Therapy Is Expensive

I should start this one with a disclaimer. I know the debate about terminology. I know some prefer first mom or natural mom. If I know what you prefer I will try to use that term when talking to or about you but for me I don’t mind birth mom. This was cemented for me this year during my visit with my son announced with pride that I am his birth mom.

btw I know this is long but believe me it’s the short version.

At 17 I was pregnant. I was shocked and angry mostly because I wasn’t the “type” who got pregnant. Good student, stable family, didn’t drink or do drugs, wasn’t promiscuous. I was a good girl but I knew girls who weren’t. I had friends who had many partners and never used condoms so when the test came back positive I was confused. Why me?

I went back and forth about my options. I’m pro-choice but never really even considered abortion. My mom brought up the subject once I told her no and that was the end of it. I dont remember who brought up adoption but it was discussed from the beginning as being “THE CHOICE”. You know the one where even though there are other options it’s the only one getting air time.

I found a facilitator but then on the day we were supposed to meet there was an earthquake. She couldn’t cross the bridge. I didn’t reschedule. For awhile I took it as a sign, maybe I should have held on to that belief a little longer. I decided to parent thats when things got bad.

I was told I was selfish and childish. It’s funny even those of us who consider ourself to be above the influence of others arn’t. It does wierd things to your head having everyone doubt you. You start to believe it. I was convinced I’d be a bad mother. I told myself that as a parent I had to do the best thing for my son and obviously that couldn’t be having me as a mom. The fact that I decided to put him first should have been a clue that maybe, just maybe, I’d have been an ok mom.

So I called the facilitator again but we never met she sent me some profiles I picked one and called them to talk. It went well until the race issue came up. I mentioned that I’m mixed and that the baby would be 1/4 black. Maybe I imagined it but the conversation went downhill from there. About a week later I was told by the facilitator that they got a different referral. I wonder sometimes if they chose someone else because of the race thing. In my mind that is the reason and then I smile because the jokes on them. My angel has blond hair and blue eyes and is lighter than his white adoptive parents. So ha on ya’ll!

The next set of profiles I looked through contained THE profile I was drawn to it. I guess I should thank the others for not matching with me because I never felt drawn to them the way I did to J&M. The first conversation with M lasted for hours it was like talking to a friend or older sister. Or even an older me.

I chose J&M to be my angels parents. And I’m glad I did but at the same time I wish I hadn’t. I love them they are my family now but what if….