Its that time again, Heather has posted the new Open Adoption Roundtable writing prompt
Write about names/naming and open adoption.
I feel like I’ve written about this before, so some of it may be a bit repetative. Although perhaps I’ve only thought about writing it down so in that case it may be all new. Its hard to write about names without using any names. I am tempted to let the psydonyms fall by the way side for this post but it is not my right to make that choice. And so I will try to have this be as clear as possible.
I shall start with a cast of characters:
- Kidlet – my placed son
- The Ex- Kidlet’s first dad
- SisterFriend – My older sister
- BabySister- My younger sister
- Babykins and NewBaby- daughters of my younger sister
- M- Kidlets mom
- J- Kidlets dad
The Ex and his father shared a name, but with different spellings and from early in my pregnancy we knew we would name Kidlet using The Ex’s father’s spelling.
In my family middle names start with a certain letter. They just do. My grandmother, aunt, and SisterFriend all share a middle name. BabySister, Babykins, NewBaby(coming soon), and I all have middle names that share the same first letter with their name. So I knew Kidlet’s middle name would start with that letter.
I know M and I discussed names prior to Kidlet’s birth, but everything was a blur then and is more than a little hazy now. I know she followed traditions from her faith to select a list of suitable names. I know that the name The Ex and I had selected for Kidlet’s middle name made the list J&M had for first names. I don’t remember if that was merely coincidence or if we discussed it. I also know that the name they chose for Kidlet’s middle name represents The Ex, it means poet. (I feel its ok for me to say that because there are many names that mean poet and I don’t think anyone will be able to identify Kidlet even if they do happen to guess the right one)
I often wonder if I should have named him. I vaguely remember in the hospital being slow to fill out the birth certificate paperwork because part of me thought I should just put down the name J&M had picked. Perhaps it was selfishness, but I chose to fill out the paperwork with the names The Ex and I had chosen.
Maybe he will grow up and resent that for a few days he had another name. Maybe he will confirm that it was selfish on my part to name him. Maybe he’ll enjoy that for a few days he shared a name with this first father and grandfather. I didn’t know the right thing then, and I don’t know it now.
Therapy Is Expensive 
Comments on: "Open Adoption Roundtable 6: Names" (5)
I wasn’t going to include this but the topic is names so I tried to add it to the post but it didn’t flow. I thought about writing a part two but instead I’ll just put it here in the comments
Epilogue:
I have recently learned that even though adoptees do not currently have access to their OBCs the birth parents should be able to obtain them based on how the law is written in my state. When I found this out I wanted to rush down to vital records and get a copy of Kidlet’s OBC. To this day however, the one bit of information I can’t see through the fog is what last name I gave him. In those few days before the adoption was final was he a [my last name] or was he a [The Ex’s last name].
I know The Ex couldn’t be listed on the OBC because we were not married and he wasn’t present to sign his consent to be listed. But I still think they let me use his last name. But I was angry he wasn’t there, did that anger prevent me from giving our son his name? I CANT REMEMBER. I’m ashamed I can’t remember. I’m pissed I can’t remember. It wasn’t even something I knew I didn’t remember until I decided to try for his OBC. I feel like such a failure. What kind of mother doesn’t remember her child’s name.
I think that Kidlet will not think of you as selfish at all. I think that he will appreciate that you loved him enough to give him a name of your choice. That will be a special thing between you and him in the future.
Not that it matters what I think…. but I don’t think it is selfish in the least that you put the name that you and the Ex had discussed. And I also don’t think you have any reason to feel like a failure for not remembering the last name you put on the birth certificate, especially given the situation with the Ex and all else that must have been going through your mind.
(Adoptive mom here) I think it’s wonderful that you put the name you and the Ex chose for Kidlet. It’s your gift to him. While we kept the name our daughter’s first mom gave her it’s really cool to see her name and her first mom’s last name on her OBC. Our state is different I guess. We have it. And it’s in my daughter’s scrapbook.
Can’t you request both birth certificates? Explain if you need to and hope you get someone that is understandable.
[…] mom KatjaMichelle at Therapy is Expensive: “Maybe he will grow up and resent that for a few days he had another name. Maybe he will […]