…blogging is free

Scrolling through facebook this morning I can across a link to an article written by an adoptive mother who has become a full time adoption advocate. She seems to base her entire education and advocacy platform based on her own limited experience and myth.

I was just going to roll my eyes and move on, but then I read that adoption isn’t just a gain for the adoptive parents, the, “child benefits from being adopted as much as or more than the parents who adopt him or her.”

Wow way to gloss over all the loss children experience in order to be adopted. I hope an adoptee (or two or ELEVENTY BILLION) push back against that statement. I don’t feel equipped enough to do so. I will however tackle some of her assertions about relinquishing mothers.

With no citation or reference to how she “knows” she asserts as fact that money does not motivate mothers to relinquish. That we, “Lack important resources that could provide a healthy and loving home for the child, like social skills, safety, emotional support and stability.”

Nope, I only thing I lacked that led me to consider adoption was money. While working in adoption the only thing that delegates many of my clients from potential adoptive parents was money. A majority of the other mothers I know who have relinquished state they were led to consider relinquishment because of money.

After considering adoption and contacting agencies or facilitators some moms were led to believe lacked more than money, however that’s what happens after you spend some time speaking with a coercive entity. You begin to doubt your abilities to your very core.

She goes on to justify the amount charged for adoption by saying. “part of the money that is spent in adoption goes to counseling services for the birth mother (and sometimes birth father), ensuring that the birth mother is making the best decision possible for the baby, that she learns how to communicate with adoptive parents effectively, and that she knows the sort of emotional roller coaster to expect after she gives birth.”

Nope. In some rare cases agencies provide true counseling to expectant parents before during and after relinquishment. Too often, however, they instead label their services as counseling when it is neither unbiased nor offered by a trained professional.

Adoption professionals all too often are adoptive parents who decide to open an agency or facilitation service. They hire other adoptive parents few of whom have been educated as social workers, counselors, therapists, or any other helping profession. Also common is for the same pseudo professional to be assigned to work with potential adoptive parents and expectant parents considering relinquishment creating a huge unethical conflict of interest.

As a way to justify adoption fundraising she later asserts that, “Private adoptions create the best avenue of supporting birth parents, but the cost can range from $12,000 to $30,000+.”

Nope. Private adoption, that is adoption using an attorney after meeting an expectant mother or couple independent, tends to include the fewest services to relinquishing parents with an extremely high possibility of unethical behavior. It’s also illegal in many states. Agency adoption and foster adoption provide more services to birth parents, but only if done through an ethical entity. Too few ethical entities exist.

I personally received nothing that could even remotely be considered counseling. I received a few emails and even fewer telephone conversations before legal paperwork arrived in the mail. I never met the facilitator/”counselor” in person, didn’t have my own lawyer and only met the adoptive parents lawyer when he brought relinquishment papers for me to sign. In the hospital. While I was medicates. After an emergency c-section.

NEVER was post relinquishment discussed. No information about logistics of maintaining communication in our open adoption and none about the emotional rollercoaster. I have no idea what my son’s parents paid to adopt him, but I hope they weren’t under the impression that ANY of that went to provide services to me, because if so they were lied to.

Adoption needs reform. Which means we need more trained professionals who are educated about adoption realities and fewer adoptive parents who quit their day jobs to spout myths.

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Comments on: "Being An Adoptive Parent Doesn’t Make You An Expert" (7)

  1. Thank you for taking the time to write this instead of just scrolling. It’s important.

  2. Can’t make the comment section work…

  3. texasebeth1 said:

    As an adoptive parent I can only say AMEN!! I like to think our agency is one of the more ethical ones out there. More and more I am learning how badly so many adoptions are handled. While I am by no means the perfect adoptive parent, I am working on changing my attitudes and beliefs about the whole adoption triad and system.

  4. What I’d like to know is, who does this woman think she’s kidding? Of course poverty is one of the main reasons women surrender their children to adoption. Money is power. Poverty is vulnerability.

  5. Thank you for this post…far too many people have no understand of what adoption does to both the natural mother and child–the years of grieving and loss for the mother; the sense of abandonment for the child. Keep on writing the truth.

  6. My son’s “poor adoptive parents” were lied to almost as much as I was during the adoption process. They were most likely also told that I would be able to just move on, so that promising me things that were NEVER going to happen wouldn’t be a big deal. Our “open door” was slammed shut in my face after only 6 months, and the reasoning from them was that it was because I was so “angry and resentful towards them” about the adoption that they didn’t think that having visits would be a good idea. They also shared that they didn’t have any concrete idea of what an “open door” actually meant, so I suppose I can’t hold them 100% responsible. It is sickening to think back on the lies that I was told about how adoption would affect my family and my son and me….and it makes me sick to think that my son’s adopters thought that paying for an adoptive mother to “counsel” me through the loss of my son was IN ANY WAY appropriate. I thought I had picked better people for him. Guess not.

  7. Good morning friends am a student of university of Nigeria Nsukka and i would like you to work together with my school.just click here http://www.unn.edu.ng

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