*Or a post in which I am judgemental and possibly piss a lot of people off
While watching TV I saw a teaser for a news story on “designer children” about a fertility clinic offering couples the chance to choose the gender of their children. It also talked about future possiblities of letting the couples choose hair and eye color and genes that were more likely to produce healthier children. At first I was disgusted but as I began to think about it especially as I watched the full news story I realized its actually not all that different from adoption today.
**Before I go any further I want to make it clear that the following isn’t to generalize ALL adoptive parents/potential adoptive parents or even MOST adoptive parents/potential adoptive parents. However no example is fabricated. Each was seen with my own eyes or heard with my own ears. So somewhere out there in the adoption world these types of people exist. I also know that not ALL agencies allow these types of practices.
Choice about gender:
This seems to be the least controversal choice in the adoption world. It seems that gender choice is an accepted perk of adoption so why all the controversy that a fertility clinic is offering the same service?
I can understand gender preference. It makes sense. I have imagined myself parenting a little girl ever since I was a little girl. I hope my next pregnancy is a girl. DOes that mean if its a boy I wont want him? NO! It just means that I’ll need to pick a different name, because I’m not sure my son could pull off Elizabeth.
So I just don’t understand how you can claim to want to be a parent so badly. Be SO upset by the wait and then end a match or turn down multiple possible matches because of gender.
I’m sorry but once you get picky you loose your ability to complain about wait times and have me take you seriously.
If you admit that your desire to only parent a child of a certain gender is selfish and if you dont’ complain about how long it will take you to get a match I will still disagree with your choice but I’ll have more respect for you.
Choices about appearance:
In adoption it seems people know this one comes off as in bad taste/vain/selfish/ stupid. I”ve mostly seen this less overtly than the gender desires. I’ve recently come across an adoptive mother giving advice to other potential adoptive parents that they should insist on seeing a picture of the expectant parents before agreeing to match. This way they could make sure the baby would “fit” in their family. I’ve seen similar advice as a way to make sure you get a “pretty baby” . Each time I throw up a little in my mouth.
Choices about health:
Again this is one I understand. Everyone hopes their baby is healthy. But it still doesn’t sit well with me when paps who claim to want nothing more than to be a parent turn down matches with even the smallest chance of a health issue. And genetic engineering to produce a baby with healthier genes has me on guard.
Choices about race:
This is not related to the news story but while I”m on the subject lets talk about it shall we.
Race is a hard topic on its own. Combining it with adoption sure doesn’t make it any easier to navigate but I’ll try anyway.
I’m not in favor of only allowing same race placements. I’m also not in favor of allowing people to adopt children of different races just because they checked the box and claim they can handle it.
I know grouping up a minority in this country isn’t easy. I can only imagine what grouping up in the country as a minority and an adoptee is like. So yes if you want to adopt outside your race your homestudy SHOULD take an intensive look at your motivations, your community, your support system, your extended family etc. So I really am sick of reading/hearing people whine about it.
I’m not saying you have to go and find you some minority friends, because lets face it a friendship built on those motivations wont last. What I am saying is take a look around. Are there minorities that live on your block? In your neighborhood? Will your child be the only one of color at his/her school? Will your child be able to see people who look like them in a positive way in your immediate surroundings? Will they hear positive things about people who look like them?
I’m sorry but even if you are wonderful people with the purest of motivations if you live in KKK country with no diversity in sight it is not in the best interest of a minority child to be adopted by you no matter how many “trainings” your agency offers.
Those who want to adopt a black child because the fees are less expensive shoudl be weeded out and while we’re at it lets get rid of those who are open to bi-racial “because mixed babies are so pretty” or choose to adopt from China because “she’ll look just like a porcelain doll”.
All these things especially drive me crazy when they come from someone who also wants adoption to be more like pregnancy as in the wait time should be no more than 9 months. Which doesn’t even make sense because if you take into account the amount of time couples are trying to conceive even a traditional birth from pregnancy can take more than 9 months. But lets just say you’re right and it just takes 9months- You want it to be more like a pregnancy?
Ok so here are your choices. Do you want to be a parent? Yes or No? If the answer is yes you get to parent the first child who becomes available for adoption (in correspondence to where you are on the wait list). Thats it. That is your only choice. No gender choices, no appearance choices, the social worker will determine if you are qualified to parent a child of another race but you dont get to pick the race you think is the “prettiest”.
Oh wait. You don’t like that plan? You want all your choices AND a quicker turn around time? Well tough shit. Adoption isn’t about you. Or at least it shouldn’t be.
