November 4, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, OA RoundTable, family
I’ve missed/avoided/ignored the last two OAR writing prompts for various reasons but am jumping back into the discussion with with this one. Heather posted it today and I’ve been thinking about it every since reading it from my phone while I’m sure I was supposed to be doing something productive today.
This round we’re going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard–or perhaps even made–statements like these?
“We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them.”
“The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.”
“Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood.”
I’ll start with the medical history. Its wonderful that you have medical history from the time your child was born, it wasn’t too long ago that even that wasn’t available. However, medical history is not static. Its in part the label “history” that reinforces the belief that medical information need only be collected once. I’ll use my own story as an example.
I gave birth at 18 and filled in the medical “history” form completely however at that time I was fairly healthy as was my family. Hell at that time I had all 4 grandparents and 2 great grandmothers alive and well. In the last 8 years a lot has changed.
- My occasional migraines have become more chronic and more intense which has sent my doctors searching for additional underlying causes/conditions.
- One of my great grandmothers has become ill and passed some of her illnesses may be hereditary
- My paternal grandfather also passed this year and also suffered from some illnesses that may be hereditary
- My mother has developed high blood pressure and diabetes
- My mother became ill last winter and had to undergo blood transfusions and major surgery
- My father is currently suffereing from joint issues
- I have either a papilledema or pseudopapilledema
- I went from have no known allergies to discovering I’m allergic to a very common medication
- As we speak I am awaiting test results from todays doctors visit unrelated to any of the above
So, yes, having that piece of paper I filled out 8 years ago would be better than nothing but only barely. In an open adoption I can shoot my son’s parents an email and say, “FYI momma was diagnoised as diabetic today just wanted to let you know so you can update [Kidlet]’s medical history”
Next lets look at leaving the decision to have a relationship with family until the child is an adult. Is there any other family member that should be ignored and then when the child reaches 18 they can choose whether or not to contact them? Again I’ll use my family as an example. BabySister and I have never been and probably will never be the best of friends. I don’t agree with her parenting style (nothing abusive or neglectful just different from how I’d do things) I don’t agree with her priorities. I don’t agree with her values. If we weren’t related we would probably not interact on any level.
And yet, she is my sister. We are related. Should I ignore that and when my children reach the age of 18 tell them, “Oh, by the way you have an aunt I didn’t want to force that connection on you but now that you’re adults you can contact her if you want”
All in all adults are uncomfortable with open adoption because its a foreign concept and if we raise our children to view it as an unusual occurance they will be uncomfortable with it as well. If we raise them to know that differences in families are normal, that they have extended familyconnects that their friends may not, they can grow up embracing all of who they are.
October 19, 2009
· Filed under Access to OBCs, Adoptee Rights, Adoption, Grad School, Open Records, family, sisters
I am one of three members of WA-CARE (thats Washington Coalition for Adoptee Rights and Equality) who will be meeting with a state legislator next Tuesday. We hope this legislator will sponsor a bill re-instating access for adult adoptees to their original birth certificates.
My MSW Capstone project about First Mother Disenfranchised Grief (delving deeper into my project from last quarter).
My Child Youth and Family Policy Project is about OBC access (delving deeper into what I learned from last winter/spring’s research project and piggybacking on my work with the coalition).
Its my own fault that adoption is surrounding me at the moment. Its like I’m testing myself. How much adoption can I handle before I break?
Also my newest niece has arrived. I had planned on referring to her as Newbaby as she is the daughter of BabySister and the sister of Babykins but after much auntie/niece bonding it has been determined her name is Poppel because of the way that she sleeps in a ball no matter how I try to get her to straighten her legs. So now I will consider going back and changing her nickname is any post I have already mentioned her in…although that seems like a lot of work so maybe I’ll just use the new nickname starting now.
SoldierBoy should be home sometime this week for R&R, BabySister is anxious to see him as is Babykins and I’m sure he’s anxious to see them and meet Poppel as well.
May 9, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, Roommates, family
Today, the day before mother’s day, is Birthmother’s Day. Last year (I think) I wrote about the day, but I’m too lazy to find that post so I will summarize my feelings about it.
I do not feel Birthmothers Day is a celebratory day. Mothers Day is the day I celebrate my motherhood. Birthmothers day is akin to Memorial Day. Its a day to remember what has been lost (as if any of us needed a specific day to do that).
I hope that for me Birthmothers Day will be the day I mourn and cry if I need to so that I don’t pout and cry and ruin the mother’s day celebration for my mother and sister. Its a reflective day and for me its a personal and private day.
So imagine my surprise this morning when I found a card on my bathroom shelf. It was obviously from the roommates. They’ve given my mothers day cards the last two years not only recognize my motherhood to my son but also noting how I “mother” them. I thought it was a mother’s day card until I read the envelope. It said “to be opened on Saturday”.
I read that and didn’t even need to open it I knew. I knew that somehow they now knew about birthmothers day. I knew that I could say goodbye to the only mothers day card I receive each year.
I try to respond to peoples words and actions based on their intent so I shouldn’t be upset right now. But I’m near tears as I write this and I’m so very glad the roomates aren’t home this weekend. I’m not sure I can fake the kind of appreciation they’d expect and deserve. I genuinely have been over joyed by the mother’s day cards they’ve given me the last two years but I can’t seem to get past meloncholy for this card.
I know they gave this out of love and it is with love that I should receive it. I am touched they acknowledge me at all after all they don’t have to. I’m not their mother.
So today I’ll cry and be meloncholy. Tomorrow I’ll work then celebrate the motherhood of my sister and mother (and myself silently). And when the roommates return home I will thank them and great them with the biggest smile I can muster. The thanks will be genuine the smile…well I’m working on that.
May 6, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Unemployment, family
I need to say a proper thank you to all the wonderful first/birth/natural moms who took my survey. I began this reserach project scared I wouldn’t have any results to present but that is not the case. I am in your debt. I also need to say a special thank you to FauxClaud and ULB for tweeting about my survey. I don’t exaggerate when I say upon seeing those retweets I got a bit teary. Two women who have never actually met me were sending me some serious love and I was in much need of it.
I haven’t formally began analyzing the data yet but at first glance both the qualitative and quantitative portions seem to be about what I expected. For those who objected to my asking questions about both adoption as well as abortion I say there is a method to my madness. I agree the two are not linked. HOWEVER when those who argue for closed records link them they won’t stop doing so on my word alone.
I plan to get into the numbers and such next week and will post more at that time.
*********
And now the brief explanation of my sulking. I’ll put it in a time line for brevity.
- October – Laid Off
- December- Momma hospitalized, has blood transfusion
- January- Best Friend’s mom has heart attack
- February- Great Grandma passes
- March- I discover I’m sick beyond my chronic migraines but dont know what exactly is wrong still laid off no health insurance
- April- Second expensive visit to a specialist still no answers
- May 1st – Grandpa Passes
- May – mothers day
I’ve purposefully left out somethings that seemed big at the time but now seem small. Basically it just all caught up with me. There is only so much fake smiles can hide before the tears over take it all.
March 9, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Pets, Roommates, Unemployment, family
I like to think I have a pretty firm handle on my adoption grief. But sometimes it rears its head in unexpected ways.
I got my first pet in December. Yes at the age of 25 I had never before had a pet. When my friends and I moved into a our current house there was a stray cat on the cul-de-sac. A neighbor began feeding her and put out a cat bed and heated blanket. We later found out that the neighbor could not take her in because of severe allergies and so she was looking for someone take this stray.
In December we had our first rediculous snow store of the season and my roommates brought the cat inside. Each of them already has a cat and I suggested the new cat be taken to the vet so as not to pass any illness to their cats. Well after a few days I was talked into becoming the owner of this cat.
I didn’t particularly want a cat. I wanted a dog, or an exotic bird. But I started to fall for this cat. My roommates had taken to calling her Oreo because she’s black and white I re-named her Cookie because I find the term Oreo offensive. I took her to the vet and bought all sorts of cat supplies. I let her sleep in my bed.
And then about 2 weeks into my new pet ownership I got a text while I was at the movies. Apparently Cookie had used the carpet instead of the litter box and my roommate had put her outside. I was beside myself through the whole movie. Worried about cookie, angry that I hadn’t even been consulted, and confused by my very strong reaction.
Turns out two of my adoption fears were triggered in that episode. 1- I had failed as a mother and now I was failing as a pet owner 2-I had no control over the situation.
The control piece came into play recently as well. I’ve been in a funk for a few weeks now, feeling stuck in my life. Its not that my life is awful. I just felt stuck. I think I’ve figure out that while I’m glad I’m in grad school it means that I need to stay put until June 2010. I dont like not having the option of moving. Even more so since my very part time job isn’t even enough to support myself I can’t go away for a weekend or even go out at night with my friends. I feel powerless in my life.
I was never a controling person. I’ve always been a laid back go with the flow type of girl. But apparently not anymore. Of course I can’t prove it’s adoption related. It could just be me changing as I age. But the more I think about it the more I keep coming back to adoption.
Oh and btw my roommate and I are on speaking terms again. Cookie doesn’t really like to be inside but I make her stay in when the weather is bad but I have to keep her in line of sight at all times to make sure she doesn’t pee on the carpet.
March 5, 2009
· Filed under family
Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. The funeral went as well as a funeral can go and I am not back in the land of rain. The only positive I can think of is that although I left the sun behind I can now access the internet on a real computer instead of trying to read blogs on my phone.
Yes I am that addicted that I actually sat in my great grandmother’s house (well I guess it’s my aunts house now) and read your blogs via my phone. I now have tons of homework to work on but instead I’m going to try to remember all the comments I wanted to make while I was away…I know I jotted them down somewhere…
February 18, 2009
· Filed under family
Today my great grandmother passed. We weren’t super close. I’m not super close with any of my extended family. One of the hazards of not living near them (and on a seperate contintent for awhile) I guess.
I spent the day at a training for my new job. I was distracted because my best friend’s mom was in surgery today. Heart surgery. It went well. I rejoiced. And then the news.
I’m in tears. No one thinks its appropriate for me to be crying. “she lived a long life”, “wait when was the last time you saw her?” “you’re taking this harder than I would have expected” are the responses to my tears.
In addition to being my great grandmother she is my son’s great great grandmother. Whom he never met and now never will. They shared a birthday 87 years apart.
I dont know what to say I dont know what to do I really just want to throw up.
February 4, 2009
· Filed under Movies, Unemployment, Work, family
For christmas I asked for gift cards to grocery stores and gas stations. Boring I know but its what I need. Instead I got gift cards to the movie theater.
I didn’t want to be ungrateful but I was really confused by the gift. I mean I like movies and all but even before the lay off I didn’t go see them that often. I mean have you seen the price of movie tickets?
Well today I used my movie gift card. I sat in a dark theater alone and forgot about the million things stressing me out right now. And I didn’t spend a bit of money. Ok well I guess I technically spent money on the gas it took to drive there but other than that not a dime was spent.
Sure when the lights came back up all my worries were waiting for me. But for that hour and half…it was nice.
In other news: I have a job interview on Friday. Please cross your fingers and think good thoughts for me. I really need this job.
February 3, 2009
· Filed under dating, family, venting
I was just sitting at my computer. Actually doing what I was supposed to be doing for once. I was transcribing the audio or a focus group. The participants were all teen females so I’m trying to make sure I have all the “like”s and “you know”s in the right spot when all of a sudden a messenger box is blocking my view. And its my most recent ex.
IT guy and I were friends for a long time. Then we dated. It didnt work so we went back to being friends. Then we dated again (way to learn from our mistakes right) So this time not only did it not work but we are no longer friends. I thought we’d find our way back to friendship but he is pretty adamant that “we need time to make sure everything is done” before we go back to friendship.
So here I am almost 6 months later having already come to terms with the rejection and being in the process of mourning the friendship that seems will never resurface. And wham he’s there on my computer screen blocking my transcription.
I’ll admit it my first thought was that he was reaching out that he wanted to work toward having a friendship again. So after answering his questions about unemployment (he joined this miserable laid off club yesterday) I told him I missed talking to him. He told me he missed our conversations too but still believes “we” need time.
So here I am wondering why if all this time is needed did HE initiate the conversation and now I have to return to mourning the friendship. But its like all the work I’d done on this subject previously has been undone.
I just dont get how I’m the emotionally stunted one in this situation.
January 6, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Holidays, family
I read a suggestion today about sending monthly letters to your (placed) child. I think this is a great idea but perhaps a little ambitious for myself. I have decided to take on this challenge but in a smaller, less overwhelming way.
I decided not to write a full letterbecause I dont’ think I’ll have enough to write that will be of interest to a seven year old so instead I will send a card with a note and perhaps stickers. I may even heed this suggestion and add some photos of myself from time to time.
The other adjustment I’m making is I won’t be doing this every month. It seems too overwhelming at this point to say I’ll send one every month. I feel I will fail if I make the goal that rigid. I’ve pinpointed some holidays I know I’ll be able to find cute cards for including Valentines Day (which also happens to be his half birthday), St Patricks Day, July 4th, Halloween, and Thanksgiving I also will send a card whenever I happen to find one that is cute or reminds me of him. This looser schedule give me a lot less anxiety than trying to find the perfect card each month.
Perhaps I’ll work up to letters. Perhaps I’ll work up to every single month. Who knows. But right now its like What About Bob, “baby steps”.
