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My Roommates Understand…Or They Think They Do…

October 11, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Roommates, venting

Today we had a “happy unemployment anniversary” get together for the group of us who got laid off together last fall. It involved drinking, I’m still not yet sober.

After all our friends had left the roomies started talking to me. I’m sure you all know how alcohol brings out emotional conversations (and if you don’t I envy you). Somehow we ened up talking about adoption and its effect on my mood.

Jenasia under the influence of whiskey began in a very understanding way.

It gave me hope.

It made me open up.

It made me share.

And then it reverted to the place every conversation about first mother grief always goes.

“you HAVE to realize that so many others would kill to be in your place”

“you HAVE to be thankful…”

“eventually you have to get over it”

Ok the last one was only implied but the first two were stated clear as day. In the same breath that she validated my feeling she invalidated them. In the same breath that she told me she “got it” she demonstrated that she didn’t.

As i mentioned Im still a little intoxicated so I’m not sure exactly how the conversation began but it wound down to me trying to get the roomies to understand that i need them to not try to make me be social when I am feeling anti-social. That I fake it most of the time and that I don’t have energy to fake it when I come home as well.

That I can put on a smile and go about my day with a sunny disposition but that when I come home I need to be able to acknowledge my crappy mood. That I need to be able to isolate and cry and mope. That I can’t be that fake happy person at home all the time too.

And just when it seemed they got it, i realized they actually didn’t. That even though they understand to a point, when they reach that point they regress to almost complete misunderstanding.

As exhausting as it is I’m going to need to start faking it at home. I’m going to need to not turn of the smile once I walk through the door. Because as much as they say they get it. As much as they try to get it. If I’m sad they will spend all their energy trying to cheer me up. If I feel like isolating they will spend all their energy trying to get me to socialize. So instead of putting them through that I will just go through the motions.

I will be happy, smiley, joyful, and social.

at least on the outside.

And in the mean time I will find another location when I can be me because apparently home isn’t it.

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Therapy Fail

June 9, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, therapy, venting

The fact that I can’t get through a five minute phone call soliciting therapy is probably a pretty good indicator that I NEED therapy. Of course its just one more barrier to me actually getting therapy. Yay for tears at inopportune moments (heavy sarcasm).

Now time to go to bed and ignore the urge to throw up.

Triggered by a Commercial

April 19, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Television, venting

Because Mother’s Day just isn’t hard enough. (heavy sarcasm)

I was taken by surprise while watching tv tonight. I realized I hadn’t eaten today so at a commercial break I started to go into the kitchen to fix myself something. Almost immediately became frozen to the spot where I stood. Adoption had yet to be mentioned outright but it was obvious where it was going.

I stood and watched as the man gave his wife a mothers day card as a way to inform her they’d been matched. And I began to cry. It isn’t 100% the commercial. Its been a hard day, as I said It is already 10 pm and I just now have eaten, so it didn’t take much to bring on the tears.

I should be used to it by now but all I can do is sit here and question. How many more of these can I take? How many more mothers days? How many more nieces and nephews? How many more baby showers?

I question constantly, but I never find any answers.

I’m jealous of almost everyone these days. The adoptive moms who get to create lists of reasons they’re happy to be moms through adoption. My sister who has a husband, a daughter, and a child on the way. My friends who seem to procreating like bunnies. My sons parents. And “normal” 25 year olds who don’t have crying fits as the month of May nears.

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Surrounded yet alone

April 11, 2009 · Filed under Friends, Pets, Roommates, venting

Some friends are camping this weekend and the roommates and I went to kick it around the campfire for a bit tonight. Everything was going great until with the help of a little alcohol I brought up the way in which my cat became an outside cat very shortly after she became my cat.

Since of course I was the one in the wrong I left and on the drive home I called my best friend. I began to tell her the story and she completely missed the point and focused on why anyone in there right mind would be camping this weekend. She then began a long monologue about why she does not camp. (I totally agree with her its too cold to camping and why would you want to anyway but that was not the point)

This triggered a memory in me from last week. I’d been genuinely upset by something admittedly trivial and GeishaGirl laughed at me. Not a laughing with me kind of laugh but a deep full out laughing at me laugh.

And then a memory from earlier today when DirtyRed was skipping every song I enjoyed and blasting country and when I complained I was met with “I don’t care”…well at least she’s honest.

I have no desire to ever talk about anything of consequence to any of those three ever again. I’m just done.

Titles – Just who is a birth mom these days?

April 6, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School, Roommates, Think on it, venting

Birth mom. First mom. Natural mom. Original mom. Real mom. Biological mom. Tummy mom. Each appeals to some while offending others. I personally have come to identify as a birth mom. Not because I’m blind/deaf and don’t see what people type and hear what they say. I have encountered those who use the term in a derogotory way. I have heard and seen the sterotypes. But I have also heard the love in my son’s voice as he tells people I am his birth mom.

I tend to use the conjoined birth/first or first/birth if I’m not sure of the preference of those who I am addressing or use whichever term is prefered by the person I’m speaking (typing) of or to.

I’m sure I’ve said all of this before so why am I rehashing it now? Because of a video. Stay with me it may take a minute to explain the connection.

This quarter I’m taking a course on Chemical Dependancy and in this week’s class we watched a video on FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, which includes Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). The video began with a woman explaining her journey to getting her daughter diagnoised. Under her face as she spoke was label explaining who she was. It said “Birth Mom and FAS Advocate”. I’m not 100% sure of the second part but the first part of the title definately said birth mom.

I first began to wonder why her status as a birth mom mattered. The topic she was speaking on was FAS did it matter that she’d relinquished parental rights? Then I started to understand that she HADN’T relinquished her rights. She was parenting her daughter and always had been. I became even more confused by her label of birth mom. Perhaps she’d relinquished her parental rights to some other child but again why mention it on a video where she’s speaking about FAS and a child she obviously parented.

Then I figure it out. They were not used the term “birth mom” to mean someone who had relinquished their parental rights. they were using it to apply to any of the moms who’d given birth to their children as opposed to the foster and adoptive moms.

Technically this application of the label makes more sense if you just look at the words. Birth mom, a mom who gave birth. Yep makes sense. EXCEPT that the definition of birth mom isn’t a mom who gave birth. Someone decided that a birth mom is a mom who relinquishes her parental rights and over time this is the definition that has been accepted (and sometimes despised).

So here’s my point. If you’re going to give a group of people a label to segregate them (and thats what lables do) then you can’t apply that same label to a different group of people who do not share the defining characteristics.

And by the way this applies to all you people involved in foster care who refer to the parents of foster youth as birth parents. They aren’t birth parents, they haven’t relinquished parental rights or had them terminated.

If one wanted to re-do the labels and apply logic to the situation here’s one way to do it. Birth mom would become exactly what is sounds like. A mom who gave birth regardless of parenting status. Any woman who is a mom would be called a mom. Simple right? First, Foster, Adoptive, Biological, and Step (and any other prefix you can think of) would ONLY be used when necessary to avoid confusion.

But I don’t have that power and obviously logic has no place in this life. So I will continue to be a birth mom because no matter how un- politically correct it is. Any time I hear or see that term now I am transported back to our day at the pool and hear Kidlet’s voice filled with love and pride as he tried to recruit his friends to help him splash me, his birth mom.

**This was originally wittier but when I went to post it I found out the hard way my roommate had disabled the wireless and it was gone by the time I fixed that. (TG can I get that ninja up here please?)**

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Hypocrisy

March 18, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Race, venting

Today I saw a blog about a couple who are in the adoption process. They recently discovered they cannot afford a white baby but are “ok” with Black or Mixed (they said AA but I prefer the term Black so thats what I’m going to use on my blog).

The blog writer expressed anger at a system that prices Black babies differently than White. And yet is still going forward with the agency. Still paying them to provide a baby. Still tacitly approving their practices.

Why can’t PAPs understand that by funding these agencies they are condoning these practices. Why can’t they understand that until they stop funding these agencies NOTHING will change.

Or maybe they do understand. Maybe they just don’t care.

And while I”m venting I also want to point out that being “ok” with a Black or mixed baby because you can’t afford a White one made me throw up a little in my mouth. Perhaps it was poor word choice but seriously?

Oh and for all those PAPs who decide that mixed is the way to go because a Black child would have a harder time adjusting to their location. Guess what! Mixed children are going to have the same problems. Being partially Black is being Black plus another race it’s not being “less” Black.

And as a side note I’m mixed the Critic is full Black and I’m darker than him so if you’re hoping for a mixed baby for a lighter skin tone you may not get your wish.

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AHHHHHHH

March 13, 2009 · Filed under venting

My glasses just broke! Prior to losing my wonderful health coverage I got a new pair of glasses. I splurged and bought the ones with the bling. Because really who doesn’t like to sparkle. Today I took them off to clean the lenses and SNAP right in the middle. GeishaGirl, my roommate, and her Boyfriend were on the receiving end of my initial rant as I blindly rummaged through my bathroom draw for a pair of contact.

I dont wear contacts anymore and thought I”d thrown them all out but thank god I hadn’t. I have one pair of contacts and they are currently being worn. I have one pair of broken glasses. I have no money, a very part time job, and no health insurance of any kind.

And just for the record they are FENDI they aren’t supposed to break!

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Thrown

February 3, 2009 · Filed under dating, family, venting

I was just sitting at my computer. Actually doing what I was supposed to be doing for once. I was transcribing the audio or a focus group. The participants were all teen females so I’m trying to make sure I have all the “like”s and “you know”s in the right spot when all of a sudden a messenger box is blocking my view. And its my most recent ex.

IT guy and I were friends for a long time. Then we dated. It didnt work so we went back to being friends. Then we dated again (way to learn from our mistakes right) So this time not only did it not work but we are no longer friends. I thought we’d find our way back to friendship but he is pretty adamant that “we need time to make sure everything is done” before we go back to friendship.

So here I am almost 6 months later having already come to terms with the rejection and being in the process of mourning the friendship that seems will never resurface. And wham he’s there on my computer screen blocking my transcription.

I’ll admit it my first thought was that he was reaching out that he wanted to work toward having a friendship again. So after answering his questions about unemployment (he joined this miserable laid off club yesterday) I told him I missed talking to him. He told me he missed our conversations too but still believes “we” need time.

So here I am wondering why if all this time is needed did HE initiate the conversation and now I have to return to mourning the friendship. But its like all the work I’d done on this subject previously has been undone.

I just dont get how I’m the emotionally stunted one in this situation.

Some thoughts from my sickbed*

January 30, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Television, Think on it, Thoughts from my sickbed, venting

*Or a post in which I am judgemental and possibly piss a lot of people off

While watching TV I saw a teaser for a news story on “designer children” about a fertility clinic offering couples the chance to choose the gender of their children. It also talked about future possiblities of letting the couples choose hair and eye color and genes that were more likely to produce healthier children. At first I was disgusted but as I began to think about it especially as I watched the full news story I realized its actually not all that different from adoption today.

**Before I go any further I want to make it clear that the following isn’t to generalize ALL adoptive parents/potential adoptive parents or even MOST adoptive parents/potential adoptive parents. However no example is fabricated. Each was seen with my own eyes or heard with my own ears. So somewhere out there in the adoption world these types of people exist. I also know that not ALL agencies allow these types of practices.

Choice about gender:

This seems to be the least controversal choice in the adoption world. It seems that gender choice is an accepted perk of adoption so why all the controversy that a fertility clinic is offering the same service?

I can understand gender preference. It makes sense. I have imagined myself parenting a little girl ever since I was a little girl. I hope my next pregnancy is a girl. DOes that mean if its a boy I wont want him? NO! It just means that I’ll need to pick a different name, because I’m not sure my son could pull off Elizabeth.

So I just don’t understand how you can claim to want to be a parent so badly. Be SO upset by the wait and then end a match or turn down multiple possible matches because of gender.

I’m sorry but once you get picky you loose your ability to complain about wait times and have me take you seriously.

If you admit that your desire to only parent a child of a certain gender is selfish and if you dont’ complain about how long it will take you to get a match I will still disagree with your choice but I’ll have more respect for you.

Choices about appearance:

In adoption it seems people know this one comes off as in bad taste/vain/selfish/ stupid. I”ve mostly seen this less overtly than the gender desires. I’ve recently come across an adoptive mother giving advice to other potential adoptive parents that they should insist on seeing a picture of the expectant parents before agreeing to match. This way they could make sure the baby would “fit” in their family. I’ve seen similar advice as a way to make sure you get a “pretty baby” . Each time I throw up a little in my mouth.

Choices about health:

Again this is one I understand. Everyone hopes their baby is healthy. But it still doesn’t sit well with me when paps who claim to want nothing more than to be a parent turn down matches with even the smallest chance of a health issue. And genetic engineering to produce a baby with healthier genes has me on guard.

Choices about race:

This is not related to the news story but while I”m on the subject lets talk about it shall we.

Race is a hard topic on its own. Combining it with adoption sure doesn’t make it any easier to navigate but I’ll try anyway.

I’m not in favor of only allowing same race placements. I’m also not in favor of allowing people to adopt children of different races just because they checked the box and claim they can handle it.

I know grouping up a minority in this country isn’t easy. I can only imagine what grouping up in the country as a minority and an adoptee is like. So yes if you want to adopt outside your race your homestudy SHOULD take an intensive look at your motivations, your community, your support system, your extended family etc. So I really am sick of reading/hearing people whine about it.

I’m not saying you have to go and find you some minority friends, because lets face it a friendship built on those motivations wont last. What I am saying is take a look around. Are there minorities that live on your block? In your neighborhood? Will your child be the only one of color at his/her school? Will your child be able to see people who look like them in a positive way in your immediate surroundings? Will they hear positive things about people who look like them?

I’m sorry but even if you are wonderful people with the purest of motivations if you live in KKK country with no diversity in sight it is not in the best interest of a minority child to be adopted by you no matter how many “trainings” your agency offers.

Those who want to adopt a black child because the fees are less expensive shoudl be weeded out and while we’re at it lets get rid of those who are open to bi-racial “because mixed babies are so pretty” or choose to adopt from China because “she’ll look just like a porcelain doll”.

All these things especially drive me crazy when they come from someone who also wants adoption to be more like pregnancy as in the wait time should be no more than 9 months. Which doesn’t even make sense because if you take into account the amount of time couples are trying to conceive even a traditional birth from pregnancy can take more than 9 months. But lets just say you’re right and it just takes 9months- You want it to be more like a pregnancy?

Ok so here are your choices. Do you want to be a parent? Yes or No? If the answer is yes you get to parent the first child who becomes available for adoption (in correspondence to where you are on the wait list). Thats it. That is your only choice. No gender choices, no appearance choices, the social worker will determine if you are qualified to parent a child of another race but you dont get to pick the race you think is the “prettiest”.

Oh wait. You don’t like that plan? You want all your choices AND a quicker turn around time? Well tough shit. Adoption isn’t about you. Or at least it shouldn’t be.

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No visit in 2009

December 18, 2008 · Filed under Adoption, Unemployment, venting

This is about the time of year I start to plan visits. I look at what weeks I have off from school and then compare them to the breaks my son has since he’s in year round school. I try to book my travel plans as soon as possible in January based on the assumption that fares will only go up (not always true but I’d rather not risk it). So even though I’ve been laid off and unable to find employment and unable as of yet to convince the government I’m deserving of my unemployment insurance pay out I decided to look.

I didn’t even glance at airline websites this year why bother I already know those are out of the question. I started by checking out how much it would cost me to take the bus cross country. Well its good to know its possible. Of course since it will take more than THREE DAYS to get there and costs more than 400 dollars I will have to rule that out for two reasons. 1- its more than I can currently afford 2- by the time I get there I’d have to turn around and come home.

I then looked at the possiblity of taking the train. Knowing it wouldn’t be any cheaper but hoping it would be quicker I was very disappointed to find out there is no train service between my city and his.

I’m tempted to check airfare but I know its not a possiblity. Unless I land an amazing job SOON it looks like 2009 will not be a visit year.

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