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I Do It To Myself

October 19, 2009 · Filed under Access to OBCs, Adoptee Rights, Adoption, Grad School, Open Records, family, sisters

I am one of three members of WA-CARE (thats Washington Coalition for Adoptee Rights and Equality) who will be meeting with a state legislator next Tuesday. We hope this legislator will sponsor a bill re-instating access for adult adoptees to their original birth certificates.

My MSW Capstone project about First Mother Disenfranchised Grief (delving deeper into my project from last quarter).

My Child Youth and Family Policy Project is about OBC access (delving deeper into what I learned from last winter/spring’s research project and piggybacking on my work with the coalition).

Its my own fault that adoption is surrounding me at the moment. Its like I’m testing myself. How much adoption can I handle before I break?

Also my newest niece has arrived. I had planned on referring to her as Newbaby as she is the daughter of BabySister and the sister of Babykins but after much auntie/niece bonding it has been determined her name is Poppel because of the way that she sleeps in a ball no matter how I try to get her to straighten her legs. So now I will consider going back and changing her nickname is any post I have already mentioned her in…although that seems like a lot of work so maybe I’ll just use the new nickname starting now.

SoldierBoy should be home sometime this week for R&R, BabySister is anxious to see him as is Babykins and I’m sure he’s anxious to see them and meet Poppel as well.

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Open Adoption Roundtable 5: Ch…Ch…Ch…Changes…

August 18, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School, OA RoundTable, PhD program search

Heather has posted our next challenge and let me tell you, it IS a challenge.

How has open adoption changed you? In what ways are you different because the presence of open adoption in your life?

This is a timely topic for me because Kidlet’s birthday had triggered similar thoughts. 8 years have passed since Kidlet was born and it feels like just yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. I have changed a lot since then, in some ways i don’t even recognize the me i was then. But it is hard to know which changes are influenced by relinquishment and open adoption, which are due to other aspects of my life, and which are merely the result of growing up.

Not necessarily adoption related but definately Kidlet related is my commitment to my education and career. So many times I’ve felt like giving up, but I have to keep going. I must keep going, because I want him to be able to be proud of me. I don’t want his birth mom to be the stereotypical loser birth mom.

On the other hand after placement I started drinking. So much for not wanting to be the stereotype, but everyone kept tellling me “if you parent you won’t be able to drink or party”. I didn’t drink or party prior to getting pregnant but since it was such a “good” reason to place I decided to give it try. I didn’t like the taste of alcohol at first but I kept at it. Maybe I would have developed this trait anyway, I can’t say for sure, but what I can say is that I tried really hard to become a partier because it’s what I was supposed to be.

Adoption has made me indecisive. I went into OA pretty blind and took what information people gave me at face value. As I saw it I only had one option. Now as I learn about open adoption and the other choices I did have but didn’t know about. I’m learning about the rights I had. The choices I could have made. The questions I should have asked. And it’s too late. For me, it has turned out alright. But for so many people I “know” it hasn’t turned out even remotely alright, and I know that without warning it could go from alright to horrid. And even though I love and trust Kidlet’s parents that scares me. And I never want to be this powerless again. And I never want to not have options again.

So now I research EVERYTHING to death. I make sure that I set myself up for as many options as possible. Case in point. I am less than a year away from completeing my MSW. At graduation I will also have a certificate in School Social Work. I am also applying to PhD programs (and am researching, researching, researching various ones before i finalize the list). I am also researching social work jobs overseas and across the US. See when I graduate I want the option to do school social work, I want the option to go on to get my PhD, I want the option to relocate, I want OPTIONS. And no matter how much research I do into any of these options I’m scared it wont be enough. I’m scared that when all is said and done I’m going to make the wrong choice. I know I’ll eventually have to choose, but until then I’ll do a bit more research.

Head over to Production Not Reproduction to check out blurbs from and links to other blogs on the OA Roundtable #5 topic

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Bits and Pieces

August 12, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Unemployment, Work, dating

I logged into the adoption forums for the first time in over a month the other day. I read a lot, but couldn’t bring myself to post.

I’ve started several drafts of posts on various subjects. I can’t seem to finish anything.

My son turns 8 on Friday.

I gave a presentation on birth/first parent grief to my cohort of MSW students. I was worried because my professor is an adoptive mom and I don’t know what her view of birth parents is. She made a few faces i cannot interpret while I spoke but overall she seemed receptive. I guess I’ll see if my topic choice was stupid when I get my grade.

I’m socially retarded and emotionally stunted. Started dating “Sinatra” about a month ago. I keep testing him. He keeps passing. So I test him some more. I realized I’m doing it so I am trying to stop. Its hard. My bestie pointed out that unless i want her to be the only person I ever commit to I need to get over my issues. She said it much nicer than that. I’m scared.

I have to give notice at my job friday. It took me 8 months post lay off to find this job and now its down to drop out of school or quit my job. This will be the first time in my adult life I’ve quit a job without having another lined up. This also scares me.

Pregnant people are stalking me.

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Preliminary Data

May 19, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School

I just completed my presentation. In fact I”m still sitting in class right now. Thank you again to those of you who took my survey.

The results weren’t terribly surprising.

Question 1: Did re-opening adoption records cause abortion rates to rise? To answer this question I looked at the abortion rates in states that have re-opened records. I ran a paired samples T-test comparing the rates before re-opening records to the rates after re-opening records. There is no significant difference between abortion rates before re-opening records and those after.

Question 2: Are abortion rates higher in states with Open Adoption Records? To answer this question I compared the open records state’s abortion rates to those who have yet to re-open records. There is no significant difference between the abortion rates in Open Record States and those in sealed record states.

From the data from questions 1 and 2 we can refute the claim that re-opening records will cause abortion rates to soar.

Question 3: Will re-opening records decrease the number of women who relinquish their parental rights? To answer this question I posted a survey and asked first moms (aka natural moms, birth moms, biological moms etc) to help me out by filling it out. 83% of respondants stated that the status of adoption records had NO influence on their decision. 0.00% were heavily or completely influenced by the status of records. Yep thats right absolutely no one who responded was heavily or completely influenced by sealed records. (not shocking but felt the need to reitterate based on how certain people are that opening records would be catastrophic)

70% of respondents were either not informed or only minimally informed about closed record practices. If having closed records is such a selling point why not tell people about them?

I also left space for additional feedback. Not everyone offered it but a fair number did. The feedback gave me insight into questions I SHOULD have asked, or rather seperate research that needs to be done. I obviously couldn’t cover everything. I had a very finite time frame, but oh the research I could do if i had but the time and finances (do I sound like a nerd yet?).

Most of the responses were of the “open records now” variety. Many pointed out that either due to the BSE or Coercion it wasn’t “making an adoption plan” or even their “choice”.

Some took issue with my terminology. I used the term first/birth and I am sorry to have offended anyone however for this research I will continue to use those terms. I will use them together or possibly interchangably. I do this because outside the adoption community the term first mom is not well understood. Whats the point of doing research if those reading it don’t understand it?

Some took issue with my survey. I shouldn’t have asked the abortion questions. I used the rationalization that since those who support closed records lump abortion with adoption I needed to as well. I thought by asking those questions I could prove that there is no link between adoption and abortion. And even though that is what the data shows, how rediculous is it to link two things in order to prove they aren’t linked. The analysis of pre-existing data refuted the abortion claims all on its own. There was no need to ask those questions. I won’t be using that data in my report.

As I said more info will be posted as I write the actual paper. For now I’ll reward myself for finishing my presentation by going home and pouring myself a glass of wine.

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Research Update and Brief Explanation of the Sulking

May 6, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Unemployment, family

I need to say a proper thank you to all the wonderful first/birth/natural moms who took my survey. I began this reserach project scared I wouldn’t have any results to present but that is not the case. I am in your debt. I also need to say a special thank you to FauxClaud and ULB for tweeting about my survey. I don’t exaggerate when I say upon seeing those retweets I got a bit teary. Two women who have never actually met me were sending me some serious love and I was in much need of it.

I haven’t formally began analyzing the data yet but at first glance both the qualitative and quantitative portions seem to be about what I expected. For those who objected to my asking questions about both adoption as well as abortion I say there is a method to my madness. I agree the two are not linked. HOWEVER when those who argue for closed records link them they won’t stop doing so on my word alone.

I plan to get into the numbers and such next week and will post more at that time.

*********

And now the brief explanation of my sulking. I’ll put it in a time line for brevity.

October – Laid Off
December- Momma hospitalized, has blood transfusion
January- Best Friend’s mom has heart attack
February- Great Grandma passes
March- I discover I’m sick beyond my chronic migraines but dont know what exactly is wrong still laid off no health insurance
April- Second expensive visit to a specialist still no answers
May 1st – Grandpa Passes
May – mothers day

I’ve purposefully left out somethings that seemed big at the time but now seem small. Basically it just all caught up with me. There is only so much fake smiles can hide before the tears over take it all.

First/Birth Mom Survey

April 23, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School

Dear First/Birth Moms,

In addition to being a first mom I am also a graduate student at the University of Washington Tacoma. As part of my Social Work Research Methods class I have created a survey to examine the influence open adoption records, specifically access to original birth certificates, has on the likelihood a woman will relinquish her parental rights through domestic infant adoption.

I am asking you to complete the short survey that should take less than five minutes. Your participation is voluntary and you may withdraw at any time by simply closing the survey window.

I will protect the confidentiality of the information you provide by:
a.Not asking for names on the survey
b.Surveys will be processed through a web-based system and I will not be able to trace the results to any one person.
c.Not reporting any individual responses

The survey asks you about how the status of adoption records influenced your relinquishment of parental rights as well as how the change in that status may have influenced you had it been different. If these questions cause you any discomfort or if you’d like to discuss this further support is available from other birth/first moms at http://forums.adoption.com/birthparent-support/357694-birth-mom-survey.html#post33860701

If you have any questions please contact me at cooleykm@u.washington.edu.

Clicking the link to the survey affirms that you have read the above and understand that that your participation is completely voluntary if at anytime you change your mind about participation you may close the survey window and none of your answers will be recorded.

Cordially,

K.M. Cooley aka KatjaMichelle
MSW Student
University of Washington Tacoma

The Link to the survey is
https://catalysttools.washington.edu…cooleykm/71745

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Titles – Just who is a birth mom these days?

April 6, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School, Roommates, Think on it, venting

Birth mom. First mom. Natural mom. Original mom. Real mom. Biological mom. Tummy mom. Each appeals to some while offending others. I personally have come to identify as a birth mom. Not because I’m blind/deaf and don’t see what people type and hear what they say. I have encountered those who use the term in a derogotory way. I have heard and seen the sterotypes. But I have also heard the love in my son’s voice as he tells people I am his birth mom.

I tend to use the conjoined birth/first or first/birth if I’m not sure of the preference of those who I am addressing or use whichever term is prefered by the person I’m speaking (typing) of or to.

I’m sure I’ve said all of this before so why am I rehashing it now? Because of a video. Stay with me it may take a minute to explain the connection.

This quarter I’m taking a course on Chemical Dependancy and in this week’s class we watched a video on FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, which includes Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). The video began with a woman explaining her journey to getting her daughter diagnoised. Under her face as she spoke was label explaining who she was. It said “Birth Mom and FAS Advocate”. I’m not 100% sure of the second part but the first part of the title definately said birth mom.

I first began to wonder why her status as a birth mom mattered. The topic she was speaking on was FAS did it matter that she’d relinquished parental rights? Then I started to understand that she HADN’T relinquished her rights. She was parenting her daughter and always had been. I became even more confused by her label of birth mom. Perhaps she’d relinquished her parental rights to some other child but again why mention it on a video where she’s speaking about FAS and a child she obviously parented.

Then I figure it out. They were not used the term “birth mom” to mean someone who had relinquished their parental rights. they were using it to apply to any of the moms who’d given birth to their children as opposed to the foster and adoptive moms.

Technically this application of the label makes more sense if you just look at the words. Birth mom, a mom who gave birth. Yep makes sense. EXCEPT that the definition of birth mom isn’t a mom who gave birth. Someone decided that a birth mom is a mom who relinquishes her parental rights and over time this is the definition that has been accepted (and sometimes despised).

So here’s my point. If you’re going to give a group of people a label to segregate them (and thats what lables do) then you can’t apply that same label to a different group of people who do not share the defining characteristics.

And by the way this applies to all you people involved in foster care who refer to the parents of foster youth as birth parents. They aren’t birth parents, they haven’t relinquished parental rights or had them terminated.

If one wanted to re-do the labels and apply logic to the situation here’s one way to do it. Birth mom would become exactly what is sounds like. A mom who gave birth regardless of parenting status. Any woman who is a mom would be called a mom. Simple right? First, Foster, Adoptive, Biological, and Step (and any other prefix you can think of) would ONLY be used when necessary to avoid confusion.

But I don’t have that power and obviously logic has no place in this life. So I will continue to be a birth mom because no matter how un- politically correct it is. Any time I hear or see that term now I am transported back to our day at the pool and hear Kidlet’s voice filled with love and pride as he tried to recruit his friends to help him splash me, his birth mom.

**This was originally wittier but when I went to post it I found out the hard way my roommate had disabled the wireless and it was gone by the time I fixed that. (TG can I get that ninja up here please?)**

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The research proposal that won’t die

March 11, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School

A couple months ago I began to really educate myself on adoptee rights. At the same time I began pondering possible research questions for my most recent grad school project. So while staring at the claim that give in adult adoptees back the access to their birth certificates would increase abortion and decrease adoption I wondered why there wasn’t any research to refute this B.S. Soon after I decided to fix that.

So tonight I presented my research proposal which is based on two fabulous (if i do say so myself) research questions: Hο 1: Would opening adoption records, specifically original birth certificates, decrease the likelihood of women relinquishing their parental rights through domestic infant adoption? and Hο 2: Do open adoption records, specifically original birth certificates, increase abortion rates?

(Side note: why did I have to improvise to type out my null hypothesis? They supply the option of the numerals 1-3 in super script but not a zero in subscript. )

Earlier in the quarter I was disappointed to figure out that there was no way to make my study publishable at least not in the time constraints I had to meet for the class project. Well tonight I was informed I may not even be able to complete it for the class project.

Apparently the questions I’ve concocted to address Hο 1 have the remotest chance of being triggering which means in order to ethically ask them I have to supply counseling…just in case. Since this is obviously a class project and not a funded study I have no way to pay for counseling to be available. Not to mention there aren’t really any counselors that are competent in working with birth/first parents.

I suggested that since it will be an online survey that I create a thread at a.com under birth parent support and that anyone triggered could discuss it there and work through it with the help of other birth/first parents. No go. And this from a prof whose specialty is online counseling.

I gave in and suggest I only do Hο 2 since it only deal with examining date that has already been compiled and would not run the risk of me triggering anyone. This also did not please the professor. Oh and did I mention he’d like me to re-visit the possibility of making it publishable. I only have 12 weeks from today to complete it! yeah right.

So here I am mourning the buzz that is almost all worn off and contemplating a reserach project I thought I had in the bag. Spring break technically started 3 hours and 24 minutes ago. Maybe I’ll go to bed and not think about it until next quarter starts…

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Yet another adoption scar

March 9, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Pets, Roommates, Unemployment, family

I like to think I have a pretty firm handle on my adoption grief. But sometimes it rears its head in unexpected ways.

I got my first pet in December. Yes at the age of 25 I had never before had a pet. When my friends and I moved into a our current house there was a stray cat on the cul-de-sac. A neighbor began feeding her and put out a cat bed and heated blanket. We later found out that the neighbor could not take her in because of severe allergies and so she was looking for someone take this stray.

In December we had our first rediculous snow store of the season and my roommates brought the cat inside. Each of them already has a cat and I suggested the new cat be taken to the vet so as not to pass any illness to their cats. Well after a few days I was talked into becoming the owner of this cat.

I didn’t particularly want a cat. I wanted a dog, or an exotic bird. But I started to fall for this cat. My roommates had taken to calling her Oreo because she’s black and white I re-named her Cookie because I find the term Oreo offensive. I took her to the vet and bought all sorts of cat supplies. I let her sleep in my bed.

And then about 2 weeks into my new pet ownership I got a text while I was at the movies. Apparently Cookie had used the carpet instead of the litter box and my roommate had put her outside. I was beside myself through the whole movie. Worried about cookie, angry that I hadn’t even been consulted, and confused by my very strong reaction.

Turns out two of my adoption fears were triggered in that episode. 1- I had failed as a mother and now I was failing as a pet owner 2-I had no control over the situation.

The control piece came into play recently as well. I’ve been in a funk for a few weeks now, feeling stuck in my life. Its not that my life is awful. I just felt stuck. I think I’ve figure out that while I’m glad I’m in grad school it means that I need to stay put until June 2010. I dont like not having the option of moving. Even more so since my very part time job isn’t even enough to support myself I can’t go away for a weekend or even go out at night with my friends. I feel powerless in my life.

I was never a controling person. I’ve always been a laid back go with the flow type of girl. But apparently not anymore. Of course I can’t prove it’s adoption related. It could just be me changing as I age. But the more I think about it the more I keep coming back to adoption.

Oh and btw my roommate and I are on speaking terms again. Cookie doesn’t really like to be inside but I make her stay in when the weather is bad but I have to keep her in line of sight at all times to make sure she doesn’t pee on the carpet.

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Nothing but time to think

January 28, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School, PhD program search

When you have an extreamly long migraine episode (14 ish days i lost count there toward the end) followed by a natsy cold it give you al ot of time to think.

I had time to com up with a research question for class. It explores the Unsealed Initiative and will (hopefully) disprove those opponent who claim that unsealing records will cause women to terminate their pregnancies rather than relinquish their parental rights. It won’t be publishable for a myriad of reasons but it will work fo rthe class assignment and if I dont get into a PhD program just because I’m not published well then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

My illnesses kept me out of my internship for a week but I made it through class and managed to find and skim some research for my project. Haven’t actually started writting any of the Lit Review but hey finding the reserach is the hard part…right?

And of course I had a bunch of time to just think and of course those thoughts turned to adoption. I thought about domestic infant adoption, transracial adoption, open adoption (specifically the one i’m involved in but also OA in general). I have several posts in the drafts folder but I need to finish transcribing the audio from a focus group for my internship and I’ve only done 3 minutes of the 30 minute audio.

Therapy Is Expensive