November 9, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, dating
This weekend I had a first date with Mohawk. On the surface he doesn’t seem like my type AT ALL but we will definately be seeing eachother again and so far I kinda like him.
So why am I bringing my data drama here from the other blog? Because he asked if I had kids. And I said, “yes I have a son but he lives in [faraway state].” But I didn’t say anything about adoption.
And then he asked if I see him and I said, “I see him as often as I can which obviously isn’t often enough and thank god for internet and telephones” But I didn’t mention adoption.
I never lied, but I left out a rather important detail. Or did I? Does it matter that I didn’t tell him about the adoption? I figured there would be more questions and that we’d get to the adoption stuff, but he just said he was glad I kept in touch and then changed the subject.
I have drinks with IT-Guy tonight maybe I’ll get his take on this too.
September 9, 2009
· Filed under Friends, Think on it, dating, therapy
While having drinks with IT guy last week the discussion turned to how much we’ve learned about ourselves recently and about being happy. I tried to explain how I feel about how he and I and a bunch of others in our circle seem to define happiness.
I tried to explain that we’re very immature in our view of happiness. That its a very black and white view for a world made up of shades of grey. He didn’t get what I was trying to say and I couldn’t really find the words to explain it.
Then this week I was schooled by TG the fabulous. She wrote about choosing happiness and in doing so said in part:
I smile more than I cry.
I laugh daily.
I don’t feel guilty for the good things that I’ve created in my life.
And thats what I was trying to say to IT guy.
That happiness isn’t the absence of real life tough stuff, it’s enjoying the good stuff anyway. I must admit I’m not there at the moment. I’ve been there and then I’ve regressed, but I know I’ll be there agaim. And now that is what I’m reaching for, I’ve given up on seeking that idealized happiness.
I feel I should have grasped this concept sooner, and been able to explain it to IT guy. How many times have I said adoption isn’t all rainbows and butterflies? A lot. So why couldn’t I explain that life isn’t all sunshine either. The rain will come (hell I live in the Pacific NorthWest so a LOT of rain will come) but happiness isn’t the lack of rain, its dancing in the rain, coping with the thunder, and enjoying the sunbreaks.
August 12, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Unemployment, Work, dating
I logged into the adoption forums for the first time in over a month the other day. I read a lot, but couldn’t bring myself to post.
I’ve started several drafts of posts on various subjects. I can’t seem to finish anything.
My son turns 8 on Friday.
I gave a presentation on birth/first parent grief to my cohort of MSW students. I was worried because my professor is an adoptive mom and I don’t know what her view of birth parents is. She made a few faces i cannot interpret while I spoke but overall she seemed receptive. I guess I’ll see if my topic choice was stupid when I get my grade.
I’m socially retarded and emotionally stunted. Started dating “Sinatra” about a month ago. I keep testing him. He keeps passing. So I test him some more. I realized I’m doing it so I am trying to stop. Its hard. My bestie pointed out that unless i want her to be the only person I ever commit to I need to get over my issues. She said it much nicer than that. I’m scared.
I have to give notice at my job friday. It took me 8 months post lay off to find this job and now its down to drop out of school or quit my job. This will be the first time in my adult life I’ve quit a job without having another lined up. This also scares me.
Pregnant people are stalking me.
March 19, 2009
· Filed under dating
So instead of sitting around waiting for a cross between Taye Diggs and Keith Olbermann to knock on my door I signed up for an online dating site.
And now I want to slap myself.
Oh and for the record I told the truth on the “do you have kids questions” so that will limit my responses.
February 11, 2009
· Filed under Friends, Roommates, Unemployment, Work, dating
I GOT A JOB!!! Ok so its only part time and not even consistant part time but its a job! I”m so excited. I won’t know the salary details until later in the week but I’m already trying to schedule a visit in my head.
So after class last night I went out with some of the girls to celebrate my newly employed status. I happened to have a gift card to a local pizza place so we went there. Our drinks hadn’t even arrived when a man come up to our table and offered to buy us a round if we’d let him join us. This is typical for a night out with Roommate 2 she’s gorgeous and the guys flock to her. However, as the conversation progressed I started to realize he was talking to me .
To be honest it through me for a loop. Don’t get me wrong I’m a cute girl but I was surrounded by cuter, skinnier, definatly nicer girls. And whats wierd is I had no problem talking to this guy UNTIL i realized he was interested in actually talking to me. Then it got wierd. So at the end of the night he had my number and I had a date. Which I’m leaving for in just a few minutes.
February 3, 2009
· Filed under dating, family, venting
I was just sitting at my computer. Actually doing what I was supposed to be doing for once. I was transcribing the audio or a focus group. The participants were all teen females so I’m trying to make sure I have all the “like”s and “you know”s in the right spot when all of a sudden a messenger box is blocking my view. And its my most recent ex.
IT guy and I were friends for a long time. Then we dated. It didnt work so we went back to being friends. Then we dated again (way to learn from our mistakes right) So this time not only did it not work but we are no longer friends. I thought we’d find our way back to friendship but he is pretty adamant that “we need time to make sure everything is done” before we go back to friendship.
So here I am almost 6 months later having already come to terms with the rejection and being in the process of mourning the friendship that seems will never resurface. And wham he’s there on my computer screen blocking my transcription.
I’ll admit it my first thought was that he was reaching out that he wanted to work toward having a friendship again. So after answering his questions about unemployment (he joined this miserable laid off club yesterday) I told him I missed talking to him. He told me he missed our conversations too but still believes “we” need time.
So here I am wondering why if all this time is needed did HE initiate the conversation and now I have to return to mourning the friendship. But its like all the work I’d done on this subject previously has been undone.
I just dont get how I’m the emotionally stunted one in this situation.
January 20, 2009
· Filed under Grad School, PhD program search, dating
So I’ve come to the realization (or returned to the realization) that its not really possible to meet people in Tacoma. On the one hand I feel like I’m too young to even be worried but then I see people my age getting married and having babies and I’m start to think I might be a little behind. (well ok so technically I beat them to the baby part).
Maybe thats part of the Tacoma problem, people settling down way too early. All I know is that I need to move on. I can’t go anywhere until at least June 2010. I”m in grad school and have put way to much effort in to transfer at this point. (or have I? perhaps I should look into this option).
So by the summer of 2010 I will have an MSW and hopefully a certificate in school social work. At that point I will also have applied to PhD programs. I will move to wherever I”m accepted. Berkeley so far is my first choice but that seems a long shot. If I”m not accepted anywhere, which is likely seeing as how I’ll have no post MSW experience, I will apply to every school district in western Washington and hopefully get a job a reasonable distance from here.
After a couple years I will re-apply to PhD programs and then move to whereever I get accepted.
Its nice to have a plan. It gives me some hope that I will eventually get out of this place and when I have hope its so much easier to find humor in those people we do happen to meet while out about town.
December 14, 2008
· Filed under Friends, dating
I have rules about dating. Do not date friends. Its that simple and yet I NEVER remember these rules until its too late.
I made this rule after the five year relationship with my son’s father ended. I was never again going to lose a friend because I was stupid enough to date him. Yeah as long as you define never as “until I decided I wanted to date I.T. Guy” and that one didn’t end so well either.
So here I sit tonight, mad at myself for breaking the rule yet again. Well technically I did not break it. The rule says no dating and Cowboy and I did NOT go out on a date last night. We simply hung out and had some drinks like we always do. And when the light snowfall grew a bit heavier I crashed at his place, also not a new occurance. Sure some lines previously uncrossed have now been crossed but nothing MAJOR happened so technically I did NOT break the rule…
Ok so now I’m playing the samantics game but come on can’t I just blame my behavior on the first snowfall of the season?
The last time the last time this friendship inched in this direction I avoided Cowboy for awhile. Just long enough for me to forget WHY I wasn’t supposed to answer his phone calls. Then he called and our friendship picked up right back where we’d left it without any awkwardness at all. So how long should I avoid him this timeto let the awkwardness wear off? Or I could be mature and NOT avoid him. HA like that will happen.
I should just shrug it off now that I think about it this has been a pattern in our friendship since Jr High. We randomly creep towards a more than platonic existance and then we recoil and return to our friendship as if nothing had happened…until the next time.
November 29, 2008
· Filed under dating, venting
Its 5am and I’m awake. If you know me then you know this is abnormal. So why am I awake? Because I got a text from the critic at 330. This one text, after no contact in about a year and a half turned into a text conversation and then to an actually conversation. (Note: I call him the critic because of his job not because he is critical of me-although now that I think about it, he is).
He says he texted me on a whim. The more I think about it I don’t believe that. He’s methodical, manipulative. He doesn’t do anything “on a whim”. He says he ran into someone who mentioned my name and thats why he texted me. He also said he’d seen on my myspace that I was dating my most recent ex, ITGuy (also nicknamed based on his job). And of course he asked me to invite him over.
The more I think about it the more it seems the first two were just a pretense for the third. While I do not doubt he ran into someone who mentioned me. While I do not doubt he wanted the dirt on ITGuy. I also do not doubt he just needed an excuse to try for the booty call.
I told him no.
And I’m proud of myself for that but at the same time extreamly disappointed in myself. I shoudn’t have spoken to him at all. I should have stopped the text conversation as soon as he told me it was him. I shouldn’t have answered his questions about ITGuy. And I most assuredly shoudln’t have left the metaphorical door open.
I shouldn’t have agreed that we should get together at some point “just for coffee or something to talk”. I know better.
And so here I am awake at 5am watching myself as I sit precariously close to the edge of reverting to old habits.
November 12, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Roommates, Unemployment, dating, family, sisters, venting
So many people are deleting their blogs or going private. Its not really news but it hit me again today.
Today was a hard day and I came home and typed in some of the familiar urls. Not holding my breath but still with the faintest of hopes that perhaps today they’d be there and accessible. I don’t know why I’m so emotional lately. I cannot claim to have been the best of friends with any of them. But reading those blogs made me feel a little less crazy and a little less alone.
Its strange living in a house with two dear friends and still turning to the computer for understanding. To dull the lonliness.
I am just so empty lately. All I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. And since I can’t think of a good reason not to, I will go do just that.
