While I sort through my issues and get to a point where I can publish some of the posts I’ve been writing a recent guest blog submission of mine is up over at Adoption Under One Roof.
Archive for May, 2009
Why Can’t I Write?
When I’m struggling I should be able to come here and write, but for some reason it just isn’t happening today. I’ve written two posts in the last 2 hours and both times just as I’m poised to click “publish” I scroll up and “save as draft” instead.
Maybe I’m just not ready to let it go yet. Maybe the pain is well deserved punishment. Maybe….who knows.
In liu of venting and feeling better I guess I’ll just revert to pasting on a fake smile and hoping they buy it, because I have plans in about an hour.
Why Can’t We Grieve?
Started to write this in the comments over at Writing My Wrongs but as I typed I also thought, and it got long. Too long to leave in the comments section.
In life when there is loss their should be grief. Without grieving or mourning something how do people heal? Well in the world of adoption loss you aren’t allowed to grieve. I think societies refusal to validate our grief can be explained in two parts.
First its not acceptable to grieve for such a “win-win” situation.
When I tried to grieve my sadness was dismissed with sentiments like “But isn’t he with a good family?”, “Doesn’t he have a good life”, “You did the right thing.”. In fact even a counselor who claimed to have both grief and loss and adoption experience uttered these words mere moments into our first (and only) session.
Second grief is supposed to be temporary or at least deminish with time. Adoption Grief isn’t like that.
If a widow still grieves with the same intensity years after her husbands passing I think she tends to get similar disapproval from society because she has failed to, “move on” or “get over it” (sound familiar?).
In my opinion adoption grief lasts for longer than that of other losses because we were never allowed to grieve in the first place AND because with each milestone our child reaches without us we experience a new loss.
So even if society accepted our grief they would still expect us to at some point “get over it”. But even if I come to peace with the initial loss of placing I then I have to be able to grieve the loss of not being there for my son’s first smile. His first step. His first word. His first EVERYTHING… These losses can be felt and grieved when they actually occur or when I witness another child meeting these milestones or both.
Grief and loss professionals need to be educated about both the grief associated with this “win-win” situation as well as the recurring nature of this unique grief.
Preliminary Data
I just completed my presentation. In fact I”m still sitting in class right now. Thank you again to those of you who took my survey.
The results weren’t terribly surprising.
Question 1: Did re-opening adoption records cause abortion rates to rise? To answer this question I looked at the abortion rates in states that have re-opened records. I ran a paired samples T-test comparing the rates before re-opening records to the rates after re-opening records. There is no significant difference between abortion rates before re-opening records and those after.
Question 2: Are abortion rates higher in states with Open Adoption Records? To answer this question I compared the open records state’s abortion rates to those who have yet to re-open records. There is no significant difference between the abortion rates in Open Record States and those in sealed record states.
From the data from questions 1 and 2 we can refute the claim that re-opening records will cause abortion rates to soar.
Question 3: Will re-opening records decrease the number of women who relinquish their parental rights? To answer this question I posted a survey and asked first moms (aka natural moms, birth moms, biological moms etc) to help me out by filling it out. 83% of respondants stated that the status of adoption records had NO influence on their decision. 0.00% were heavily or completely influenced by the status of records. Yep thats right absolutely no one who responded was heavily or completely influenced by sealed records. (not shocking but felt the need to reitterate based on how certain people are that opening records would be catastrophic)
70% of respondents were either not informed or only minimally informed about closed record practices. If having closed records is such a selling point why not tell people about them?
I also left space for additional feedback. Not everyone offered it but a fair number did. The feedback gave me insight into questions I SHOULD have asked, or rather seperate research that needs to be done. I obviously couldn’t cover everything. I had a very finite time frame, but oh the research I could do if i had but the time and finances (do I sound like a nerd yet?).
Most of the responses were of the “open records now” variety. Many pointed out that either due to the BSE or Coercion it wasn’t “making an adoption plan” or even their “choice”.
Some took issue with my terminology. I used the term first/birth and I am sorry to have offended anyone however for this research I will continue to use those terms. I will use them together or possibly interchangably. I do this because outside the adoption community the term first mom is not well understood. Whats the point of doing research if those reading it don’t understand it?
Some took issue with my survey. I shouldn’t have asked the abortion questions. I used the rationalization that since those who support closed records lump abortion with adoption I needed to as well. I thought by asking those questions I could prove that there is no link between adoption and abortion. And even though that is what the data shows, how rediculous is it to link two things in order to prove they aren’t linked. The analysis of pre-existing data refuted the abortion claims all on its own. There was no need to ask those questions. I won’t be using that data in my report.
As I said more info will be posted as I write the actual paper. For now I’ll reward myself for finishing my presentation by going home and pouring myself a glass of wine.
Happy(?) Birthmothers Day
Today, the day before mother’s day, is Birthmother’s Day. Last year (I think) I wrote about the day, but I’m too lazy to find that post so I will summarize my feelings about it.
I do not feel Birthmothers Day is a celebratory day. Mothers Day is the day I celebrate my motherhood. Birthmothers day is akin to Memorial Day. Its a day to remember what has been lost (as if any of us needed a specific day to do that).
I hope that for me Birthmothers Day will be the day I mourn and cry if I need to so that I don’t pout and cry and ruin the mother’s day celebration for my mother and sister. Its a reflective day and for me its a personal and private day.
So imagine my surprise this morning when I found a card on my bathroom shelf. It was obviously from the roommates. They’ve given my mothers day cards the last two years not only recognize my motherhood to my son but also noting how I “mother” them. I thought it was a mother’s day card until I read the envelope. It said “to be opened on Saturday”.
I read that and didn’t even need to open it I knew. I knew that somehow they now knew about birthmothers day. I knew that I could say goodbye to the only mothers day card I receive each year.
I try to respond to peoples words and actions based on their intent so I shouldn’t be upset right now. But I’m near tears as I write this and I’m so very glad the roomates aren’t home this weekend. I’m not sure I can fake the kind of appreciation they’d expect and deserve. I genuinely have been over joyed by the mother’s day cards they’ve given me the last two years but I can’t seem to get past meloncholy for this card.
I know they gave this out of love and it is with love that I should receive it. I am touched they acknowledge me at all after all they don’t have to. I’m not their mother.
So today I’ll cry and be meloncholy. Tomorrow I’ll work then celebrate the motherhood of my sister and mother (and myself silently). And when the roommates return home I will thank them and great them with the biggest smile I can muster. The thanks will be genuine the smile…well I’m working on that.
Research Update and Brief Explanation of the Sulking
I need to say a proper thank you to all the wonderful first/birth/natural moms who took my survey. I began this reserach project scared I wouldn’t have any results to present but that is not the case. I am in your debt. I also need to say a special thank you to FauxClaud and ULB for tweeting about my survey. I don’t exaggerate when I say upon seeing those retweets I got a bit teary. Two women who have never actually met me were sending me some serious love and I was in much need of it.
I haven’t formally began analyzing the data yet but at first glance both the qualitative and quantitative portions seem to be about what I expected. For those who objected to my asking questions about both adoption as well as abortion I say there is a method to my madness. I agree the two are not linked. HOWEVER when those who argue for closed records link them they won’t stop doing so on my word alone.
I plan to get into the numbers and such next week and will post more at that time.
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And now the brief explanation of my sulking. I’ll put it in a time line for brevity.
- October – Laid Off
- December- Momma hospitalized, has blood transfusion
- January- Best Friend’s mom has heart attack
- February- Great Grandma passes
- March- I discover I’m sick beyond my chronic migraines but dont know what exactly is wrong still laid off no health insurance
- April- Second expensive visit to a specialist still no answers
- May 1st – Grandpa Passes
- May – mothers day
I’ve purposefully left out somethings that seemed big at the time but now seem small. Basically it just all caught up with me. There is only so much fake smiles can hide before the tears over take it all.
Thank You
Thanks to everyone who has help me with my homework once again by taking my survey.
I’ve been quiet lately. My grandfather passed. I’m still around in forums and in comments just can’t write a full coherent post at the moment.
