Write about siblings and open adoption.
For a moment I considered sitting this one out. And since I’m sleep deprived and cranky perhaps I should have. Afterall I don’t have any children besides Kidlet. The ex doesn’t have any children besides Kidlet (that I know of). I’m only privy to his interactions with KidBrother based on what I see during visits or what I’m told. So what could I possibly have to say on the subject of siblings and open adoption?
Well I hope to have more children eventually and when I do I know I will consider them Kidlet’s brother(s) and or sister(s). I know J&M will consider them Kidlet’s siblings. I hope Kidlet will consider them his siblings. I hope he will recognize his biological connection to them the same way he does with me. I don’t know what that/those relationship(s) will look like, but I have faith that we’ll all do the best we can to figure it out.
The sibling relationship between Kidlet and my theoretical future children is the easy part. Well as easy as anything is in the complex relationship that is open adoption. What is harder, is knowing how to navigate a relationship between my someday children and KidBrother.
KidBrother has biological siblings and he has Kidlet. Will he reject the notion that my children, Kidlet’s biological siblings, could be anything to him whatsoever? Will he embrace that the siblings of his brother as his own? Will reality land somewhere between those two extremes? Will my children’s presence regardless of how good of relationships they have with KidBrother cause him wish for better relationships with his biological siblings. Will it lead to him resenting them? I hope that KidBrother is able to see Kidlet’s someday siblings as his family too and I think that with the way family is being defined in his life thus far it should be ok. Only time will tell and thankfully I have a few years yet before I plan on attempting parenthood.
Therapy Is Expensive 
Comments on: "Open Adoption Roundtable #20: Someday Siblings" (3)
What a tangled web we weave….
I just realized that since Bluebell has two brothers in her adopted family (who are also adopted and have different birthparents) there is the very real possibility of including FOUR sets of additional “half” brothers and sisters to her future family ties. (The birthparents of both of her brothers are not together and there is a snowball’s chance in hell of those couples having any more children together, so it multiples by two). I wasn’t really thinking about Bluebell having relationships with those kids but by default I guess somehow she will.
The equation is getting complicated. No wonder I was always bad at math!
And here is where I come off as a bit of a hypocrite. I don’t actually consider KidBrother’s bio siblings as Kidlet’s siblings (although it doesn’t really matter who I consider what the Kids will make their own decisions as they get older).
Kidlet met (some of?) them when they went to adopt KidBrother, but as far as I know that was the only contact the family has really had with Kidlet. KidBrother’s adoption is theoretically open, but the family has chosen not to have ongoing contact. (it’s complicated, but not my story to tell). I actually WISH KidBrother’s bio sibs had a relationship with both boys to lay the foundation for the type of relationship I hope Kidlets someday sibs will have.
I suppose I have no right to expect relationships between KidBrother and any children I have in the future. However, based on the amount of contact I have with the entire family (including visits) I do see it happening I just also see it being super complicated…and I have never been good at math either 🙂
Ya know, here’s another instance when I think the (English) language we have is just not sufficient to describe the situation. The lable “brother” or “sister” or whatever in these extended families created through adoption may not be right, but I have little doubt that your future children WILL have a relationship with KidBrother, and it will be significant to them all, because it is important to you.
I have definitely met families where close friends are “Aunties” or step-fathers are “Daddy,” which leads me to feel that the labels should describe the intensity of the relationship, rather than the actual blood or legal connection.
(Sorry to highjack with another rant about how language might interfere with reality!)