Years ago, I set aside this blog. I started new blogs. I left those to lie dormant as well. But therapy is still expensive and blogging is still relatively free and so here I am. It doesn’t surprise me that I’m back. I am a bit surprised I returned to this domain, but I guess I shouldn’t be. It feels more like home that the other newer blogs i spent far less time at.
I’m struggling right now. Struggling like so many others. There’s nothing special about my struggle. I’m struggling to see children separated from their families at the border but i’m struggling just as much if not more with the “families belong together” hashtags. I’m not the only one.
I’m struggling to get out of bed on a daily basis. So this week I didn’t. Monday through Thursday I stayed in bed. I didn’t shower. I didn’t get dressed. I didn’t do one single thing on my to do list. Last night i finally showered. I meant to go to the farmers market before it closed, but couldn’t so decided the shower was enough of a win. Today (friday) i woke at a few minutes past 6 and was surprisingly alert. So i decided i’d ride into the the city with TeacherMan. I had no concrete plan just to be out of bed. Out of the apartment.
And so here i sit. It took me about an hour to send an email, which immediately set me spinning after i hit send. Another hour to create a realistic to do list. I’m in my third hour and not sure anything *on* the to do list will get done. But: baby steps.
I’m on a new med that may or may not be working. More specifically, it seems to give me the energy to get out of bed but combats none of my anxiety. I’ll give it more time, but for now this might be worse. It might be worse to have the energy to accomplish things but debilitating anxiety.