That Won’t Work Mr. President

I watched President Obama deliver The State of The Union last night, and our our president gives good speech. However, there was one part that anyone following me on twitter saw had me a little caught up.

Okay, a lot caught up.

President Obama proposes that every state make it law that youth cannot leave high school until they either graduate or turn 18. No more high school drop outs. Sounds good in theory doesn’t it? Well no, not to me it doesn’t and I’m a certified school social worker.

SocialJerk (@SocialJerkBlog) made the excellent point that, “Truancy is a MUCH more complicated problem than ‘harsher law!’”

I work with youth at risk, with homeless youth, and with youth aging out of the foster care system (aka soon to be homeless) a lot of my participants are the ones counting down til their 16th birthday so they can officially drop out, but not always for the reasons you’d assume.

Being warehoused in a a high school until 16 or the new proposed 18 isn’t always in the child’s best interest. If the youth has other barriers to contend with, other priorities like finding safe warm places to sleep at night and food to eat no amount of you must attend school until X age is going to compel them to do so.

But currently at 16 they can get a signed release from their school or district and take the GED. This makes them more employable than they’d be as “just another street youth drop out”. Why would we put another two years between them and that opportunity? I also help a number of my participants who get their GEDs go on to post secondary.

High schools are a kind of hell for some kids for so many reasons and that’s not being addressed by just requiring them to be there. Maybe I’m a cynic (okay, no maybe about it) but what I see is more kids on the BECCA bill being fined for non-attendance, because they still won’t go to school. They can’t pay those fines, their parents won’t pay those fines and the youth will start their adulthood in debt. They’ll finally be able to get their GED at 18…if they’re still motivated to do so. If they haven’t found a more lucrative and fun way to pass their time among their new street friends. Because raising the age of attendance to 18 or 21 or 45 isn’t going to make my clients go to high school if they already aren’t going.

I still love you Mr. President, but it’s a really bad idea. Don’t worry though SJ and I will be your new sassy and witty social work advisors. We’ve got this.

What You Find When You Aren’t Looking

I was looking through old boxes looking for some items I needed for TheHistoryBuff and his cat to stay with me while their power is still out due to WA snow and ice 2012.  Instead of finding my old cat items I found a copy of my termination of parental rights.

This shocked me because I don’t have a copy of my termination of my parental rights.

You read that right. Every so often I call the lawyer who handled the adoption and leave a message asking him for a copy.  He never calls me back.  I also send emails.  He doesn’t respond to them either.

So I stood staring confused at the document in my hand with the blue COPY stamp on it.  What was I holding. How did it get here.  And then I tweeted.

And then I called a birth mom friend/fellow support group member.  And as I talked to her I continued to look at the papers and I noticed that it wasn’t the papers I signed in the hospital after Kidlet’s birth.

These papers say “Unborn Infant [MyLastName]” (even though Kidlet’s OBC gives him his first dad’s last name) and they’re signed by me and my father as my witness and dated eight days before I gave birth.  The signatures are originals, but again there is a blue COPY stamp on the document.  It doesn’t make sense.  I don’t remember signing these papers I don’t remember having these papers.  I remember signing the ones in the hospital.  The ones I can’t get.  I want to talk to M to see which ones she has as part of the adoption papers the ones signed before Kidlet’s birth or the ones signed in the hospital.

Why would they have me sign papers before Kidlet’s birth? Why is that even legal?  Why have I blocked that out?  Are the ones I signed after his birth different?  I didn’t think it was possible to want them any more than I did before but I do oh how I do.  I need to talk to M.  Never have I waited for my phone to ring with such baited breath and yet…how to I explain

I just keep flipping back from the page that says copy to the page with my original signature.  I keep staring at the date.  I keep re-reading the phrase “Unborn Infant [MyLastName] none of these things make sense no matter how many times they are repeated, but maybe the repetition will jog some memory.

What else is there?  What else is looming, ready to send me into a tailspin? If this can send me gasping for breath ten years later what’s next? What else can’t I remember?

If It’s Not One Thing It’s Another*

*Alternate post title: My parents really should have drowned me at birth.

I don’t say that in an “I’m having a pity party sort of way” although I suppose I am a bit.  But it’s something my family has kind of joked about.  I’ve always been the sickly one.  I run cold not only will you find me huddled under blankets in the middle of August, but my normal body temperature is literally not 98.6, it’s 96 something.  Growing up I tended to get an awful hacking cough every winter no other symptoms and the doctors never found a reason but every year like clockwork there it was.  And I’ve had chronic migraines since I was 6.

Aside from the physical I also have mental illness anxiety and panic to contend with, I was on one med it made me more nuts than usual.  So much so a dear friend had to intervene and I found a new doctor and a new med.  Now that that seems under control my migraine med side effects are proving too much for me to handle.  I. just. can’t. win.

I’ve been on topamax for about a year.  In that year I’ve gone from 25mg a day to 75mg twice a day.  In that year I’ve lost 40+ lbs (yay). In that year I’ve experienced excessive tingling in my feet and hands, joint pain/discomfort, inability to find words, inability to concentrate/focus, and my food has tasted funny.  Some months it seems worth it because I’ll be migraine free.  Other months I have just as many migraines as I’ve always had.  ANd still other months I have even  more than I used to.

All these things have been annoying and some have effected how well I can do my job, but I’ve put up with them thinking they were for the greater good.  I can’t do it any more.  Today while studying for the GRE I reached my breaking point.  I was struggling with the math review, which is to be expected from my.  I haven’t taken any real math since my junior year of High School (I got a 4.0 in Stats in college but lets face it stats doesn’t really count).  So to boost my self esteem I decided to flip to the verbal section do some analogies for fun (yep I find analogies fun I’m a word geek which is why the MAT might be a better test from me than the GRE) but I found myself grasping for words on more than half of the questions.  Ok I’m not a genious I’d understand getting some wrong or having that “I know this but I can’t think of it” feeling on a few.  But more than half? On an activity that is my thing? Nope.  I found the chart my original doc gave me to wean myself ON the topamax and I’ll be using it to wean myself off.

While I’m venting about my migraine  I should note that my migraine episodes last for days on ened and my insurance will only allow me 4 imitrex a month despite the fact that my doctor prescribed me 9.  I’m allowed 2 a day so that means the insurance is allowing me to be medicated for two days a month. EFF YOU INSURANCE COMPANY EFF YOU!

2012: Moments

I don’t know where it came from or who started it (if you know tell me in the comments so I can give appropriate credit where it’s due), all I know is everyone around me (on twitter) has been choosing a word for 2012.

At first I just watched. Intrigued. I was impressed and moved by the choices of my friends and it got me wondering what my word would be if I were to choose one.

I kept coming up with phrases. Phrases were easy; single words were not. Finally I decided that if I were to pick just one word it would be: Moments.

2012 will be the year I enjoy moments. Live in the moment. Am present in the moment. Get out of my head. Stop over thinking (as much). Stop worrying (as much) what if and focusing on my life ten steps ahead.

2012 is about the moments that comprise it.

Open Adoption RoundTable #33: What I’ve Learned

To end 2011 Heather has chosen an prompt for the 33rd OAR that has us looking back at our open open adoption lessons from the year:

“What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?”

For me those lessons have been many, but I will try to summarize even though brevity is not my friend.

Lesson 1: I am not alone. I knew this before 2011 but I know it differently now. The adoption blogosphere is huge and can be wonderfully supportive but it can also feel lonely at times. Its hard to explain but it was kind of like yeah there are people out there somewhere who get it, who get me, but I’ll never really know them instead I’ll forever be surrounded by these people who don’t get me and don’t even try. That has changed. Starting with the PNW adoption blogger meet up SEA edition and then the PNW adoption blogger meet up PDX edition.  Next came BlogHer’11 followed closely by Coordinators2 Opening Adoption Symposium.

I’ve had my friends inside my computer (and phone since that’s where I do most of my interneting these days) forever but even though they aren’t right around the corner (although some are) I feel like they are. I know they are just a tweet, text, email, or heaven forbid phone call away. And if it’s really necessary I’m sure there is a door step or two I could show up on.

Lesson 2: I have a voice and I need to use it. It’s been three months since the heart to heart between M and I where I admitted my fear that she and J would close the adoption despite having absolutely no indication that they’d ever do such a thing. I’m not going to say my fears are cured I have anxiety, a panic disorder, and am slightly neurotic (but in a totally lovable way). What I will say is that I am confident in my relationship with J&M and Kidlet because of that conversation. I increased my ability to trust with that conversation and I have a strong trust no one rule.

I’m trying this whole using my voice, having healthy mature adult conversations in other parts of my life as well, but since this is an OAR we’ll talk about that another time.

WTF Wednesday: Utah Does It Again…and Again

Why don’t fathers step up?

It’s a question I hear often both as a social worker and as someone active in the adoption community.

But Ramsey Shaud did step up. When the woman who was pregnant with his child said she didn’t want to parent he made it clear he did want to parent. So clear that he signed up with Florida’s Putative Father Registry.

When he was notified that the expectant mother would be leaving the state to visit Arizona and Utah Shaud feared the worst and attempted to sign up in their Putative Father Registries as well. He was successful in Arizona, however, Utah is set up to thwart the efforts of fathers exerting their rights.

“…Utah, unlike most states with registries aimed at unmarried fathers, doesn’t make a form or directions in how to proceed available online. In fact, the phrase ‘putative father,’ used in state law to describe an unwed biological father, isn’t mentioned anywhere on the websites of the health department or Office of Vital Statistics, the agency charged with maintaining Utah’s registry. Utah law requires that forms be made available through local health departments, but office policy is not to do so, according to Director Janice Houston.”

Let’s look at that last sentence again, shall we.

“Utah law requires that forms be made available through local health departments, but office policy is not to do so, according to Director Janice Houston.”

WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK???

WTF Wednesday: Stopped In My Tracks

After getting through my company’s holiday party I did a happy dance that I was through with that sort of socialization for awhile. Unfortunately ITGuy texted me the next day and I hadn’t seen him in awhile so I agreed to accompany him to his.

Afterwards we stopped at the grocery store for some hot buttered rum mix. The first store didn’t have it so we decided to try a discount store in the same parking lot.

We both walked in then froze at the sight of their signage.

And

I know what they were trying to communicate with their signs, but wow. WTF.

TheHistoryBuff

Last night we agreed on a blog nickname and so I present to the blogosphere TheHistoryBuff.

Last night things also got intimate. Now all you people with your minds in the gutter I’m not referring to physical intimacy (although I’m not necessarily saying that didn’t happen) what I’m talking about is emotional intimacy. We talked about so many things last night and I didn’t even have to invoke our previously agreed upon I get to ask prying questions rule.

We talked about family, values, challenges, grief, shortcomings, struggles, and yes adoption. He shared things with me that I’d wondered about both more details about a subject we’d previously discussed and a new topic. Both without any prompting from me.

I’m taking it as a sign of our growing comfort together. Comfort we’ve both professed is there but this really illustrated it.

He also gets major points in other areas for instance he asked if there was anything he could do to help with dinner which I was finishing up when he arrived. He offered to do the dishes since I cooked. He likes to cuddle.

A real adoption post is coming I swear I’ll stop the giddy gushing dating posts soon.

Date Three

Last night (and into this morning since I didn’t get home til around 2am) I had my third date with he-who-needs-a-blog-nickname. Before we met I’d been calling him perfect on paper, which he is but the initials are POP which isn’t going to work for me. I’ve been toying with a few options I even let him weigh in but we are at an impasse.

Anyway, back to last night!

He is a very private person and I’m more of an open book type. We’d already noted this difference on previous dates so last night I made a proposal. I admitted that in addition to being more open I was also curious/nosy. So I proposed I be able to ask prying questions with the understanding he could not answer them. Neither of us could be offended by the asking or the not answering. Not only did he agree, he actually loved it (ok that might be projecting just a bit, but he did like it).

So then I followed up later with a question about something I’d been curious about (no details he’s a very private person remember) and when I was trying to thank him for answering and said it wasn’t any of my business he corrected me. He corrected me by saying that while it may not be exactly just my business certain things are going to become our business. I’m paraphrasing its hard to remember the exact quote on two hours of sleep but it’s the spirit of the thing that matters and he definitely said our!

We’ve also had the this is so freaking weird to feel so comfortable with someone so soon conversation. And the oh by the way I suck and ruin shit conversation (I said it better in person). We’ve had a lot of conversations in a short amount of time and again it’s crazy crazy crazy.

What I Want

Confession: while Mohawk and I were together I started reading wedding blogs. Two in particular A Practical Wedding and Offbeat Bride. Once it was obvious we were not meant to be I should have stopped…but I couldn’t. APW is such a fabulous blog you guys. Their discussions about relationships remind me of the #sofab sisterhood’s discussions on adoption. They’re smart, progressive, snarky, fun…

I dont comment though, im just a lurker i know i dont really belong there. And if I ever get caught reading I totally say its for the reclaiming wife posts in case when I finally get my LICSW I decide to open a private practice and do some couples counseling or some secular premarital counseling…but I read every post everyday. And today’s post, it illustrates perfectly what I want (not the panic attack at 30,000 feet part the other part).

At the risk of sounding prematurely hopeful and I’ll probably get a stern talking to and a finger wagged in my face from ITGuy for the first time in a long time, possibly ever I think it might not be too much to hope for.