August 30, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, OA RoundTable
Its that time again, Heather has posted the new Open Adoption Roundtable writing prompt
Write about names/naming and open adoption.
I feel like I’ve written about this before, so some of it may be a bit repetative. Although perhaps I’ve only thought about writing it down so in that case it may be all new. Its hard to write about names without using any names. I am tempted to let the psydonyms fall by the way side for this post but it is not my right to make that choice. And so I will try to have this be as clear as possible.
I shall start with a cast of characters:
- Kidlet – my placed son
- The Ex- Kidlet’s first dad
- SisterFriend – My older sister
- BabySister- My younger sister
- Babykins and NewBaby- daughters of my younger sister
- M- Kidlets mom
- J- Kidlets dad
The Ex and his father shared a name, but with different spellings and from early in my pregnancy we knew we would name Kidlet using The Ex’s fathers spelling.
In my family middle names start with a certain letter. They just do. My grandmother, aunt, and SisterFriend all share a middle name. BabySister, Babykins, NewBaby(coming soon), and I all have middle names that share the same first letter with their name. So I knew Kidlet’s middle name would start with that letter.
I know M and I discussed names prior to Kidlet’s birth, but everything was a blur then and is more than a little hazy now. I know she followed traditions from her faith to select a list of suitable names. I know that the name The Ex and I had selected for Kidlet’s middle name made the list J&M had for first names. I don’t remember if that was merely coincidence or if we discussed it. I also know that the name they chose for Kidlet’s middle name represents The Ex, it means poet. (I feel its ok for me to say that because there are many names that mean poet and I don’t think anyone will be able to identify Kidlet even if they do happen to guess the right one)
I often wonder if I should have named him. I vaguely remember in the hospital being slow to fill out the birth certificate paperwork because part of me thought I should just put down the name J&M had picked. Perhaps it was selfishness, but I chose to fill out the paperwork with the names The Ex and I had chosen.
Maybe he will grow up and resent that for a few days he had another name. Maybe he will confirm that it was selfish on my part to name him. Maybe he’ll enjoy that for a few days he shared a name with this first father and grandfather. I didn’t know the right thing then, and I don’t know it now.
August 18, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Grad School, OA RoundTable, PhD program search
Heather has posted our next challenge and let me tell you, it IS a challenge.
How has open adoption changed you? In what ways are you different because the presence of open adoption in your life?
This is a timely topic for me because Kidlet’s birthday had triggered similar thoughts. 8 years have passed since Kidlet was born and it feels like just yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. I have changed a lot since then, in some ways i don’t even recognize the me i was then. But it is hard to know which changes are influenced by relinquishment and open adoption, which are due to other aspects of my life, and which are merely the result of growing up.
Not necessarily adoption related but definately Kidlet related is my commitment to my education and career. So many times I’ve felt like giving up, but I have to keep going. I must keep going, because I want him to be able to be proud of me. I don’t want his birth mom to be the stereotypical loser birth mom.
On the other hand after placement I started drinking. So much for not wanting to be the stereotype, but everyone kept tellling me “if you parent you won’t be able to drink or party”. I didn’t drink or party prior to getting pregnant but since it was such a “good” reason to place I decided to give it try. I didn’t like the taste of alcohol at first but I kept at it. Maybe I would have developed this trait anyway, I can’t say for sure, but what I can say is that I tried really hard to become a partier because it’s what I was supposed to be.
Adoption has made me indecisive. I went into OA pretty blind and took what information people gave me at face value. As I saw it I only had one option. Now as I learn about open adoption and the other choices I did have but didn’t know about. I’m learning about the rights I had. The choices I could have made. The questions I should have asked. And it’s too late. For me, it has turned out alright. But for so many people I “know” it hasn’t turned out even remotely alright, and I know that without warning it could go from alright to horrid. And even though I love and trust Kidlet’s parents that scares me. And I never want to be this powerless again. And I never want to not have options again.
So now I research EVERYTHING to death. I make sure that I set myself up for as many options as possible. Case in point. I am less than a year away from completeing my MSW. At graduation I will also have a certificate in School Social Work. I am also applying to PhD programs (and am researching, researching, researching various ones before i finalize the list). I am also researching social work jobs overseas and across the US. See when I graduate I want the option to do school social work, I want the option to go on to get my PhD, I want the option to relocate, I want OPTIONS. And no matter how much research I do into any of these options I’m scared it wont be enough. I’m scared that when all is said and done I’m going to make the wrong choice. I know I’ll eventually have to choose, but until then I’ll do a bit more research.
Head over to Production Not Reproduction to check out blurbs from and links to other blogs on the OA Roundtable #5 topic
August 14, 2009
· Filed under Uncategorized
it seems like yesterday…but also a lifetime ago all at the same time.
August 12, 2009
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, Grad School, Unemployment, Work, dating
I logged into the adoption forums for the first time in over a month the other day. I read a lot, but couldn’t bring myself to post.
I’ve started several drafts of posts on various subjects. I can’t seem to finish anything.
My son turns 8 on Friday.
I gave a presentation on birth/first parent grief to my cohort of MSW students. I was worried because my professor is an adoptive mom and I don’t know what her view of birth parents is. She made a few faces i cannot interpret while I spoke but overall she seemed receptive. I guess I’ll see if my topic choice was stupid when I get my grade.
I’m socially retarded and emotionally stunted. Started dating “Sinatra” about a month ago. I keep testing him. He keeps passing. So I test him some more. I realized I’m doing it so I am trying to stop. Its hard. My bestie pointed out that unless i want her to be the only person I ever commit to I need to get over my issues. She said it much nicer than that. I’m scared.
I have to give notice at my job friday. It took me 8 months post lay off to find this job and now its down to drop out of school or quit my job. This will be the first time in my adult life I’ve quit a job without having another lined up. This also scares me.
Pregnant people are stalking me.
