How do you feel after a visit?
My visits are a bit different than most of the other first moms I know. Since Kidlet and his family live on the opposite side of the country our visits don’t last a few hours or even a day (except for that one). They last a week or more (maybe ten-ish days). I also stay at their home so thats a week to ten days of round the clock adoption visit. It’s intense to say the least. Not that I’m complaining, I love my visits.
However, due to the intensity and the me being in Kidlet’s presence for a long time I spend a lot of time trying to control myself and my emotions. Do you know how much energy it takes to be at an open adoption visit and regulate your emotions for a week to ten days?
So how do I feel afterwards?
Barb summed it up so accurately
Exhausted. Sad. Angry. Weird. Confused. Amazed. Numb. Contemplative. Grumpy. Listless. Misunderstood. Nonessential. Overstimulated. A whole bunch of “oh shit“
as well as when she said
I never knew if it was right to hug him. I never knew if he liked me or even wanted to be there (in the last few). I never knew whether it was right to say “hey, I do that too!” or “I was good at that too!”.
Last summer before my most recent visit M told me it’s ok to show those emotions. It’s okay to be that one person who comes just to see Kidlet and to have emotion about it. It’s okay to cry etc. And yet I have SO. MUCH. EMOTION. even when I’m trying to be real and let it show I need to regulate it to not flood Kidlet with my emotion letting out a year or two of emotions at once would overwhelm me who knows what it would do to a 10 year old.
So in light of all that after a visit I feel hungover. Thats the only way I can describe it. A post visit hangover.