Yay I have insurance. Insurance that covers “behavioral health” aka mental health services with just a $25 copay. I was so happy not to be priced out of therapy after the move. However, it still looks like i’ll be therapy free for the forseeable future.
I had an appointment in October with a woman in private practice. She sees patients out of her home. However, she scheduled me right on the heels of another client which mean i was waiting outside right until the moment of my appt. That wasn’t so bad in October. And I suppose knowing that I could have tried not to be so punctual (I’d assumed there’d be forms to fill out prior to the first session so arrived 10 min early). But alas something just didn’t “feel right”. She was adopted connected which make me uncomfortable even though she didn’t say any of the classic “i will never see this therapist again” things. In fact she was the FIRST therapist to recognize relinquishment was trauma. Any yet I haven’t felt moved to make another appointment with her.
I miss my therapist back on the correct coast. She was awesome. responded to emails, i was able to get appointments when panic i couldn’t control arose she would tell me dr to adjust my meds as we saw nec and ignore the dr when she got all worried about nothing (no seriously one tuesday i took the PDQ9 with my therapist and we did a happy dance at how well i was doing. That thursday I had a physical and took it with my dr who spent 15 minutes trying to convince me to up my meds…then she emailed my therapist to consult about upping my meds)
But I’m here now for at least another 3.5 years so correct coast therapist is not an option. I tried using the coping skills I’d already developed and that worked for awhile. I tried weaning myself off the zoloft (and spoke to my primary care dr about it because safety warning: you should never make changes to your medications without discussing it with a doctor)
Then the anxiety started rising there were a few bouts of depression, but mainly the anxiety it reached level orange and wouldn’t recede. Sometimes it’d rise to level red sometimes after specific recognizable triggers and sometimes for seemingly no reason at all.
So I tried to make an appointment with a new therapist. They can get me in late May or Early June they tell me without even hearing why i’m calling or who i’d like to see. I explain that i’ve viewed their website and have found three providers i’d be comfortable trying. Somehow I magically get an appointment for that afternoon.
I arrive to check in and i’m told i dont have insurance. I scoff and say yes i do it’s through the university. She makes a call. Your coverage ended last week.
I go into full panic mode get as far from the check in window as i can before i just sink to the ground trying to breath. trying to get my heart to stop racing. trying to see straight. I’m starting to get a hold on my self when she is there by my side trying to talk about this insurance mess and then she puts her hand on me.
I know she meant it to be calming but WHO THE FUCK WORKS FOR A MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AND DOESN’T KNOW NOT TO TOUCH A STRANGER MID PANIC ATTACK. The panic i almost had a handle on takes control of me again. Finally I call the insurance company they say my insurance ended. I email the university they say of course i’m covered. I call the broker they say I have insurance. I try to go back to the window the lady is gone. I get a call berating me for missing my appointment and a condescending voice asks “so you think you have insurance through the university?” “NO” i bite back “I DO HAVE INSURANCE THROUGH THE UNIVERSITY” i end the call before i fall back into a sobbing mess. I text my husband to come pick me up i can barely stand let alone ride the train home.
I’d decided I was done, but i cant focus i’m too busy worrying my studies are suffering so i emailed me dr last night about possibly resuming the zoloft in my cabinet. She recommends celexa or effexor…I have an appointment request pending maybe i’ll get a baseline THEN retry making a therapy appointment.