September 9, 2009
· Filed under Friends, Think on it, dating, therapy
While having drinks with IT guy last week the discussion turned to how much we’ve learned about ourselves recently and about being happy. I tried to explain how I feel about how he and I and a bunch of others in our circle seem to define happiness.
I tried to explain that we’re very immature in our view of happiness. That its a very black and white view for a world made up of shades of grey. He didn’t get what I was trying to say and I couldn’t really find the words to explain it.
Then this week I was schooled by TG the fabulous. She wrote about choosing happiness and in doing so said in part:
I smile more than I cry.
I laugh daily.
I don’t feel guilty for the good things that I’ve created in my life.
And thats what I was trying to say to IT guy.
That happiness isn’t the absence of real life tough stuff, it’s enjoying the good stuff anyway. I must admit I’m not there at the moment. I’ve been there and then I’ve regressed, but I know I’ll be there agaim. And now that is what I’m reaching for, I’ve given up on seeking that idealized happiness.
I feel I should have grasped this concept sooner, and been able to explain it to IT guy. How many times have I said adoption isn’t all rainbows and butterflies? A lot. So why couldn’t I explain that life isn’t all sunshine either. The rain will come (hell I live in the Pacific NorthWest so a LOT of rain will come) but happiness isn’t the lack of rain, its dancing in the rain, coping with the thunder, and enjoying the sunbreaks.
June 9, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, therapy, venting
The fact that I can’t get through a five minute phone call soliciting therapy is probably a pretty good indicator that I NEED therapy. Of course its just one more barrier to me actually getting therapy. Yay for tears at inopportune moments (heavy sarcasm).
Now time to go to bed and ignore the urge to throw up.
May 28, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Think on it, therapy
Started to write this in the comments over at Writing My Wrongs but as I typed I also thought, and it got long. Too long to leave in the comments section.
In life when there is loss their should be grief. Without grieving or mourning something how do people heal? Well in the world of adoption loss you aren’t allowed to grieve. I think societies refusal to validate our grief can be explained in two parts.
First its not acceptable to grieve for such a “win-win” situation.
When I tried to grieve my sadness was dismissed with sentiments like “But isn’t he with a good family?”, “Doesn’t he have a good life”, “You did the right thing.”. In fact even a counselor who claimed to have both grief and loss and adoption experience uttered these words mere moments into our first (and only) session.
Second grief is supposed to be temporary or at least deminish with time. Adoption Grief isn’t like that.
If a widow still grieves with the same intensity years after her husbands passing I think she tends to get similar disapproval from society because she has failed to, “move on” or “get over it” (sound familiar?).
In my opinion adoption grief lasts for longer than that of other losses because we were never allowed to grieve in the first place AND because with each milestone our child reaches without us we experience a new loss.
So even if society accepted our grief they would still expect us to at some point “get over it”. But even if I come to peace with the initial loss of placing I then I have to be able to grieve the loss of not being there for my son’s first smile. His first step. His first word. His first EVERYTHING… These losses can be felt and grieved when they actually occur or when I witness another child meeting these milestones or both.
Grief and loss professionals need to be educated about both the grief associated with this “win-win” situation as well as the recurring nature of this unique grief.
November 22, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, family, sisters, therapy, venting
I’m torn right now between loyalty to my sisters and loyalty to myself. I know there is a way to reconcile this and be loyal to us all I just haven’t figured it out yet.
Both my sisters are going to become involved in the adoption world. Lets start with SisterFriend since her situation will probably be the easiest for me. She wants to adopt within the next few years. Probably internationally or foster to adopt. But deep down I wonder if she really want to do domestic and doesn’t say it because she thinks I’ll freak out.
I want to help her, I want to support her, but at the same time I want to throw up every time she mentions the A word.
And then there is my newly married BabySister. Her new husband wants to legally adopt her daughter. That is wonderful. My niece has never met her biological father. I won’t go into details to protect my sister and my niece’s privacy. The problem is I’m not sure he’ll consent to the adoption because even though I’ve never met the man everything I know about him shows him to be a very spiteful person.
Our state doesn’t have a putative father registry. Yes I checked and yes I am disappointed in myself. Since she has his contact info I dont think that would have worked anyway. I hate myself for trying to think up ways around his consent. But I’ll also hate myself if I dont try and help.
But maybe thats the problem. Neither of these situations is about me. Maybe this is a sign that its time to end my families co-dependant completely enmeshed existance and let my sisters navigate the adoption waters on their own.
But then is it really fair to watch your sisters enter a situation you have knowledge of (albeit limited knowledge because i’m NOT an expert on international or stepparent adoptions) and not provide them that knowledge?
I don’t know like I said, I’m torn.
