Therapy Is Expensive

It’s that time again. And this time I’ll actually publish my post. This weeks assignment is to

write about a small moment that open adoption made possible.

Since I am indecisive I’ve chosen more than one…never have been one for following directions

Moment 1:

It was a hot North Carolina June Day at the community pool. Kidlet quickly tired of hanging out with adults. He’d shown off his cannonball skills and decided to go off and play with his friends. KidBrother and J were in the shallow end of the pool. And so I swam and watched Kidlet play from an acceptable (to him) distance. Understanding his desire to play with his friends did little to squash the feelings of being an outsider. I watched and took pictures of both Kidlet and KidBrother and then I heard it, “Help me splash, Kat. Help me splash my Birth Mom.” In one shout to his friends Kidlet had included me and owned me at the same time. My heart melted as a splash war broke out. Splashing six year olds sent torrents of water toward me from all directions. I’m pretty sure I lost the battle. I’m certain I won so much more.

Moment 2:

Another June Day in NC. This time complete with overbearing humidity. Kidlet is in the backyard with friends his mother, father, and I watch from the comfort of the air conditioned house. Soon after the play begins I see concern in his blue green eyes as he runs toward the house. “My friends want to know who you are.” He announces as he darts inside. Either his mother or I, or maybe both, let him know he can tell them. That he can just say my name or he can tell them more if he wants. He throws open the slider once more and before he even steps outside yells, “This is Kat my Birth Mom,” then ran to continue playing with his friends.

Moment 3:

It started with a simple wall post about a date. M responded with encouraging words and directed me to just be myself. I only half jokingly added that, “I don’t want to be myself, but since being you is already taken I guess I’ll settle for being me.” M was quick to reply,

since I see so much of myself in u – I think we can call it a draw

Simple words. Perhaps not even a moments consideration went into them. Perhaps she’s not aware of the overwhelming love I felt as I read them. I cannot think of a higher complement I could receive from her.

Moment 4:

There is a distinct moment in my head. One where M came down from the pedestal I’d placed her on. The moment I realized she was a real person. The moment I started loving her even more than before. A moment where I was very happy with my choice for Kidlets parents. But the details of that moment are not mine to share. As with the previous moments the details are ingrained in my heart and mind for all time.

These are the moments that validate Open Adoption for me.

Can you jump on a roundtable and a bandwagon at the same time? Well I just did.

Over at PNR the first of presumably many OA RoundTable Prompts has been posted:

…think back to who you were when open adoption first entered into your life. As with so many things in life, thinking about open adoption without having experienced it and actually living it out are two very different things. What do you know now that you wish you knew then? Has the reality of open adoption as it’s looked in your life matched your expectations? What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could?

It doesn’t seem on the surface to be a difficult question.  We all look at our pasts and have, “if only I’d known then” moments.  In fact recently during my first adoption support group meeting while telling my story it was joked that I should write an adoption book called, “If I knew then…”.  Not to mention that about a year ago, as part of a work related therapeutic type group I wrote a letter to my 17 year old self. But maybe there-in lies the problem.  I have so many, “if only”s I can’t narrow it down. 

Would I tell my 17 year old self to be more involved in the openness earlier on? It sounds like a good idea in hindsight. but would it have been a good thing in practice?  I was not in an emotionally healthy place right after relinquishment.  Perhaps if I’d been more involved from the beginning everything would have gone well, but perhaps we all needed to ease into our openness.  To let it progress naturally.  So no, thats not the bit of advice I’d give my then self. 

I want to steal some wisdom from The Chronicles and tell my then self to get some counseling.  Before, during, and after.  However, the lack of success I’m having at getting my 25 year old self to get counseling doesn’t convince me my 17 year old self would be very open to the idea.

So then what would it be? What would be that one piece of advice?  I want so badly to tell my 17 year old self to parent, but even typing that sentence triggers so much guilt I deleted it and re-typed it several times before deciding to let it stay.  But that isn’t really about my OA because if I gave myself that advice I wouldn’t be in an OA.  By the same token I suppose advice to room with my son, nurse, and bathe, and photograph him aren’t exactly OA related either. 

So I guess this is the long way of saying, “I don’t know.”  Which, in my defense is not how I thought I’d be ending this post just 5 minutes ago.