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Posts tagged ‘Holidays’

New Year Same Me

It’s New Years Day, 2015. I’m sure I’m supposed to use this time and this space to make resolutions, predictions, and promises. But I really don’t see 2015 being much different from 2014, if at all.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that 2014 was bad. It wasn’t. In fact all in all it was a pretty good year. I saw my kid a few times, I visited my parents, I passed all my classes, I presented at conferences. But I wasn’t transformed.

I didn’t finally commit to clean living despite wanting to be healthier. I didn’t join a gym or start running despite wanting to get in shape. I didn’t give up all possible migraine triggers despite wanting to get a better handle on my chronic migraines. I did find a therapist, but I also fired her after a bad session. And by fired I mean just never went back because I’m ever so “good” at confrontation and termination.

And the thing  is I’m not saying any of this because I plan to change it or because I feel badly about these supposed failings. I don’t. I’m still the same me and I’ll be the same me in 2015. And I’m more than okay with that.

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Open Adoption Roundtable # 12: Putting It In The Mail

Heather has posted the newest writing prompt for the Open Adoption Roundtable and once again it’s as if she’s reading my mind.

“How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010”

My goal for 2010 is to continue building a relationship with Kidlet.  I have a great relationship with his mom and with Kidlet through his mom, but not so much directly with Kidlet.

I received a letter from Kidlet a few days after Christmas and immediately wrote back…but haven’t sent it.

I have a stack of cards I bought over the course of 2009 that I bought as each “holiday” approached Valentines….St. Patricks day…Spring…Fourth of July…Halloween…Thanksgiving…Christmas…all unsent.

I have postcards from a wildlife park I visited with Mohawk in November…unsent.

So this year I’m going to not only buy cards I’m going to SEND them.

Today I’m going to buy Kidlet a wii game that I love that reminds me of my childhood and I’m going to include that with the letter I’ve already written and I’m going to send it.  Today. On my way to class.  Before I over think it  and change my mind and let anxiety get the best of me.

Kidlet’s mom and I are also going to be doing more picture sharing online…or at least that’s the plan…

Open Adoption Roundtable #11: It’s Beginning to FEEL a Lot Like Christmas

Heather, over at PNR has posted the next OAR writing prompt.

An open-ended prompt this round, because it’s always interesting to see where each of us takes it:

Write about open adoption and the holiday season.

Yes, I know the lyric is “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” but for me Christmas is about the feelings.  So far the Christmasy feel boils down to:

COLD: as in it’s been 8 degrees this week when I arrive at my internship in the mornings. So cold that it half my commute just for the car to warm up enough for the heat to be of any use.  So cold that I wear thigh high socks plus wool socks plus boots and my toes are still cold.

FESTIVE: DirtyRed went out and bought a tree and she and GeishaGirl decorated it. THey’ve been burning holiday candles for weeks and their stockings are hung above the fireplace.  For my part I had a peppermint martini at my favorite resaurant this week YUM!

MERRY: The only music being played in my car since the day after Thanksgiving has been Christmas music (well except for the ONE day I allowed Mohawk to pick the music)

So what does any of this have to do with adoption? The last feeling that lets me know the holidays are here is:

LONELY: as in I can try to imagine what Kidlet is up to this time of year.  But I won’t be there.  I wont experience it with him.

I have a video his parents sent me a few years back, him playing with his dreidel and counting in Hebrew (TOO CUTE!)

I’ve been to the house so can imagine quite clearly the spot where their Christmas tree will sit.

I’ve seen him open birthday presents so I can change the wrapping in my minds eye and have a good idea of what his face will be like on Christmas morning…

But he will never walk hand in hand with me and experience the magic of Zoo Lights.

I won’t be able to teach him the simple joy of St. Nikolaus Tag.

He won’t gather with my family  and neighbors Christmas eve eating taquitos and laughing.

He won’t pile in my parents van and drive from neighborhood to neighborhood searching for extravegant light displays.

He won’t return to my parents house to open gifts.

He won’t sleep over and wake early to find that Santa has arrived.

He won’t be able to steal bits of food and sweets while I help momma cook Christmas dinner.

I’ve missed all these things since Christmas 2001, but its worse now watching my sister share all these things with my nieces.

Yesterday I hit the holiday wall. I should have written this post sooner so as not to be a downer.  I’m going to bed now, wake me in January.