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Therapy Is Inaccessible

Yay I have insurance. Insurance that covers “behavioral health” aka mental health services with just a $25 copay. I was so happy not to be priced out of therapy after the move. However, it still looks like i’ll be therapy free for the forseeable future.

I had an appointment in October with a woman in private practice. She sees patients out of her home. However, she scheduled me right on the heels of another client which mean i was waiting outside right until the moment of my appt. That wasn’t so bad in October. And I suppose knowing that I could have tried not to be so punctual (I’d assumed there’d be forms to fill out prior to the first session so arrived 10 min early). But alas something just didn’t “feel right”. She was adopted connected which make me uncomfortable even though she didn’t say any of the classic “i will never see this therapist again” things. In fact she was the FIRST therapist to recognize relinquishment was trauma.  Any yet I haven’t felt moved to make another appointment with her.

I miss my therapist back on the correct coast. She was awesome. responded to emails, i was able to get appointments when panic i couldn’t control arose she would tell me dr to adjust my meds as we saw nec and ignore the dr when she got all worried about nothing (no seriously one tuesday i took the PDQ9 with my therapist and we did a happy dance at how well i was doing. That thursday I had a physical and took it with my dr who spent 15 minutes trying to convince me to up my meds…then she emailed my therapist to consult about upping my meds)

But I’m here now for at least another 3.5 years so correct coast therapist is not an option. I tried using the coping skills I’d already developed and that worked for awhile. I tried weaning myself off the zoloft (and spoke to my primary care dr about it because safety warning: you should never make changes to your medications without discussing it with a doctor)

Then the anxiety started rising there were a few bouts of depression, but mainly the anxiety it reached level orange and wouldn’t recede. Sometimes it’d rise to level red sometimes after specific recognizable triggers and sometimes for seemingly no reason at all.

So I tried to make an appointment with a new therapist. They can get me in late May or Early June they tell me without even hearing why i’m calling or who i’d like to see. I explain that i’ve viewed their website and have found three providers i’d be comfortable trying. Somehow I magically get an appointment for that afternoon.

I arrive to check in and i’m told i dont have insurance. I scoff and say yes i do it’s through the university. She makes a call. Your coverage ended last week.

I go into full panic mode get as far from the check in window as i can before i just sink to the ground trying to breath. trying to get my heart to stop racing. trying to see straight. I’m starting to get a hold on my self when she is there by my side trying to talk about this insurance mess and then she puts her hand on me.

I know she meant it to be calming but WHO THE FUCK WORKS FOR A MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AND DOESN’T KNOW NOT TO TOUCH A STRANGER MID PANIC ATTACK. The panic i almost had a handle on takes control of me again.  Finally I call the insurance company they say my insurance ended. I email the university they say of course i’m covered. I call the broker they say I have insurance. I try to go back to the window the lady is gone. I get a call berating me for missing my appointment and a condescending voice asks “so you think you have insurance through the university?” “NO” i bite back “I DO HAVE INSURANCE THROUGH THE UNIVERSITY” i end the call before i fall back into a sobbing mess. I text my husband to come pick me up i can barely stand let alone ride the train home.

I’d decided I was done, but i cant focus i’m too busy worrying my studies are suffering so i emailed me dr last night about possibly resuming the zoloft in my cabinet. She recommends celexa or effexor…I have an appointment request pending maybe i’ll get a baseline THEN retry making a therapy appointment.

Throwing In The Towel

I tried to go back to therapy today. I got a referral I made an appointment. But apparently it was all too easy…and it wasn’t even all that easy.

The scheduler initially wanted to book me an appointment in June and I decided to quit.  An appointment in June is useless to me. It’s all I can get. I’ll figure it out on my own. End of story.Then magically he found a same day slot for me. It’s funny some say it was great self advocacy when actually I really was just giving up.

Then i arrived at my magic same day appointment and was told I didnt have insurance. I do have medical insurance it’s part of my doctoral fellowship. I had my card, I know my number, I know my copay. I have insurance. But apparently the insurance website says it was canceled. so the lady called and they confirmed it’d been canceled.

And that’s when I felt it. The rising panic. It was all I could do to not reach through the little window and grab my insurance card and ID back from the lady so i could go have my attack in private. By the time I had my cards back in hand I managed to get a few feet away and sit and struggle to breath tears streaming down my cheeks.

Making the appointment had increased my anxiety level. going to the appointment had increased my anxiety level. the insurance glitch pushed me over the edge.

As i sat there trying to breath the check in lady approached and tried to talk to me. when that didn’t work she put her hand on my shoulder. And looking back Im quite impressed I just snapped at her to not touch me. Who does that? who puts their hands on a stranger during a panic attack?

I finally got my wits about me a bit and called the insurance company. They confirmed my insurance has been cancled but couldn’t tell me why because the university uses a broker. I felt the anxiety rising again so sat on the floor for a bit then called the broker who says I am insured and doesn’t know why the insurance says otherwise and has no clue as to how to fix it but if i wanted to pass the phone to the lady she’d see if she could fix it. of course by the time i got off the floor and back to the window the lights were of and the staff were gone. it hadn’t been that long but apparently they go home exactly at 5 even if there is a woman in the midst of a breakdown on their lobby floor.

Not feeling able to walk, i had my husband come pick me up instead of taking the train home and now 5 hours (and couple drinks) later I’m thinking of giving up. It seems that therapy is worse for me than nontherapy so I’m done with it. I will figure this out, i always do but I will figure it out alone because seriously aint nobody got time for this.


I want to thank the people inside my computer.  It’s been rough and ya’ll recognized and reached out with supportive comments, here and on twitter, which really helped.

I mean except for that one troll who basically replied with the equivalent of “you’re right you suck go ahead and kill yourself” that was not helpful but luckily i’d already started to come out the other side before I read that.

ANYWAY just wanted to say thanks…maybe i’ll actually get around to writing about my wedding before my six month anniversary…Oh and Open Adoption Visit 2013 3.0 AND Open Adoption Visit 2014 1.0 (which technically was attached to OAV2013 3.0 but Kidlet says it totally also counts as OAV2014 1.0 and I’m letting him call the shots.


New Normal

Sometime last month I misplaced my antidepression/antianxiety meds.  I’m between primary care doctors (really disliked the last one i tried and have an appt for a new one next month) so it wasn’t as simple as calling someone up and saying hey I can’t find my pills can you send a refill order in. By the time I found them I was already experiencing withdrawal symptoms and decided I’d just finish the detox and try it med free for a bit…

Anyone who read my last post knows it was a bit of a rocky transition. I almost went back on the meds at one point, but i reminded myself that i’d gotten through most of the bad and i’d have to re-do it if i wanted to go off again in the future (which i know i would) so i stuck it out. ANd i’m glad i did. I’m feeling better. I may still be having a few post med side effects or i may just not remember 100% what my anxiety was like before the meds but either way it’s managable.

I finished the semester with passable grades; some better than i feared some not as good as i’d hoped but all passable. I have hope for next semester since i’ll be taking few courses AND not be withdrawal in during finals.

Things are looking up and I’m doing ok…

Coming to Terms

For a long long time I’ve been convinced that I could have parented. That Kidlet would’ve been ok that I would’ve been ok. But maybe thats one of the stages. A phase if you will. ANd maybe now it’s time to come to terms. I’d have been a shit mom. I am a shit mom. I should not be allowed near children and should not be allowed to have any more kids. if he turns out well its no thanks to me not having me around is all i’ve ever been able to give him thats worth a damn it’s the only thing thats working in his favor.

NaBloPoMo Fail

Today is November 8 my last post was on November 6.  I have already failed NaBloPoMo, but really I’m okay with that.

Because even though I only made it a week that week was enough to remind me why I love blogging. So while it wont be a daily thing it will definately be something I make time for.

Not an excuse, but part of the reason I wasn’t able to maintain the daily posting schedule is I’ve been migrainy for the last week. The last week also happens to be a time that I’ve had a higher than normal load at school so I’ve been in pain, queasy, and working my ass off.

A lot of healthy people underestimate how exhausting it is to have a chronic illness, but it always surprises me that after 24 years of migraines I often underestimate it. I’ve trained myself to work through the pain when I’d rather be curled up in a ball in a dark corner. But while I can work through it that doesn’t mean it doesn’t take an additional toll. Sure the migraine only lasted six days, but here I am two days post migraine still in the hangover phase.

Some people use the spoon theory, but i feel like i’ve been pushing myself so hard this week i’m borrowing spoons from days I may never get to see. I’m exhausted and just the thought of going to the laundry room to get the clothes out of the drier has me nearly in tears. I also need to go to the post office and get to class. I’m missing this class next week because of a conference so I dont think I can skip today, but i’m also not sure i can stay awake the whole time.


There has been se media attention recently on women in various religions. The pope has said some things that could be interpreted as pro woman, the mormons blocked a door with a garbage truck rather than let women attend a meeting, and the Adventists have just elected a woman to some elevated status.

I’m not being purposefully vague I’m just not religious so not invested in any of this and the details haven’t stuck with me. I suppose I could google it, but the specifics aren’t really that important. What I’m focused on is the overwhelming urge to protect children that do not even exist (yet).

TeacherMan once raised the subject of our someday kids and their exposure to religion, specifically the religion of his family, his childhood, and to some extent his present. I had no problem at the time with our hypothetical children going to church and reading bible stories. And I suppose I still don’t, but I feel the need to make sure I’m prepared to combat any potential misogyny (or other bigotry) they may encounter. I’m not worried this bigotry will be directed at them I know their father, grandmother, and other family and friends will shield them and defend them from it. What I am worried about is their exposure to it as the status quo. I don’t want my daughters or sons feeling comfortable with the implication that women are less than men. I don’t want them to ever feel inequality is just the way it is. I want them to grow up in such a way that they not only feel comfortable questioning, but that questioning is ingrained in them. That it would be weird NOT to question. And to know that “this is the way we’ve always done it” is never a satisfactory answer.


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