Started to write this in the comments over at Writing My Wrongs but as I typed I also thought, and it got long. Too long to leave in the comments section.
In life when there is loss their should be grief. Without grieving or mourning something how do people heal? Well in the world of adoption loss you aren’t allowed to grieve. I think societies refusal to validate our grief can be explained in two parts.
First its not acceptable to grieve for such a “win-win” situation.
When I tried to grieve my sadness was dismissed with sentiments like “But isn’t he with a good family?”, “Doesn’t he have a good life”, “You did the right thing.”. In fact even a counselor who claimed to have both grief and loss and adoption experience uttered these words mere moments into our first (and only) session.
Second grief is supposed to be temporary or at least deminish with time. Adoption Grief isn’t like that.
If a widow still grieves with the same intensity years after her husbands passing I think she tends to get similar disapproval from society because she has failed to, “move on” or “get over it” (sound familiar?).
In my opinion adoption grief lasts for longer than that of other losses because we were never allowed to grieve in the first place AND because with each milestone our child reaches without us we experience a new loss.
So even if society accepted our grief they would still expect us to at some point “get over it”. But even if I come to peace with the initial loss of placing I then I have to be able to grieve the loss of not being there for my son’s first smile. His first step. His first word. His first EVERYTHING… These losses can be felt and grieved when they actually occur or when I witness another child meeting these milestones or both.
Grief and loss professionals need to be educated about both the grief associated with this “win-win” situation as well as the recurring nature of this unique grief.
