Leaving the Cocoon

I’ve written about the visit part of my trip to the wrong coast, but I haven’t written about the actual conference part. For some reason that part is harder for me and I didn’t think it would be, I’m actually really shocked that it is.

My visits are always great, but so emotional for me so they tend to be hard to write about, but this time despite all the tears or maybe because of them the words flowed.

So now I’ll attempt to write about the wondrous cocoon-like weekend that was the coordinators2 Opening Adoption Symposium.

There were a bit more than a hundred people there, but it felt intimate. I was with at least one person I knew at almost all times. From sharing a cab with @LavLuz and @MamaMiller to dinner with my Twin separated at birth @swrkr247 and also meeting new people so many people I can’t list them all here, but not in a holding hands under the table or holding our breaths in an elevator preparing for jackass adoption commentary to begin kind of meeting new people way. In a even these non tweeting people are part of the tribe, they just don’t have an @ in front of their names…yet.

The conversation wasn’t about IF openness was going to happen but HOW openness is going to happen and that it looks different for different people. I love love love Dawn’s breaking it down to structural openness and communicative openness and I need to read me some of the stuff she was citing which means I either need to get Internet at home or go to my parents to access her presentation in it’s fullness because it was awesome!

Also awesome was Heather’s presentation and though we joked about it I did not cry. Barb was there in spirit. I hope some of the professionals take the ideas and run with them, they really are low cost ways to offer support or supplement the support they may already offer that is desperately needed.

Also awesome (maybe I should consult a thesaurus) was Lori and Judy’s presentation. I hesitate to mention this next part lest I anger the “open adoption is evil because it’s too much like co-parenting” folks but I’m gonna tell the story anyway. Lori and Judy had planned an activity with scenarios they’d written and we’d pair up and decide where on the eriksons stages the adoptee is developmentally and which of the common issues he or she may be dealing with while on that stage.

M and I ignored the scenarios they spent so much time working on (sorry guys!) and instead dove head first into analyzing our son. We talked about the tough stuff he’s been dealing with, the behaviors, the feelings, the reactions, the aftermath. We talked about how it may or may not be adoption related and we compared it to the stages. I know the session was geared for adoptive parents because they are the ones raising the kids, and i was at first wary of attending, but in open adoptions it’s important for birth parents to be aware of this stuff too. I am so glad I went. I’m glad M feels comfortable letting me be a part of the discussion. I’m really quite blessed. Of course I didn’t quite feel that blessed when M volunteered us to share in front of everyone, oh M I don’t get up in front of large groups and talk when not forced by a grade or a paycheck or without Ativan. But stand there I did. And let M do most of the talking I did.

So now, after spending a weekend surrounded by likeminded people. A weekend where no one flinched or did a double take when I introduced M as my sons mom. A weekend where I actually met another pair of moms like us! A weekend where I could talk adoption without having to whisper or look over my shoulder or check to see which friends were in the room because certain friends aren’t comfortable with the conversation. After all that, I’ve left the cocoon. And it’s hard.

I’m back at work. And the guy newest to our program is determined to figure me out but also determined to ask the fewest questions possible it seems. And I’m determined not to spoon feed it to him. I just don’t want to freely give my story, Kidlet’s story to people who make no effort. Maybe I’m being obstinate but I’m back to my “ask the right questions and you’ll get the right answers” philosophy.

For instance while I appreciate those who refrain from asking the dreaded “what are you” question if they go to in the other direction and ask my nationality they get the answer American because the question they should have asked to get the information the desired was one about ethnicity or race not nationality at all.

The same is true of my child rearing status. Go ahead ask if I have kids, i’ll glance from you to the pictures of me and my son to the pictures Kidlet has drawn that are proudly displayed on my desk and only answer “yes”.

When weeks later you ask about my vacation and I say I spent time with my son and his parents, and you start asking more questions I’ll answer them sure. In very brief one word if possible answers. But, don’t expect me to stop what I’m working on to recount my entire story. 1 it’s none of your business 2 it’s ten years long at this point much too much to tell in one sitting 3. Despite what tv shows recently seem to think my teenage pregnancy is not a source for you to be entertained. 4. I dont actually even know you. You are a coworker, an acquaintance, an office mate. You are not a friend though at some point that may change that point is not now…

I want to be back in the cocoon. So badly I want it. I drove down to have dinner with Heather while @Lisa_V was in town. 2+ hr drive each way for drinks and dinner that’s not weird is it? This morning I swore I saw Lisa drive past my office even though I know she’s back in her own state…probably just a case of all white people look alike (I kid).

But seriously I want the cocoon back.

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