Archive for OA RoundTable

Open Adoption Roundtable #11: It’s Beginning to FEEL a Lot Like Christmas

December 11, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, Holidays, Music, OA RoundTable, Roommates, family, sisters, venting

Heather, over at PNR has posted the next OAR writing prompt.

An open-ended prompt this round, because it’s always interesting to see where each of us takes it:

Write about open adoption and the holiday season.

Yes, I know the lyric is “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” but for me Christmas is about the feelings.  So far the Christmasy feel boils down to:

COLD: as in it’s been 8 degrees this week when I arrive at my internship in the mornings. So cold that it half my commute just for the car to warm up enough for the heat to be of any use.  So cold that I wear thigh high socks plus wool socks plus boots and my toes are still cold.

FESTIVE: DirtyRed went out and bought a tree and she and GeishaGirl decorated it. THey’ve been burning holiday candles for weeks and their stockings are hung above the fireplace.  For my part I had a peppermint martini at my favorite resaurant this week YUM!

MERRY: The only music being played in my car since the day after Thanksgiving has been Christmas music (well except for the ONE day I allowed Mohawk to pick the music)

So what does any of this have to do with adoption? The last feeling that lets me know the holidays are here is:

LONELY: as in I can try to imagine what Kidlet is up to this time of year.  But I won’t be there.  I wont experience it with him. 

I have a video his parents sent me a few years back, him playing with his dreidel and counting in Hebrew (TOO CUTE!)

I’ve been to the house so can imagine quite clearly the spot where their Christmas tree will sit.

I’ve seen him open birthday presents so I can change the wrapping in my minds eye and have a good idea of what his face will be like on Christmas morning…

But he will never walk hand in hand with me and experience the magic of Zoo Lights.

I won’t be able to teach him the simple joy of St. Nikolaus Tag.

He won’t gather with my family  and neighbors Christmas eve eating taquitos and laughing.

He won’t pile in my parents van and drive from neighborhood to neighborhood searching for extravegant light displays.

He won’t return to my parents house to open gifts.

He won’t sleep over and wake early to find that Santa has arrived.

He won’t be able to steal bits of food and sweets while I help momma cook Christmas dinner.

I’ve missed all these things since Christmas 2001, but its worse now watching my sister share all these things with my nieces. 

Yesterday I hit the holiday wall. I should have written this post sooner so as not to be a downer.  I’m going to bed now, wake me in January.

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Open Adoption Roundtable 9:

November 4, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, OA RoundTable, family

I’ve missed/avoided/ignored the last two OAR writing prompts for various reasons but am jumping back into the discussion with with this one.  Heather posted it today and I’ve been thinking about it every since reading it from my phone while I’m sure I was supposed to be doing something productive today.

This round we’re going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard–or perhaps even made–statements like these?

“We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them.”

“The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.”

“Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood.”

I’ll start with the medical history.  Its wonderful that you have medical history from the time your child was born, it wasn’t too long ago that even that wasn’t available. However, medical history is not static.  Its in part the label “history” that reinforces the belief that medical information need only be collected once. I’ll use my own story as an example.

I gave birth at 18 and filled in the medical “history” form completely however at that time I was fairly healthy as was my family.  Hell at that time I had all 4 grandparents and 2 great grandmothers alive and well. In the last 8 years a lot has changed.

  1. My occasional migraines have become more chronic and more intense which has sent my doctors searching for additional underlying causes/conditions.
  2. One of my great grandmothers has become ill and passed some of her illnesses may be hereditary
  3. My paternal grandfather also passed this year and also suffered from some illnesses that may be hereditary
  4. My mother has developed high blood pressure and diabetes
  5. My mother became ill last winter and had to undergo blood transfusions and major surgery
  6. My father is currently suffereing from joint issues
  7. I have either a papilledema or pseudopapilledema
  8. I went from have no known allergies to discovering I’m allergic to a very common medication
  9. As we speak I am awaiting test results from todays doctors visit unrelated to any of the above

So, yes, having that piece of paper I filled out 8 years ago would be better than nothing but only barely.  In an open adoption I can shoot my son’s parents an email and say, “FYI momma was diagnoised as diabetic today just wanted to let you know so you can update [Kidlet]’s medical history”

Next lets look at leaving the decision to have a relationship with family until the child is an adult.  Is there any other family member that should be ignored and then when the child reaches 18 they can choose whether or not to contact them? Again I’ll use my family as an example.  BabySister and I have never been and probably will never be the best of friends.  I don’t agree with her parenting style (nothing abusive or neglectful just different from how I’d do things) I don’t agree with her priorities.  I don’t agree with her values.  If we weren’t related we would probably not interact on any level. 

And yet, she is my sister.  We are related.  Should I ignore that and when my children reach the age of 18 tell them, “Oh, by the way you have an aunt I didn’t want to force that connection on you but now that you’re adults you can contact her if you want”

All in all adults are uncomfortable with open adoption because its a foreign concept and if we raise our children to view it as an unusual occurance they will be uncomfortable with it as well.  If we raise them to know that differences in families are normal, that they have extended familyconnects that their friends may not, they can grow up embracing all of who they are.

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Open Adoption Roundtable 6: Names

August 30, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, OA RoundTable

Its that time again, Heather has posted the new Open Adoption Roundtable writing prompt

 Write about names/naming and open adoption.

I feel like I’ve written about this before, so some of it may be a bit repetative.  Although perhaps I’ve only thought about writing it down so in that case it may be all new.  Its hard to write about names without using any names. I am tempted to let the psydonyms fall by the way side for this post but it is not my right to  make that choice. And so I will try to have this be as clear as possible.

I shall start with a cast of characters:

  • Kidlet – my placed son
  • The Ex- Kidlet’s first dad
  • SisterFriend – My older sister
  • BabySister- My younger sister
  • Babykins and NewBaby- daughters of my younger sister
  • M- Kidlets mom
  • J- Kidlets dad

The Ex and his father shared a name, but with different spellings and from early in my pregnancy we knew we would name Kidlet using The Ex’s fathers spelling. 

In my family middle names start with a certain letter.  They just do.  My grandmother, aunt, and SisterFriend all share a middle name.  BabySister, Babykins, NewBaby(coming soon), and I all have middle names that share the same first letter with their name.  So I knew Kidlet’s middle name would start with that letter.

I know M and I discussed names prior to Kidlet’s birth, but everything was a blur then and is more than a little hazy now.  I know she followed traditions from her faith to select a list of suitable names.  I know that the name The Ex and I had selected for Kidlet’s middle name made the list J&M had for first names.  I don’t remember if that was merely coincidence or if we discussed it.  I also know that the name they chose for Kidlet’s middle name represents The Ex, it means poet. (I feel its ok for me to say that because there are many names that mean poet and I don’t think anyone will be able to identify Kidlet even if they do happen to guess the right one)

I often wonder if I should have named him.  I vaguely remember in the hospital being slow to fill out the birth certificate paperwork because part of me thought I should just put down the name J&M had picked.  Perhaps it was selfishness, but I chose to fill out the paperwork with the names The Ex and I had chosen. 

Maybe he will grow up and resent that for a few days he had another name.  Maybe he will confirm that it was selfish on my part to name him.  Maybe he’ll enjoy that for a few days he shared a name with this first father and grandfather.  I didn’t know the right thing then, and I don’t know it now.

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Open Adoption Roundtable 5: Ch…Ch…Ch…Changes…

August 18, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School, OA RoundTable, PhD program search

Heather has posted our next challenge and let me tell you, it IS a challenge.

How has open adoption changed you? In what ways are you different because the presence of open adoption in your life?

This is a timely topic for me because Kidlet’s birthday had triggered similar thoughts.  8 years have passed since Kidlet was born and it feels like just yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.  I have changed a lot since then, in some ways i don’t even recognize the me i was then. But it is hard to know which changes are influenced by relinquishment and open adoption, which are due to other aspects of my life, and which are merely the result of growing up.

Not necessarily adoption related but definately Kidlet related is my commitment to my education and career. So many times I’ve felt like giving up, but I have to keep going.  I must keep going, because I want him to be able to be proud of me. I don’t want his birth mom to be the stereotypical loser birth mom. 

On the other hand after placement I started drinking.  So much for not wanting to be the stereotype, but everyone kept tellling me “if you parent you won’t be able to drink or party”.  I didn’t drink or party prior to getting pregnant but since it was such a “good” reason to place I decided to give it try.  I didn’t like the taste of alcohol at first but I kept at it. Maybe I would have developed this trait anyway, I can’t say for sure, but what I can say is that I tried really hard to become a partier because it’s what I was supposed to be.

Adoption has made me indecisive.  I went into OA pretty blind and took what information people gave me at face value.  As I saw it I only had one option.  Now as I learn about open adoption and the other choices I did have but didn’t know about.  I’m learning about the rights I had.  The choices I could have made.  The questions I should have asked.  And it’s too late.  For me, it has turned out alright.  But for so many people I “know” it hasn’t turned out even remotely alright, and I know that without warning it could go from alright to horrid.  And even though I love and trust Kidlet’s parents that scares me.  And I never want to be this powerless again. And I never want to not have options again.

So now I research EVERYTHING to death.  I make sure that I set myself up for as many options as possible.  Case in point.  I am less than a year away from completeing my MSW.  At graduation I will also have a certificate in School Social Work.  I am also applying to PhD programs (and am researching, researching, researching various ones before i finalize the list).  I am also researching social work jobs overseas and across the US.  See when I graduate I want the option to do school social work, I want the option to go on to get my PhD, I want the option to relocate, I want OPTIONS.  And no matter how much research I do into any of these options I’m scared it wont be enough.  I’m scared that when all is said and done I’m going to make the wrong choice. I know I’ll eventually have to choose, but until then I’ll do a bit more research.

Head over to Production Not Reproduction to check out blurbs from and links to other blogs on the OA Roundtable #5 topic

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Open Adoption Roundtable 4: These are the Moments

July 28, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, OA RoundTable

It’s that time again. And this time I’ll actually publish my post. This weeks assignment is to

write about a small moment that open adoption made possible.

Since I am indecisive I’ve chosen more than one…never have been one for following directions :)

Moment 1:

It was a hot North Carolina June Day at the community pool. Kidlet quickly tired of hanging out with adults. He’d shown off his cannonball skills and decided to go off and play with his friends. KidBrother and J were in the shallow end of the pool. And so I swam and watched Kidlet play from an acceptable (to him) distance. Understanding his desire to play with his friends did little to squash the feelings of being an outsider. I watched and took pictures of both Kidlet and KidBrother and then I heard it, “Help me splash, Kat. Help me splash my Birth Mom.” In one shout to his friends Kidlet had included me and owned me at the same time. My heart melted as a splash war broke out. Splashing six year olds sent torrents of water toward me from all directions. I’m pretty sure I lost the battle. I’m certain I won so much more.

Moment 2:

Another June Day in NC. This time complete with overbearing humidity. Kidlet is in the backyard with friends his mother, father, and I watch from the comfort of the air conditioned house. Soon after the play begins I see concern in his blue green eyes as he runs toward the house. “My friends want to know who you are.” He announces as he darts inside. Either his mother or I, or maybe both, let him know he can tell them. That he can just say my name or he can tell them more if he wants. He throws open the slider once more and before he even steps outside yells, “This is Kat my Birth Mom,” then ran to continue playing with his friends.

Moment 3:

It started with a simple wall post about a date. M responded with encouraging words and directed me to just be myself. I only half jokingly added that, “I don’t want to be myself, but since being you is already taken I guess I’ll settle for being me.” M was quick to reply,

since I see so much of myself in u – I think we can call it a draw

Simple words. Perhaps not even a moments consideration went into them. Perhaps she’s not aware of the overwhelming love I felt as I read them. I cannot think of a higher complement I could receive from her.

Moment 4:

There is a distinct moment in my head. One where M came down from the pedestal I’d placed her on. The moment I realized she was a real person. The moment I started loving her even more than before. A moment where I was very happy with my choice for Kidlets parents. But the details of that moment are not mine to share. As with the previous moments the details are ingrained in my heart and mind for all time.

These are the moments that validate Open Adoption for me.

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Roundtable Redo

June 15, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Friends, OA RoundTable

So I made an attempt to address the first OA Roundtable prompt (an admittedly lame attempt but an attempt all the same).  I consider my last attempt lame because I couldn’t come up with an answer. Seven years into OA and I couldn’t answer:

What do you know now that you wish you knew then? Has the reality of open adoption as it’s looked in your life matched your expectations? What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could?

I started writing with an idea in mind but by the time I got to the end all I had in me was an, “I don’t know.”  Well thanks to last night I now do know.  So here I am flouting all the rules (are there rules?)and taking a second shot at this topic.

I have a three year old niece.  Yesterday was an auntie/niece day.  We built “houses” with duplos, played dress up, blew lots of bubbles, and watched the same dvd 3 times.  Not once did I mention my son.  Don’t get me wrong, she knows about her cousin.  There are pictures at my house, at her house, and at my parent’s house.  She knows his name and that he’s her cousin and she knows he doesn’t live with me.  Although now that I think about it we’ve never explained WHY he doesn’t live with me she just knows that at aunt Katja’s house there are two cats inside, one cat outside, aunt kat, and two roommates. 

So anyway after spending time I went to my parents house and after a few minutes my BabySister, SoliderBoy and Babykins showed up there as well.  And they brought with them a story.  Apparently on the way to my parents house Babykins has shared with her parents the following story:

“My cousin, Kidlet, and I played over there momma.  We rolled down that hill and then we cried because we were stuck.”

After BabySister retold this to us well looked at Babykins and she confirmed it by emphatically insisting she and Kidlet had rolled down the hill.

She also requested a visit with her cousin.

So what does this have to do with the roundtable question?  If I could go back in time and tell my 17 year old self anything about Open Adoption I would explain the ramifications not on myself but on those around me.  I would remind myself that the child I was carrying was not only my son, he is also my parent’s grandson, my sister’s nephew, my future neices’ cousin, and my future children’s brother. 

I would tell myself that these other relationships are important and need to be respected.  I would advise myself to request J&M to come to the Northwest prior to my due date to meet my family.  I would ask my family to be involved in my communications with them.   

As it is the parents only met J&M once each and my sisters never met them.  And it was while I was recovering from a not so awesome c-section.  They did not make the best impression (IMO I’m not sure what J&M think)  as neither knew what to make of the situation or if they could trust J&M to follow through on the openness. 

So no, meine Nichte, you can’t go visit Kidlet.  At least not at the moment.  I’m sorry I didn’t lay the groundwork for this to be possible.  Someday I hope you will get your visit with your cousin and maybe you’ll even get to roll down that hill together.

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Jumping on the Roundtable Bandwagon

June 9, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, OA RoundTable

Can you jump on a roundtable and a bandwagon at the same time? Well I just did.

Over at PNR the first of presumably many OA RoundTable Prompts has been posted:

…think back to who you were when open adoption first entered into your life. As with so many things in life, thinking about open adoption without having experienced it and actually living it out are two very different things. What do you know now that you wish you knew then? Has the reality of open adoption as it’s looked in your life matched your expectations? What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could?

It doesn’t seem on the surface to be a difficult question.  We all look at our pasts and have, “if only I’d known then” moments.  In fact recently during my first adoption support group meeting while telling my story it was joked that I should write an adoption book called, “If I knew then…”.  Not to mention that about a year ago, as part of a work related therapeutic type group I wrote a letter to my 17 year old self. But maybe there-in lies the problem.  I have so many, “if only”s I can’t narrow it down. 

Would I tell my 17 year old self to be more involved in the openness earlier on? It sounds like a good idea in hindsight. but would it have been a good thing in practice?  I was not in an emotionally healthy place right after relinquishment.  Perhaps if I’d been more involved from the beginning everything would have gone well, but perhaps we all needed to ease into our openness.  To let it progress naturally.  So no, thats not the bit of advice I’d give my then self. 

I want to steal some wisdom from The Chronicles and tell my then self to get some counseling.  Before, during, and after.  However, the lack of success I’m having at getting my 25 year old self to get counseling doesn’t convince me my 17 year old self would be very open to the idea.

So then what would it be? What would be that one piece of advice?  I want so badly to tell my 17 year old self to parent, but even typing that sentence triggers so much guilt I deleted it and re-typed it several times before deciding to let it stay.  But that isn’t really about my OA because if I gave myself that advice I wouldn’t be in an OA.  By the same token I suppose advice to room with my son, nurse, and bathe, and photograph him aren’t exactly OA related either. 

So I guess this is the long way of saying, “I don’t know.”  Which, in my defense is not how I thought I’d be ending this post just 5 minutes ago. 

 

 

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