Archive for Friends

He knows…but he doesn’t know

November 9, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, dating

This weekend I had a first date with Mohawk.  On the surface he doesn’t seem like my type AT ALL but we will definately be seeing eachother again and so far I kinda like him. 

So why am I bringing my data drama here from the other blog? Because he asked if I had kids.  And I said, “yes I have a son but he lives in [faraway state].” But I didn’t say anything about adoption.

And then he asked if I see him and I said, “I see him as often as I can which obviously isn’t often enough and thank god for internet and telephones” But I didn’t mention adoption.

I never lied, but I left out a rather important detail. Or did I? Does it matter that I didn’t tell him about the adoption? I figured there would be more questions and that we’d get to the adoption stuff, but he just said he was glad I kept in touch and then changed the subject.

I have drinks with IT-Guy tonight maybe I’ll get his take on this too.

Comments (1) »

I Used To Be Able To Sleep

November 2, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Roommates

I used to be a heavy sleeper.  I slept through alarm clocks, through storms, through earthquakes. Momma took pride that when I was little she could vacuum under my bed while I slept and I wouldn’t even budge. 

But after I gave birth that changed.  I became a super light sleeper.  The day I got home from the hospital the slightest noise would wake me and I would think I had heard my baby cry.  Made even more ridiculous because I knew he was 3000 miles away. 

Its been over 8 years and still I am woken by the slightest noise.

I have roommates.  If I fall asleep at 11 and then roommate 1 comes home at 11:15 I am awake and alert at the sound of the front door opening even if she’s trying to be quiet.  If I manage to fall back asleep by 11:45 and roommate 2 uses the bathroom at midnight I am then awake and alert for at least another half hour.  If one of the boyfriends spent the night and leaves the house at 5am so he can get to work on time I too am up and awake at 5 am. 

I miss being able to sleep.

Leave a comment »

My Roommates Understand…Or They Think They Do…

October 11, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Roommates, venting

Today we had a “happy unemployment anniversary” get together for the group of us who got laid off together last fall. It involved drinking, I’m still not yet sober.

After all our friends had left the roomies started talking to me.  I’m sure you all know how alcohol brings out emotional conversations (and if you don’t I envy you).  Somehow we ened up talking about adoption and its effect on my mood.

Jenasia under the influence of whiskey began in a very understanding way.

It gave me hope.

It made me open up.

It made me share.

And then it reverted to the place every conversation about first mother grief always goes.

“you HAVE to realize that so many others would kill to be in your place”

“you HAVE to be thankful…”

“eventually you have to get over it”

Ok the last one was only implied but the first two were stated clear as day. In the same breath that she validated my feeling she invalidated them.  In the same breath that she told me she “got it” she demonstrated that she didn’t.

As i mentioned Im still a little intoxicated so I’m not sure exactly how the conversation began but it wound down to me trying to get the roomies to understand that i need them to not try to make me be social when I am feeling anti-social.  That I fake it most of the time and that I don’t have energy to fake it when I come home as well. 

That I can put on a smile and go about my day with a sunny disposition but that when I come home I need to be able to acknowledge my crappy mood.  That I need to be able to isolate and cry and mope.  That I can’t be that fake happy person at home all the time too.

And just when it seemed they got it, i realized they actually didn’t.  That even though they understand to a point, when they reach that point they regress to almost complete misunderstanding. 

As exhausting as it is I’m going to need to start faking it at home.  I’m going to need to not turn of the smile once I walk through the door.  Because as much as they say they get it. As much as they try to get it.  If I’m sad they will spend all their energy trying to cheer me up.  If I feel like isolating they will spend all their energy trying to get me to socialize. So instead of putting them through that I will just go through the motions.

I will be happy, smiley,  joyful, and social.

at least on the outside.

And in the mean time I will find another location when I can be me because apparently home isn’t it.

Comments (2) »

Defining Happiness

September 9, 2009 · Filed under Friends, Think on it, dating, therapy

While having drinks with IT guy last week the discussion turned to how much we’ve learned about ourselves recently and about being happy.  I tried to explain how I feel about how he and I and a bunch of others in our circle seem to define happiness.  

I tried to explain that we’re very immature in our view of happiness. That its a very black and white view for a world made up of shades of grey.  He didn’t get what I was trying to say and I couldn’t really find the words to explain it.

Then this week I was schooled by TG the fabulous.  She wrote about choosing happiness and in doing so said in part:

  • I smile more than I cry.
  • I laugh daily.
  • I don’t feel guilty for the good things that I’ve created in my life.

    • And thats what I was trying to say to IT guy.  

    That happiness isn’t the absence of real life tough stuff, it’s enjoying the good stuff anyway.  I must admit I’m not there at the moment.  I’ve been there and then I’ve regressed, but I know I’ll be there agaim. And now that is what I’m reaching for, I’ve given up on seeking that idealized happiness.

    I feel I should have grasped this concept sooner, and been able to explain it to IT guy. How many times have I said adoption isn’t all rainbows and butterflies?  A lot.  So why couldn’t I explain that life isn’t all sunshine either.  The rain will come (hell I live in the Pacific NorthWest so a LOT of rain will come) but happiness isn’t the lack of rain, its dancing in the rain, coping with the thunder, and enjoying the sunbreaks.

    Comments (3) »

    Bits and Pieces

    August 12, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Unemployment, Work, dating

    I logged into the adoption forums for the first time in over a month the other day.  I read a lot, but couldn’t bring myself to post. 

    I’ve started several drafts of posts on various subjects.  I can’t seem to finish anything.

    My son turns 8 on Friday.

    I gave a presentation on birth/first parent grief to my cohort of MSW students.  I was worried because my professor is an adoptive mom and I don’t know what her view of birth parents is.  She made a few faces i cannot interpret while I spoke but overall she seemed receptive.  I guess I’ll see if my topic choice was stupid when I get my grade.

    I’m socially retarded and emotionally stunted.  Started dating “Sinatra” about a month ago.  I keep testing him.  He keeps passing.  So I test him some more.  I realized I’m doing it so I am trying to stop.  Its hard.  My bestie pointed out that unless i want her to be the only person I ever commit to I need to get over my issues.  She said it much nicer than that.  I’m scared.

    I have to give notice at my job friday.  It took me 8 months post lay off to find this job and now its down to drop out of school or quit my job.  This will be the first time in my adult life I’ve quit a job without having another lined up. This also scares me.

    Pregnant people are stalking me.

    Comments (7) »

    Roundtable Redo

    June 15, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, OA RoundTable

    So I made an attempt to address the first OA Roundtable prompt (an admittedly lame attempt but an attempt all the same).  I consider my last attempt lame because I couldn’t come up with an answer. Seven years into OA and I couldn’t answer:

    What do you know now that you wish you knew then? Has the reality of open adoption as it’s looked in your life matched your expectations? What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could?

    I started writing with an idea in mind but by the time I got to the end all I had in me was an, “I don’t know.”  Well thanks to last night I now do know.  So here I am flouting all the rules (are there rules?)and taking a second shot at this topic.

    I have a three year old niece.  Yesterday was an auntie/niece day.  We built “houses” with duplos, played dress up, blew lots of bubbles, and watched the same dvd 3 times.  Not once did I mention my son.  Don’t get me wrong, she knows about her cousin.  There are pictures at my house, at her house, and at my parent’s house.  She knows his name and that he’s her cousin and she knows he doesn’t live with me.  Although now that I think about it we’ve never explained WHY he doesn’t live with me she just knows that at aunt Katja’s house there are two cats inside, one cat outside, aunt kat, and two roommates. 

    So anyway after spending time I went to my parents house and after a few minutes my BabySister, SoliderBoy and Babykins showed up there as well.  And they brought with them a story.  Apparently on the way to my parents house Babykins has shared with her parents the following story:

    “My cousin, Kidlet, and I played over there momma.  We rolled down that hill and then we cried because we were stuck.”

    After BabySister retold this to us well looked at Babykins and she confirmed it by emphatically insisting she and Kidlet had rolled down the hill.

    She also requested a visit with her cousin.

    So what does this have to do with the roundtable question?  If I could go back in time and tell my 17 year old self anything about Open Adoption I would explain the ramifications not on myself but on those around me.  I would remind myself that the child I was carrying was not only my son, he is also my parent’s grandson, my sister’s nephew, my future neices’ cousin, and my future children’s brother. 

    I would tell myself that these other relationships are important and need to be respected.  I would advise myself to request J&M to come to the Northwest prior to my due date to meet my family.  I would ask my family to be involved in my communications with them.   

    As it is the parents only met J&M once each and my sisters never met them.  And it was while I was recovering from a not so awesome c-section.  They did not make the best impression (IMO I’m not sure what J&M think)  as neither knew what to make of the situation or if they could trust J&M to follow through on the openness. 

    So no, meine Nichte, you can’t go visit Kidlet.  At least not at the moment.  I’m sorry I didn’t lay the groundwork for this to be possible.  Someday I hope you will get your visit with your cousin and maybe you’ll even get to roll down that hill together.

    Comments (1) »

    Happy(?) Birthmothers Day

    May 9, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Roommates, family

    Today, the day before mother’s day, is Birthmother’s Day.  Last year (I think) I wrote about the day, but I’m too lazy to find that post so I will summarize my feelings about it. 

    I do not feel Birthmothers Day is a celebratory day.  Mothers Day is the day I celebrate my motherhood.  Birthmothers day is akin to Memorial Day. Its a day to remember what has been lost (as if any of us needed a specific day to do that). 

    I hope that for me Birthmothers Day will be the day I mourn and cry if I need to so that I don’t pout and cry and ruin the mother’s day celebration for my mother and sister. Its a reflective day and for me its a personal and private day. 

    So imagine my surprise this morning when I found a card on my bathroom shelf.  It was obviously from the roommates.  They’ve given my mothers day cards the last two years not only recognize my motherhood to my son but also noting how I “mother” them.  I thought it was a mother’s day card until I read the envelope.  It said “to be opened on Saturday”. 

    I read that and didn’t even need to open it I knew.  I knew that somehow they now knew about birthmothers day.  I knew that I could say goodbye to the only mothers day card I receive each year.

    I try to respond to peoples words and actions based on their intent so I shouldn’t be upset right now.  But I’m near tears as I write this and I’m so very glad the roomates aren’t home this weekend.  I’m not sure I can fake the kind of appreciation they’d expect and deserve.  I genuinely have been over joyed by the mother’s day cards they’ve given me the last two years but I can’t seem to get past meloncholy for this card.

    I know they gave this out of love and it is with love that I should receive it.  I am touched they acknowledge me at all after all they don’t have to. I’m not their mother. 

    So today I’ll cry and be meloncholy.  Tomorrow I’ll work then celebrate the motherhood of my sister and mother (and myself silently).  And when the roommates return home I will thank them and great them with the biggest smile I can muster. The thanks will be genuine the smile…well I’m working on that.

    Leave a comment »

    Research Update and Brief Explanation of the Sulking

    May 6, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Unemployment, family

    I need to say a proper thank you to all the wonderful first/birth/natural moms who took my survey.  I began this reserach project scared I wouldn’t have any results to present but that is not the case. I am in your debt. I also need to say a special thank you to FauxClaud and ULB  for tweeting about my survey.  I don’t exaggerate when I say upon seeing those retweets I got a bit teary.  Two women who have never actually met me were sending me some serious love and I was in much need of it.

    I haven’t formally began analyzing the data yet but at first glance both the qualitative and quantitative portions seem to be about what I expected.  For those who objected to my asking questions about both adoption as well as abortion I say there is a method to my madness.  I agree the two are not linked.  HOWEVER when those who argue for closed records link them they won’t stop doing so on my word alone. 

    I plan to get into the numbers and such next week and will post more at that time.

    *********

    And now the brief explanation of my sulking.  I’ll put it in a time line for brevity.

    • October – Laid Off
    • December- Momma hospitalized, has blood transfusion
    • January- Best Friend’s mom has heart attack
    • February- Great Grandma passes
    • March- I discover I’m sick beyond my chronic migraines but dont know what exactly is wrong still laid off no health insurance
    • April- Second expensive visit to a specialist still no answers
    • May 1st – Grandpa Passes
    • May – mothers day

    I’ve purposefully left out somethings that seemed big at the time but now seem small.  Basically it just all caught up with me.  There is only so much fake smiles can hide before the tears over take it all.

    Leave a comment »

    Surrounded yet alone

    April 11, 2009 · Filed under Friends, Pets, Roommates, venting

    Some friends are camping this weekend and the roommates and I went to kick it around the campfire for a bit tonight.  Everything was going great until with the help of a little alcohol I brought up the way in which my cat became an outside cat very shortly after she became my cat. 

    Since of course I was the one in the wrong I left and on the drive home I called my best friend.  I began to tell her the story and she completely missed the point and focused on why anyone in there right mind would be camping this weekend.  She then began a long monologue about why she does not camp.  (I totally agree with her its too cold to camping and why would you want to anyway but that was not the point)

    This triggered a memory in me from last week.  I’d been genuinely upset by something admittedly trivial and GeishaGirl laughed at me.  Not a laughing with me kind of laugh but a deep full out laughing at me laugh.

    And then a memory from earlier today when DirtyRed was skipping every song I enjoyed and blasting country and when I complained I was met with “I don’t care”…well at least she’s honest.

    I have no desire to ever talk about anything of consequence to any of those three ever again.  I’m just done.

    Leave a comment »

    Titles – Just who is a birth mom these days?

    April 6, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School, Roommates, Think on it, venting

    Birth mom.  First mom.  Natural mom.  Original mom.  Real mom.  Biological mom.  Tummy mom.  Each appeals to some while offending others.  I personally have come to identify as a birth mom.  Not because I’m blind/deaf and don’t see what people type and hear what they say.  I have encountered those who use the term in a derogotory way.  I have heard and seen the sterotypes.  But I have also heard the love in my son’s voice as he tells people I am his birth mom. 

    I tend to use the conjoined birth/first or first/birth if I’m not sure of the preference of those who I am addressing or use whichever term is prefered by the person I’m speaking (typing) of or to.

    I’m sure I’ve said all of this before so why am I rehashing it now? Because of a video.  Stay with me it may take a minute to explain the connection. 

    This quarter I’m taking a course on Chemical Dependancy and in this week’s class we watched a video on FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, which includes Fetal Alcohol Syndrome).  The video began with a woman explaining her journey to getting her daughter diagnoised.  Under her face as she spoke was label explaining who she was.  It said “Birth Mom and FAS Advocate”.  I’m not 100% sure of the second part but the first part of the title definately said birth mom. 

    I first began to wonder why her status as a birth mom mattered.  The topic she was speaking on was FAS did it matter that she’d relinquished parental rights?  Then I started to understand that she HADN’T relinquished her rights.  She was parenting her daughter and always had been. I became even more confused by her label of birth mom.  Perhaps she’d relinquished her parental rights to some other child but again why mention it on a video where she’s speaking about FAS and a child she obviously parented. 

    Then I figure it out.  They were not used the term “birth mom” to mean someone who had relinquished their parental rights.  they were using it to apply to any of the moms who’d given birth to their children as opposed to the foster and adoptive moms. 

    Technically this application of the label makes more sense if you just look at the words.  Birth mom, a mom who gave birth.  Yep makes sense. EXCEPT that the definition of birth mom isn’t a mom who gave birth.  Someone decided that a birth mom is a mom who relinquishes her parental rights and over time this is the definition that has been accepted (and sometimes despised).

    So here’s my point.  If you’re going to give a group of people a label to segregate them (and thats what lables do) then you can’t apply that same label to a different group of people who do not share the defining characteristics.

    And by the way this applies to all you people involved in foster care who refer to the parents of foster youth as birth parents.  They aren’t birth parents, they haven’t relinquished parental rights or had them terminated.

    If one wanted to re-do the labels and apply logic to the situation here’s one way to do it.  Birth mom would become exactly what is sounds like.  A mom who gave birth regardless of parenting status.  Any woman who is a mom would be called a mom.  Simple right? First, Foster, Adoptive, Biological, and Step (and any other prefix you can think of) would ONLY be used when necessary to avoid confusion.

    But I don’t have that power and obviously logic has no place in this life.  So I will continue to be a birth mom because no matter how un- politically correct it is.  Any time I hear or see that term now I am transported back to our day at the pool and hear Kidlet’s voice filled with love and pride as he tried to recruit his friends to help him splash me, his birth mom.

    **This was originally wittier but when I went to post it I found out the hard way my roommate had disabled the wireless and it was gone by the time I fixed that. (TG can I get that ninja up here please?)**

    Comments (8) »

    « Previous entries
    Next Page »