A vast majority of my friends come from families who don’t exactly embrace diversity. It never really bothered me before. I figured that since they were my friends, they obviously weren’t racist and therefore didn’t really focus on the feelings of their family members.
Well now it’s starting to bother me.
All day today I haven’t been able to shake an encounter with my best friend’s mom that occurred about 3 years ago. A football player was on tv and best friend’s mom suggested I track him down and get him to marry me. I told her I didn’t think I’d give up on my (at the time) significant other just yet but suggested cute football player for best friend. i dont remmeber the exact response but it was something to the effect of “We dont want best friend dating a black man” or “we don’t believe in interracial dating”
I remember making some lame attempt and conversation after that but really what could I say. Me, the black chick in their home. The product of an interracial relationship.
Now I’m not judging this family based on one sentence uttered years ago. I have also witnessed many anti-Asian statements from best friend’s dad. Always dismissed by best friend as a result of his having served in the war…(I’m not sure which one at the moment and think it bad form to ask best friend at the moment). I have addressed this with best friend but never with her parents.
Well today best friend and I hand a conversation which made me think perhaps she’s got a bit of a closed mind as well. Not to the extent that I think she is racist. I think she is VERY ethno-centric — nothing like an olympics to bring up your worldview. I tried challenging her preconceptions. I said point blank several times that she was judging others by our cultural standards and that others find fault with the U.S. when we’re viewed by their cultural standards. Just because we are used to something being done a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the only way for it to be done. But I don’t think she’s budged.
Then there is roommate. Roommate is from a small town in a neighboring state. I’ve only been half joking when I tell her I would not be comfortable visiting her hometown. She tried to assuage my fears by telling me about the 3 other blacks who live in her town. Hmm 3 eh? Nope, SO not going there. Each time she returns home with a story about what “hilarious” thing was said by her grandparents or aunts etc. Only they arn’t always hilarious. Ok actually they are hilarious. But only because I’m here safe in my house when I think about the fact that soon I may be in that small town with roommate…well not so funny anymore. Frightening would be a better word.
Last example I’ll give is classmate (yeah I know I’m so very creative with the nicknames tonight). Classmate is also from a small town. And thank goodness her family has moved from that town because I do not believe I’d be able to visit there with her either. However, she is in a serious relationship. I could be expected to attend or even be in a wedding fairly soon. Which means interacting with (or at least being in the same room with) her extended family. Including the grandfather who asked her “you dont live near any blacks do you?” Now classmate, she’s actually the least worrisome to me because she will call her grandfather on his stuff. Nevermind that its her grandfather. Her response is “Yes grandpa there are blacks that live near me and Asians and Hispanics and all sorts of people” and when he starts talking about how horrible black people are she counters with “well there are bad white people and bad people of all colors” and is cut off by her uncle who says “and I’d rather have a black neighbor than a racist asshole” I fell in love with her uncle when her boyfriend retold this story to me.
I’m not listing these things to berate my friends. I love them and I know they are good people. But based on my conversation with best friend I’ve just been thinking. It just sucks to have to be so aware of the viewpoints of my friends families. It sucks to always have to be on my best behavior so I don’t live up to some negative view they may have.
I dont know if this post has a point. I’m just needed to get some things out.
