April 11, 2009
· Filed under Friends, Pets, Roommates, venting
Some friends are camping this weekend and the roommates and I went to kick it around the campfire for a bit tonight. Everything was going great until with the help of a little alcohol I brought up the way in which my cat became an outside cat very shortly after she became my cat.
Since of course I was the one in the wrong I left and on the drive home I called my best friend. I began to tell her the story and she completely missed the point and focused on why anyone in there right mind would be camping this weekend. She then began a long monologue about why she does not camp. (I totally agree with her its too cold to camping and why would you want to anyway but that was not the point)
This triggered a memory in me from last week. I’d been genuinely upset by something admittedly trivial and GeishaGirl laughed at me. Not a laughing with me kind of laugh but a deep full out laughing at me laugh.
And then a memory from earlier today when DirtyRed was skipping every song I enjoyed and blasting country and when I complained I was met with “I don’t care”…well at least she’s honest.
I have no desire to ever talk about anything of consequence to any of those three ever again. I’m just done.
March 9, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Pets, Roommates, Unemployment, family
I like to think I have a pretty firm handle on my adoption grief. But sometimes it rears its head in unexpected ways.
I got my first pet in December. Yes at the age of 25 I had never before had a pet. When my friends and I moved into a our current house there was a stray cat on the cul-de-sac. A neighbor began feeding her and put out a cat bed and heated blanket. We later found out that the neighbor could not take her in because of severe allergies and so she was looking for someone take this stray.
In December we had our first rediculous snow store of the season and my roommates brought the cat inside. Each of them already has a cat and I suggested the new cat be taken to the vet so as not to pass any illness to their cats. Well after a few days I was talked into becoming the owner of this cat.
I didn’t particularly want a cat. I wanted a dog, or an exotic bird. But I started to fall for this cat. My roommates had taken to calling her Oreo because she’s black and white I re-named her Cookie because I find the term Oreo offensive. I took her to the vet and bought all sorts of cat supplies. I let her sleep in my bed.
And then about 2 weeks into my new pet ownership I got a text while I was at the movies. Apparently Cookie had used the carpet instead of the litter box and my roommate had put her outside. I was beside myself through the whole movie. Worried about cookie, angry that I hadn’t even been consulted, and confused by my very strong reaction.
Turns out two of my adoption fears were triggered in that episode. 1- I had failed as a mother and now I was failing as a pet owner 2-I had no control over the situation.
The control piece came into play recently as well. I’ve been in a funk for a few weeks now, feeling stuck in my life. Its not that my life is awful. I just felt stuck. I think I’ve figure out that while I’m glad I’m in grad school it means that I need to stay put until June 2010. I dont like not having the option of moving. Even more so since my very part time job isn’t even enough to support myself I can’t go away for a weekend or even go out at night with my friends. I feel powerless in my life.
I was never a controling person. I’ve always been a laid back go with the flow type of girl. But apparently not anymore. Of course I can’t prove it’s adoption related. It could just be me changing as I age. But the more I think about it the more I keep coming back to adoption.
Oh and btw my roommate and I are on speaking terms again. Cookie doesn’t really like to be inside but I make her stay in when the weather is bad but I have to keep her in line of sight at all times to make sure she doesn’t pee on the carpet.
December 22, 2008
· Filed under Pets, Roommates, family, sisters
Ok so its not a real syndrome…but it should be.
Mid November BabySister started having some issues with my niece’s daycare. SisterFriend and I started helping out by watching the baby. I was babysitting any week day that I didn’t have my internship assuming that BabySister would get the daycare situation figured out and I could stop spending every free moment with a 3 year old. (Whom I adore but really no one wants to spend EVERY spare minute with their neice).
So once or twice dad asked me what the deal was with daycare and I told him I ddin’t know and suggested he ask my sister. He muttered something about since it was me doing the babysitting I should ask her what the progress was. The second time we had this conversation I snapped. I reminded him about how he always gets mad at me for “picking fights” with my sister and how last time we argued she and I didn’t speak for over 6 months. I also reminded him that the holidays are fast approaching and told him I was not going to be to blame for ruining Christmas so if he wanted to know what was going on he should ask himself.
Overall I was pretty proud of myself for standing up to my dad even if I only stood up to him about my reasons for NOT standing up to my sister.
So since I started babysitting there has been to set days BabySister usually calls at the last minute because well thats who she is. So tonight she called and I had to tell her I wasn’t available tomorrow. I am taking my roommate to work at 10 (if my car will barely make it in the snow hers doesn’t have a chance) and have a vet appointment for Cookie at 1130. I let her know that I could watch my niece from about 1230 or 1 on but that prior to that I wasn’t available.
I’m proud of myself for not just agreeing to take my niece with me on my errands because a three year old at the vet is just not something I can handle especially when my nerves will already be frazzled due to snow driving. But at the same time I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve caused a problem by not being there to solve her lack of babysitting problem. But then again I can’t keep enabling her. At some point she has to get the daycare thing solved. IDK. Its a constant back and forth in my head. Someday I will have to deal with and write about my deep resentment of my sister but until then I’ll just hope someone finds a cure for Middle Child Guilt Syndrome. (i still think that should be in the DSM)
December 22, 2008
· Filed under Pets, PhD program search, Roommates, snowed in
The first snow of the season was on the 13th. Today is the 22nd. That is almost 10 days of snow. That may not seem like a lot if you are reading this from one of those places that is known for its harsh winter but for us that is a LOT of snow.
Usually it snows a little then melts, then snows a little then melts. This is rediculous.
Making matters slightly more annoying is that my roomates both went out of town for what was supposed to just be one night. So I have been snowed in with just the cats for company. I got so stir crazy that last night I walked the mile to my parents house, ate dinner, then walked home.
Roommate 2 finally got home this morning. But not until after I attempted to drive to my internship. I managed to make it off my cul-de-sac and drove about half way to the office before the anxiety got the best of me and I decided to turn around and come home. And promptly got stuck at the entry to the cul-de-sac. As on coming traffic approached. I ended up reversing and then parking at a drug store up the street and walking home. Hopefully they won’t tow my car.
Hopefully the roads will be drivable tomorrow because my new cat as a vet appointment. Yep you read that right I got my first pet at the age of 25. Cookie has been hanging out around our neighbors house at least since September. The neighbor has been feeding her but can’t take her in due to allergies. The roommates have been trying to convince me to take her for awhile but I have protested mostly because I can’t afford to take care of myself right now adding another living being to my care doesn’t seem smart. Well with the snow we have brought Cookie inside and she will be staying. The roommates will help out with expenses til I get a job.
Other snowed in activities have included re-arranging my room and looking into PhD programs. I won’t even be done with MSW until 2010 but since I had nothing else to do I thought I’d just see whats out there. I’m not really sure how one is supposed to choose a program.
Anyone know? Should I find professors whose areas of interest for research match mine and apply there? What if those profs leave the school before I start my disertation? IDK. Maybe next snow day I’ll look into it some more.
