Heather has posted the latest Open Adoption RoundTable prompt.
Write about open adoption and being scared.
Ten years into this open adoption life I am still scared. It’s gotten better since my talk with M in Virginia but when I stop making myself think rationally and relax a bit the anxiety creeps back in. And when that happens so does the fear. Because one conversation doesn’t erase a lifetime of neurosis no matter how much I wish it did.
I’m still scared that each contact will be our last. Each visit. Each phone call. Each text. Each FB message. Each email. Rationally I know the adoption is not closing but irrationally when my anxiety takes over as it does from time to time I can’t help but think the reason they matched with someone so far away is do they wouldn’t have to maintain a relationship and I’m scared I won’t live up to expectations and they’ll decide they and the boys are better off without me.
I’m scared Kidlet will be so angry with me he won’t be able to hear my reasons. He won’t want a relationship. He won’t want contact. He won’t love me.
I’m scared I’ll never heal. Never be whole never be anything other than a birth mom.