I’m not sure if Heather is clairvoiant or just a genius, but as always the roundtable topic is timely.
This time we’ll take it a step further and explore the question:
Has open adoption ever felt like too much? Have you ever wanted to walk away?
For the last few weeks I’ve been taunted by a recurring twitter post and a half finished blog post sits in my drafts folder about it. Basically, I saw an obnoxious tweet and chose to ignore it. Then I saw it again and rolled my eyes and continued on with my day. Then it popped up a third time and I typed up a reply but never tweeted it hitting delete instead. The fourth time I saw it I grabbed a screen shot and debated blogging about it not wanting to give the offending tweeter an extra publicity…so I crossed out the name and url…
and then i sat and stared at the computer screen and wanted to scream “ADOPTION ISN’T MEANT TO BE EASY ASSHOLE” Because really it’s marketing like that right there that is the problem, or at least part of the problem. Convincing people that it’s supposed to be easy and then they’re shocked when it isn’t. Because as we discussed in January Adoption isn’t easy.
So back to the current prompt, Has open adoption ever felt like too much. Short answer YES.
Long answer: It’s too much to watch someone else raising your child. It’s too much to watch him display behaviors and wonder if it’s your fault either because of your genes or because your presence has thrown off his routine. It’s too much to watch him be comforted by someone else. It’s too much to wish that pristine medical history you gave at 18 could stay pristine each time you call and report yet another illness that has cropped up in the family. It’s too much to have to explain adoption to your five year old niece who wants nothing more than to have a sleepover with her cousin. It’s too much to watch your sister sharing all the family traditions with her kids that you will never get to share with yours. It’s all just too too much.
Have I ever wanted to walk away? No, not really. Open adoption is hard and all sorts of too much, but I don’t think closed adoption would be easy and it would have it’s own aspects that were also too much. Too much not knowing, not getting to watch and see and too much wondering. Losing Kidlet to adoption the first time did things to me, it changed me. Losing the small bit of him I have of him through openness would
kill me stop me in my tracks for a long long while. And yet, while the question is clearly phrased asking if I’ve ever WANTED to walk away you may have noticed that in one of the posts I linked to I was prepared to do just that. I’d do anything for that kid so if a time comes where he needs me to step back I’ll do it but until then no amount of “hard” or “too much” is going to make me want to walk away. I won’t abandon him a second time. I won’t do it.