their son and my son. I show you respect by using the terminology of your choice (biological mother) when referring to your life experience I would appreciate it if you could at least pretend to respect the terminology I use to convey my life experience.

When he is older and HE wants a relationship with you, then you can explain your reasons and excuses with him. Until then, you should butt out.

When he is older if he wants a relationship with me he will not have to search. He will know exactly where I am. If at any point he chooses to not have a relationship with me then I will “butt out”. But it will be HIS choice, not yours.

Another blog gone, well not truly gone but private.  I feel I’m in a constant state of mourning these days.

I haven’t posted more about my recent visit for a few reasons.  First is that I’ve been ridiculously busy/stressed.  Second, I’m not good at sharing (and I’m not even an only child).  I’ve drafted a few blogs but have stopped short of posting them because I wanted to hold on to my visit memories I wanted to keep them for me and only me.  But here it goes I have some details to share.

On my first or second day with my son he asked his mom what to tell his friends if they asked who I was. (most of whom I’d met on my previous visit but still he was concerned).  She reassured him that he could tell them I was (my name) and that he could tell them anything else he wanted and didn’t have to share anything he didn’t want to.  After that conversation I began to prepare myself for him to not want to share who I was with anyone.  I prepared myself to be “a family friend visiting from out of state” or whatever.

So color me surprised when the next day we went to the pool. My son and I were splashing each other and out of no where he turns to his friend and yells “help me splash my birth mom”.  Later that same day I heard him talking to that same friend and saying “I was in (my name)’s tummy”  I dont care how much the term birth mom annoys someone hearing it in this context was the GREATEST thing in the world.

He also told several other people during the course of our visit who I was without any reservation.  I think that conversation from the first (or second) night, the act of putting it completely in his control, put him at ease.

I spent some alone time with his mom on this trip too.  It was good.  I won’t go into too many details because I don’t want to put her business out there but I realized for the first time in almost 7 years that she’s not perfect.  She’s a real person.  I’m so glad. I remember the recent(ish) topic of adoptive parents being always calm and perfect and it makes me unbelievably happy I can see the real parts of her. Oh and because we are that weird, we went to see Baby Mama together.

Also when our son would ask to go with us on these alone outtings (more to get out of going to bed than wanting to actually go) she would remind him it was his bed time and then say “this is just for the mommies” she referred to me as a “mommy”  Yeah I know I’m a mom or mother usually preceded by the word first or birth but to hear her call me a mommy, well my heart melted a little each time.

For part of the visit we went to the beach on the way home while we were stopped for lunch my son drew a picture.  The picture was titled “family on vacation” or more honestly “family on vicachon”.  And in this drawing, this drawing clearly labeled as a family is me.  Yep there were all are tallest to shortest and I’m smack dab in the middle.  I nearly cried as I saw him include me in the drawing.  After he’d left the table I went to snap a photo of the drawing and his mom who’d also noticed me being included under the title family told me to take it with me.  So I did.  But I also took a picture to share with you.

Don’t plan on returning to work the day after you get home from a visit.

Don’t plan a visit and a move in the same month.

Especially if your birthday is during the last weekend of that month.

Oh and that doctors appointment you’ve been postponing yeah don’t try to fit that in during that already crazy month. The bad news you’ll inevitably get will only make matters worse.

He loves the water and swims like a fish.  His favorite color is red.  He won’t eat a sandwich unless its made with a certain type of bread.  He loves his little brother but gets frustrated by him easily. He’s sensitive about the neighborhood kids leaving him out or seemingly telling secrets. He wants everything to be fair but cheats at Uno and checkers and monopoly junior and i suspect other games. He gets embarrassed easily.  He still lets his mom hug and kiss him in public and likes to curl up in her lap on the couch.  He loves sports especially Tae Kwon Do. He’s goofy and spirited.  He’s gotten so tall (which I have no idea where he gets that from).  His once bright blue eyes which the doctors expected to fade by 6mo, then 1 year then 18mo well it took almost 7 years but now they are green.

I know all that and more about him and yet, my son and I are strangers.

He barely remembered me from my last visit.  While he did warm up to me more quickly than last time we had the type of interactions a child has with a friend of his parents. Actually no more like an acquaintance of his parents-I’ve seen how he interacts with their friends and they get hugs.  Thats right I have never been hugged by my son. NEVER.  It makes me sad to admit that but its true. And I can understand it, it just makes me sad.

I blame myself for not being able to have more visits.  If I’d found a way to visit more I wouldn’t be such a stranger.  I mean dont get me wrong.  He knows who I am he made that very clear during the visit (more on that in another post) but interacting with an actual real life person whom you know as concept and picture well thats not so easy for a kid.  I could play semantics and say I have visited him at the age of 4,5, and 6 which is true because my first visit in 2006 straddled his birthday which means covered him as a 4 year old and a 5 year old and even though he’s not quite 7 it’s only a few months away which means instead of the 3 visits in 6 years which only looks semi pathetic I’ve really only visited twice in 7 years.  I simply can’t afford more.  I work for a small struggling non-profit I’ve had tuition then student loan payments now tuition again not to mention rent and all life’s other bills. And so I’m a stranger to my son.

Do you know what its like to sit next to your child and want more than anything to wrap your arms around him but not be able to? To have an urge to kiss the top of his head? To comfort him when he’s upset or when he trips hurts himself? To have to fight every maternal instinct in your body for 10 days.  Its emotionally exausting.

And then to have your father be disappointed because you didn’t bring home any perfect pictures of you and him.  Well it took some time for him to even be comfortable being in a picture with me and even then only if we were goofing off so while you dont think the pic of us with tongues out is frame worthy, dad, its my favorite from the trip.  And really if you want to complain about it perhaps you should pay for my airfare so I can visit more often so I’m not a stranger to my son so he feels comfortable being around me.  And then maybe one day I’ll get a hug.