This weekend I had a first date with Mohawk.  On the surface he doesn’t seem like my type AT ALL but we will definately be seeing eachother again and so far I kinda like him. 

So why am I bringing my data drama here from the other blog? Because he asked if I had kids.  And I said, “yes I have a son but he lives in [faraway state].” But I didn’t say anything about adoption.

And then he asked if I see him and I said, “I see him as often as I can which obviously isn’t often enough and thank god for internet and telephones” But I didn’t mention adoption.

I never lied, but I left out a rather important detail. Or did I? Does it matter that I didn’t tell him about the adoption? I figured there would be more questions and that we’d get to the adoption stuff, but he just said he was glad I kept in touch and then changed the subject.

I have drinks with IT-Guy tonight maybe I’ll get his take on this too.

I’ve missed/avoided/ignored the last two OAR writing prompts for various reasons but am jumping back into the discussion with with this one.  Heather posted it today and I’ve been thinking about it every since reading it from my phone while I’m sure I was supposed to be doing something productive today.

This round we’re going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard–or perhaps even made–statements like these?

“We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them.”

“The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.”

“Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood.”

I’ll start with the medical history.  Its wonderful that you have medical history from the time your child was born, it wasn’t too long ago that even that wasn’t available. However, medical history is not static.  Its in part the label “history” that reinforces the belief that medical information need only be collected once. I’ll use my own story as an example.

I gave birth at 18 and filled in the medical “history” form completely however at that time I was fairly healthy as was my family.  Hell at that time I had all 4 grandparents and 2 great grandmothers alive and well. In the last 8 years a lot has changed.

1. My occasional migraines have become more chronic and more intense which has sent my doctors searching for additional underlying causes/conditions.
2. One of my great grandmothers has become ill and passed some of her illnesses may be hereditary
3. My paternal grandfather also passed this year and also suffered from some illnesses that may be hereditary
4. My mother has developed high blood pressure and diabetes
5. My mother became ill last winter and had to undergo blood transfusions and major surgery
6. My father is currently suffereing from joint issues
7. I have either a papilledema or pseudopapilledema
8. I went from have no known allergies to discovering I’m allergic to a very common medication
9. As we speak I am awaiting test results from todays doctors visit unrelated to any of the above

So, yes, having that piece of paper I filled out 8 years ago would be better than nothing but only barely.  In an open adoption I can shoot my son’s parents an email and say, “FYI momma was diagnoised as diabetic today just wanted to let you know so you can update [Kidlet]’s medical history”

Next lets look at leaving the decision to have a relationship with family until the child is an adult.  Is there any other family member that should be ignored and then when the child reaches 18 they can choose whether or not to contact them? Again I’ll use my family as an example.  BabySister and I have never been and probably will never be the best of friends.  I don’t agree with her parenting style (nothing abusive or neglectful just different from how I’d do things) I don’t agree with her priorities.  I don’t agree with her values.  If we weren’t related we would probably not interact on any level. 

And yet, she is my sister.  We are related.  Should I ignore that and when my children reach the age of 18 tell them, “Oh, by the way you have an aunt I didn’t want to force that connection on you but now that you’re adults you can contact her if you want”

All in all adults are uncomfortable with open adoption because its a foreign concept and if we raise our children to view it as an unusual occurance they will be uncomfortable with it as well.  If we raise them to know that differences in families are normal, that they have extended familyconnects that their friends may not, they can grow up embracing all of who they are.

I used to be a heavy sleeper.  I slept through alarm clocks, through storms, through earthquakes. Momma took pride that when I was little she could vacuum under my bed while I slept and I wouldn’t even budge. 

But after I gave birth that changed.  I became a super light sleeper.  The day I got home from the hospital the slightest noise would wake me and I would think I had heard my baby cry.  Made even more ridiculous because I knew he was 3000 miles away. 

Its been over 8 years and still I am woken by the slightest noise.

I have roommates.  If I fall asleep at 11 and then roommate 1 comes home at 11:15 I am awake and alert at the sound of the front door opening even if she’s trying to be quiet.  If I manage to fall back asleep by 11:45 and roommate 2 uses the bathroom at midnight I am then awake and alert for at least another half hour.  If one of the boyfriends spent the night and leaves the house at 5am so he can get to work on time I too am up and awake at 5 am. 

I miss being able to sleep.

I am one of three members of WA-CARE (thats Washington Coalition for Adoptee Rights and Equality) who will be meeting with a state legislator next Tuesday.  We hope this legislator will sponsor a bill re-instating access for adult adoptees to their original birth certificates.

My MSW Capstone project about First Mother Disenfranchised Grief (delving deeper into my project from last quarter).

My Child Youth and Family Policy Project is about OBC access (delving deeper into what I learned from last winter/spring’s research project and piggybacking on my work with the coalition).

Its my own fault that adoption is surrounding me at the moment.  Its like I’m testing myself.  How much adoption can I handle before I break?

Also my newest niece has arrived. I had planned on referring to her as Newbaby as she is the daughter of BabySister and the sister of Babykins but after much auntie/niece bonding it has been determined her name is Poppel because of the way that she sleeps in a ball no matter how I try to get her to straighten her legs. So now I will consider going back and changing her nickname is any post I have already mentioned her in…although that seems like a lot of work so maybe I’ll just use the new nickname starting now.

SoldierBoy should be home sometime this week for R&R, BabySister is anxious to see him as is Babykins and I’m sure he’s anxious to see them and meet Poppel as well.

I quite possibly may be part of a meeting with a state legislator at the end of the month when a coalition I’m involved with attempts to find a sponsor for an bill that would reinstate adult adoptee rights to their OBCs.

I am crossing my fingers and holding my breath.

Today we had a “happy unemployment anniversary” get together for the group of us who got laid off together last fall. It involved drinking, I’m still not yet sober.

After all our friends had left the roomies started talking to me.  I’m sure you all know how alcohol brings out emotional conversations (and if you don’t I envy you).  Somehow we ened up talking about adoption and its effect on my mood.

Jenasia under the influence of whiskey began in a very understanding way.

It gave me hope.

It made me open up.

It made me share.

And then it reverted to the place every conversation about first mother grief always goes.

“you HAVE to realize that so many others would kill to be in your place”

“you HAVE to be thankful…”

“eventually you have to get over it”

Ok the last one was only implied but the first two were stated clear as day. In the same breath that she validated my feeling she invalidated them.  In the same breath that she told me she “got it” she demonstrated that she didn’t.

As i mentioned Im still a little intoxicated so I’m not sure exactly how the conversation began but it wound down to me trying to get the roomies to understand that i need them to not try to make me be social when I am feeling anti-social.  That I fake it most of the time and that I don’t have energy to fake it when I come home as well. 

That I can put on a smile and go about my day with a sunny disposition but that when I come home I need to be able to acknowledge my crappy mood.  That I need to be able to isolate and cry and mope.  That I can’t be that fake happy person at home all the time too.

And just when it seemed they got it, i realized they actually didn’t.  That even though they understand to a point, when they reach that point they regress to almost complete misunderstanding. 

As exhausting as it is I’m going to need to start faking it at home.  I’m going to need to not turn of the smile once I walk through the door.  Because as much as they say they get it. As much as they try to get it.  If I’m sad they will spend all their energy trying to cheer me up.  If I feel like isolating they will spend all their energy trying to get me to socialize. So instead of putting them through that I will just go through the motions.

I will be happy, smiley,  joyful, and social.

at least on the outside.

And in the mean time I will find another location when I can be me because apparently home isn’t it.

While having drinks with IT guy last week the discussion turned to how much we’ve learned about ourselves recently and about being happy.  I tried to explain how I feel about how he and I and a bunch of others in our circle seem to define happiness.  

I tried to explain that we’re very immature in our view of happiness. That its a very black and white view for a world made up of shades of grey.  He didn’t get what I was trying to say and I couldn’t really find the words to explain it.

Then this week I was schooled by TG the fabulous.  She wrote about choosing happiness and in doing so said in part:

I smile more than I cry.

I laugh daily.

I don’t feel guilty for the good things that I’ve created in my life.

And thats what I was trying to say to IT guy.  

That happiness isn’t the absence of real life tough stuff, it’s enjoying the good stuff anyway.  I must admit I’m not there at the moment.  I’ve been there and then I’ve regressed, but I know I’ll be there agaim. And now that is what I’m reaching for, I’ve given up on seeking that idealized happiness.

I feel I should have grasped this concept sooner, and been able to explain it to IT guy. How many times have I said adoption isn’t all rainbows and butterflies?  A lot.  So why couldn’t I explain that life isn’t all sunshine either.  The rain will come (hell I live in the Pacific NorthWest so a LOT of rain will come) but happiness isn’t the lack of rain, its dancing in the rain, coping with the thunder, and enjoying the sunbreaks.

Its that time again, Heather has posted the new Open Adoption Roundtable writing prompt

 Write about names/naming and open adoption.

I feel like I’ve written about this before, so some of it may be a bit repetative.  Although perhaps I’ve only thought about writing it down so in that case it may be all new.  Its hard to write about names without using any names. I am tempted to let the psydonyms fall by the way side for this post but it is not my right to  make that choice. And so I will try to have this be as clear as possible.

I shall start with a cast of characters:

• Kidlet – my placed son
• The Ex- Kidlet’s first dad
• SisterFriend – My older sister
• BabySister- My younger sister
• Babykins and NewBaby- daughters of my younger sister
• M- Kidlets mom
• J- Kidlets dad

The Ex and his father shared a name, but with different spellings and from early in my pregnancy we knew we would name Kidlet using The Ex’s fathers spelling. 

In my family middle names start with a certain letter.  They just do.  My grandmother, aunt, and SisterFriend all share a middle name.  BabySister, Babykins, NewBaby(coming soon), and I all have middle names that share the same first letter with their name.  So I knew Kidlet’s middle name would start with that letter.

I know M and I discussed names prior to Kidlet’s birth, but everything was a blur then and is more than a little hazy now.  I know she followed traditions from her faith to select a list of suitable names.  I know that the name The Ex and I had selected for Kidlet’s middle name made the list J&M had for first names.  I don’t remember if that was merely coincidence or if we discussed it.  I also know that the name they chose for Kidlet’s middle name represents The Ex, it means poet. (I feel its ok for me to say that because there are many names that mean poet and I don’t think anyone will be able to identify Kidlet even if they do happen to guess the right one)

I often wonder if I should have named him.  I vaguely remember in the hospital being slow to fill out the birth certificate paperwork because part of me thought I should just put down the name J&M had picked.  Perhaps it was selfishness, but I chose to fill out the paperwork with the names The Ex and I had chosen. 

Maybe he will grow up and resent that for a few days he had another name.  Maybe he will confirm that it was selfish on my part to name him.  Maybe he’ll enjoy that for a few days he shared a name with this first father and grandfather.  I didn’t know the right thing then, and I don’t know it now.

Heather has posted our next challenge and let me tell you, it IS a challenge.

How has open adoption changed you? In what ways are you different because the presence of open adoption in your life?

This is a timely topic for me because Kidlet’s birthday had triggered similar thoughts.  8 years have passed since Kidlet was born and it feels like just yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.  I have changed a lot since then, in some ways i don’t even recognize the me i was then. But it is hard to know which changes are influenced by relinquishment and open adoption, which are due to other aspects of my life, and which are merely the result of growing up.

Not necessarily adoption related but definately Kidlet related is my commitment to my education and career. So many times I’ve felt like giving up, but I have to keep going.  I must keep going, because I want him to be able to be proud of me. I don’t want his birth mom to be the stereotypical loser birth mom. 

On the other hand after placement I started drinking.  So much for not wanting to be the stereotype, but everyone kept tellling me “if you parent you won’t be able to drink or party”.  I didn’t drink or party prior to getting pregnant but since it was such a “good” reason to place I decided to give it try.  I didn’t like the taste of alcohol at first but I kept at it. Maybe I would have developed this trait anyway, I can’t say for sure, but what I can say is that I tried really hard to become a partier because it’s what I was supposed to be.

Adoption has made me indecisive.  I went into OA pretty blind and took what information people gave me at face value.  As I saw it I only had one option.  Now as I learn about open adoption and the other choices I did have but didn’t know about.  I’m learning about the rights I had.  The choices I could have made.  The questions I should have asked.  And it’s too late.  For me, it has turned out alright.  But for so many people I “know” it hasn’t turned out even remotely alright, and I know that without warning it could go from alright to horrid.  And even though I love and trust Kidlet’s parents that scares me.  And I never want to be this powerless again. And I never want to not have options again.

So now I research EVERYTHING to death.  I make sure that I set myself up for as many options as possible.  Case in point.  I am less than a year away from completeing my MSW.  At graduation I will also have a certificate in School Social Work.  I am also applying to PhD programs (and am researching, researching, researching various ones before i finalize the list).  I am also researching social work jobs overseas and across the US.  See when I graduate I want the option to do school social work, I want the option to go on to get my PhD, I want the option to relocate, I want OPTIONS.  And no matter how much research I do into any of these options I’m scared it wont be enough.  I’m scared that when all is said and done I’m going to make the wrong choice. I know I’ll eventually have to choose, but until then I’ll do a bit more research.

Head over to Production Not Reproduction to check out blurbs from and links to other blogs on the OA Roundtable #5 topic

it seems like yesterday…but also a lifetime ago all at the same time.