Therapy Is Expensive

it seems like yesterday…but also a lifetime ago all at the same time.

Originally posted the last post over at my non-adoption blog but figured I’d put it here too since I don’t remember having posted pics of Kidlet.  If you’d like the password let me know therapyisexpensive [at] hotmail [dot] com

While I sort through my issues and get to a point where I can publish some of the posts I’ve been writing a recent guest blog submission of mine is up over at Adoption Under One Roof.

When I’m struggling I should be able to come here and write, but for some reason it just isn’t happening today.  I’ve written two posts in the last 2 hours and both times just as I’m poised to click “publish” I scroll up and “save as draft” instead.

Maybe I’m just not ready to let it go yet.  Maybe the pain is well deserved punishment. Maybe….who knows.

In liu of venting and feeling better I guess I’ll just revert to pasting on a fake smile and hoping they buy it, because I have plans in about an hour.

I will be on my way to the airport very soon. I’m flying to southern California for my Great Grandmother’s funeral. I am not sure if i’ll have any access to the internet beyond my phone.

With 2008 now done and over I’ve been reflecting on what was.  I am trying to grasp whatever lessons have been trying to beat themselves into my head over the last 12 months.

The first thing I want to attempt in 09 is to put myself out there more.   I am 25, I should be dating. In order to date I must first leave the house once in awhile and venture beyond the safety of the ever familiar corner bar. I let the first opportunity to do this slip by.

Roommate 1 is a few hours away in Oregon at the moment.  She was visiting her family for the holidays and spent New Years Eve in Portland.  She asked me to drive down New Years Eve.  I said no.  I didn’t want to drive for 3 hours and then spend the entire night with people I don’t know. Of course you have to spend time with people you don’t no in order to meet new people.

That decision, made on the last day of 2008, exemplifies my attitude for the entirety of last year. Not this year.  This year I will put myself out  there.  I will meet people.

Secondly I’ve been in a bit of a depressive episode since mid-September.  The triggering event was losing my job. I’ve been semi-silently struggling with the question, “Who am I if not a Program Manager/Case Manager for a small non-profit working with pregnant and parenting teen and young adults? “  I’ve managed to define myself by single aspects of myself in different situations.  In one area I’m my job (or I was).  Here I’m a birth mom.  With my family I’m the practical reliable middle child.  With my roommates I’m the fun loving yet responsible friend who will always quit drinking to be the sober driver and always knows the location of each other friend in the club (otherwise known as the Mom).

I want to stop compartmentalizing.  I want to just be me in every part of my life.  I’m not really sure how to do that but maybe I’ll figure it out in 2009.

I will rejoin the world of dance. I’ve recently discovered my town has adult drop in ballet classes that will run from Mid-January until the beginning of March. I’ll be there once a week.  After it ends I’ll find some other dance class I can afford.  I’m much happier when I’m dancing in some capacity.  Once I find a job maybe I’ll return to belly dancing who knows.  All I do know is that I must dance.

Maybe I’ll think of some other goals for 09 as we go on, but thats it for now.  Meet people, be me, and dance.

Happy 2009 everyone.

Its Christmas Eve and I’m about to head to my parents house.  I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas.

ADULT LANGUAGE FOLLOWS…dont say I didn’t warn ya.

What kind of Fucktard (told ya so) knows she’s so drunk that she needs to start drinking water NOW and then proceeds to get the smallest glass out of the cabinet.  And of course doesn’t realize she could have gotten a bigger glass until she has gone downstairs 3 times (nearly falling each time) to refill it.

What kind of Fucktard? The same fucktard who was apparently sober enough to sort through saved emails from TWO YEARS AGO to locate a phone number but not sober enough to realize that calling that number was a bad idea.

So what kind of Fucktard did those things? Me.  Thank goodness for voicemail and for being sober enough to NOT leave a message because I’ve heard the drunk voicemails I”ve left for my friends and they are BAD.  Hilarious, but bad.

It all started with an innnocent bubble bath and a book and as I waited for the tub to fill I poured myself a drink.  And then I decided to take the bottle in with me In case I needed a refill.  2 hours later I got out of the bath and felt AMAZING.  I was relaxed, warm, and nicely buzzed.

And then I finished the bottle and got meloncholy which led to tears which tipped me off that I needed water.  And then as a detour to my second or third trip downstairs I sat at my computer and found my son’s father’s email from two years ago with updated contact info. And so I dialed.

And now I’m slightly hung over and Babysister called and wants me to babysit.  Yay for last minute favors.  Babysitting while hung over sounds dangerous but I’m about to do it anyway.

So i decided to join Twitter this morning while waiting for my cul-de-sac to become drivable and quickly learned that NO ONE from my email address books is on that site. Are you?

I wrote a post every day for the entire month of november.  And I will never do it again. It was a good experience I’m glad I didn’t quit.  From now on though I will only post if there is something post worthy going on.

Posting just for the sake of posting is a waste of my writing time and my readers’ reading time.

Oh and as for that extra reason I was thankful this thanksgiving. I am thankful that I’m single.  Weird I know since usually the holidays make me all the more lonely.  This year I spent some time remembering what it was like having to go to several houses all on the same day.  His aunt’s house, his grandmother’s house, his dad and stepmom’s house, my parent’s house.  It was all too much and so this year I was very thankful to only need to be in one place.