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Archive for the ‘This is what I think about’ Category

Hello, My Old Friend

Years ago, I set aside this blog. I started new blogs. I left those to lie dormant as well. But therapy is still expensive and blogging is still relatively free and so here I am. It doesn’t surprise me that I’m back. I am a bit surprised I returned to this domain, but I guess I shouldn’t be. It feels more like home that the other newer blogs i spent far less time at.

I’m struggling right now. Struggling like so many others. There’s nothing special about my struggle.  I’m struggling to see children separated from their families at the border but i’m struggling just as much if not more with the “families belong together” hashtags. I’m not the only one.

I’m struggling to get out of bed on a daily basis. So this week I didn’t. Monday through Thursday I stayed in bed. I didn’t shower. I didn’t get dressed. I didn’t do one single thing on my to do list. Last night i finally showered. I meant to go to the farmers market before it closed, but couldn’t so decided the shower was enough of a win. Today (friday) i woke at a few minutes past 6 and was surprisingly alert. So i decided i’d ride into the the city with TeacherMan. I had no concrete plan just to be out of bed. Out of the apartment.

And so here i sit. It took me about an hour to send an email, which immediately set me spinning after i hit send. Another hour to create a realistic to do list. I’m in my third hour and not sure anything *on* the to do list will get done. But: baby steps.

I’m on a new med that may or may not be working. More specifically, it seems to give me the energy to get out of bed but combats none of my anxiety. I’ll give it more time, but for now this might be worse. It might be worse to have the energy to accomplish things but debilitating anxiety.

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New Year Same Me

It’s New Years Day, 2015. I’m sure I’m supposed to use this time and this space to make resolutions, predictions, and promises. But I really don’t see 2015 being much different from 2014, if at all.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that 2014 was bad. It wasn’t. In fact all in all it was a pretty good year. I saw my kid a few times, I visited my parents, I passed all my classes, I presented at conferences. But I wasn’t transformed.

I didn’t finally commit to clean living despite wanting to be healthier. I didn’t join a gym or start running despite wanting to get in shape. I didn’t give up all possible migraine triggers despite wanting to get a better handle on my chronic migraines. I did find a therapist, but I also fired her after a bad session. And by fired I mean just never went back because I’m ever so “good” at confrontation and termination.

And the thing  is I’m not saying any of this because I plan to change it or because I feel badly about these supposed failings. I don’t. I’m still the same me and I’ll be the same me in 2015. And I’m more than okay with that.