Archive for January, 2009

Some thoughts from my sickbed*

January 30, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Television, Think on it, Thoughts from my sickbed, venting

*Or a post in which I am judgemental and possibly piss a lot of people off

While watching TV I saw a teaser for a news story on “designer children” about a fertility clinic offering couples the chance to choose the gender of their children.  It also talked about future possiblities of letting the couples choose hair and eye color and genes that were more likely to produce healthier children.  At first I was disgusted  but as I began to think about it especially as I watched the full news story I realized its actually not all that different from adoption today.

**Before I go any further I want to make it clear that the following isn’t to generalize ALL adoptive parents/potential adoptive parents or even MOST adoptive parents/potential adoptive parents.  However no example is fabricated.  Each was seen with my own eyes or heard with my own ears.  So somewhere out there in the adoption world these types of people exist.  I also know that not ALL agencies allow these types of practices.

Choice about gender:

This seems to be the least controversal choice in the adoption world.  It seems that gender choice is an accepted perk of adoption so why all the controversy that a fertility clinic is offering the same service?

I can understand gender preference. It makes sense. I have imagined myself parenting a little girl ever since I was a little girl. I hope my next pregnancy is a girl.  DOes that mean if its a boy I wont want him? NO! It just means that I’ll need to pick a different name, because I’m not sure my son could pull off Elizabeth.

So I just don’t understand how you can claim to want to be a parent so badly.  Be SO upset by the wait and then end a match or turn down multiple possible matches because of gender.

I’m sorry but once you get picky you loose your ability to complain about wait times and have me take you seriously.

If you admit that your desire to only parent a child of a certain gender is selfish and if you dont’ complain about how long it will take you to get a match I will still disagree with your choice but I’ll have more respect for you.

Choices about appearance:

In adoption it seems people know this one comes off as in bad taste/vain/selfish/ stupid.  I”ve mostly seen this less overtly than the gender desires.  I’ve recently come across an adoptive mother giving advice to other potential adoptive parents that they should insist on seeing a picture of the expectant parents before agreeing to match.  This way they could make sure the baby would “fit” in their family.  I’ve seen similar advice as a way to make sure you get a “pretty baby” .  Each time I throw up a little in my mouth.

Choices about health:

Again this is one I understand.  Everyone hopes their baby is healthy.  But it still doesn’t sit well with me when paps who claim to want nothing more than to be a parent turn down matches with even the smallest chance of a health issue.  And genetic engineering to produce a baby with healthier genes has me on guard.

Choices about race:

This is not related to the news story but while I”m on the subject lets talk about it shall we.

Race is a hard topic on its own.  Combining it with adoption sure doesn’t make it any easier to navigate but I’ll try anyway.

I’m not in favor of only allowing same race placements.  I’m also not in favor of allowing people to adopt children of different races just because they checked the box and claim they can handle it.

I know grouping up a minority in this country isn’t easy. I can only imagine what grouping up in the country as a minority and an adoptee is like.  So yes if you want to adopt outside your race your homestudy SHOULD take an intensive look at your motivations, your community, your support system, your extended family etc.  So I really am sick of reading/hearing people whine about it.

I’m not saying you have to go and find you some minority friends, because lets face it a friendship built on those motivations wont last.  What I am saying is take a look around.  Are there minorities that live on your block? In your neighborhood? Will your child be the only one of color at his/her school? Will your child be able to see people who look like them in a positive way in your immediate surroundings?  Will they hear positive things about people who look like them?

I’m sorry but even if you are wonderful people with the purest of motivations if you live in KKK country  with no diversity in sight it is not in the best interest of a minority child to be adopted by you no matter how many “trainings” your agency offers.

Those who want to adopt a black child because the fees are less expensive shoudl be weeded out and while we’re at it lets get rid of those who are open to bi-racial “because mixed babies are so pretty” or choose to adopt from China because “she’ll look just like a porcelain doll”.

All these things especially drive me crazy when they come from someone who also wants adoption to be more like pregnancy as in the wait time should be no more than 9 months.  Which doesn’t even make sense because if you take into account the amount of time couples are trying to conceive even a traditional birth from pregnancy can take more than 9 months. But lets just say you’re right and it just takes 9months-  You want it to be more like a pregnancy?

Ok so here are your choices.  Do you want to be a parent? Yes or No?  If the answer is yes you get to parent the first child who becomes available for adoption (in correspondence to where you are on the wait list).  Thats it.  That is your only choice. No gender choices, no appearance choices, the social worker will determine if you are qualified to parent a child of another race but you dont get to pick the race you think is the “prettiest”.

Oh wait.  You don’t like that plan?  You want all your choices AND a quicker turn around time?  Well tough shit.  Adoption isn’t about you.  Or at least it shouldn’t be.

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Nothing but time to think

January 28, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School, PhD program search

When you have an extreamly long migraine episode (14 ish days i lost count there toward the end) followed by a natsy cold it give you al ot of time to think.

I had time to com up with a research question for class.  It explores the Unsealed Initiative and will (hopefully) disprove those opponent who claim that unsealing records will cause women to terminate their pregnancies rather than relinquish their parental rights. It won’t be publishable for a myriad of reasons but it will work fo rthe class assignment and if I dont get into a PhD program just because I’m not published well then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

My illnesses kept me out of my internship for a week but I made it through class and managed to find and skim some research for my project.  Haven’t actually started writting any of the Lit Review but hey finding the reserach is the hard part…right?

And of course I had a bunch of time to just think and of course those thoughts turned to adoption.  I thought about domestic infant adoption, transracial adoption, open adoption (specifically the one i’m involved in but also OA in general).  I have several posts in the drafts folder but I need to finish transcribing the audio from a focus group for my internship and I’ve only done 3 minutes of the 30 minute audio.

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Meeting people in Tacoma?

January 20, 2009 · Filed under Grad School, PhD program search, dating

So I’ve come to the realization (or returned to the realization) that its not really possible to meet people in Tacoma.  On the one hand I feel like I’m too young to even be worried but then I see people my age getting married and having babies and I’m start to think I might be a little behind.  (well ok so technically I beat them to the baby part).

Maybe thats part of the Tacoma problem, people settling down way too early.  All I know is that I need to move on. I can’t go anywhere until at least June 2010.  I”m in grad school and have put way to much effort in to transfer at this point. (or have I? perhaps I should look into this option).

So by the summer of 2010 I will have an MSW and hopefully a certificate in school social work. At that point I will also have applied to PhD programs.  I will move to wherever I”m accepted.  Berkeley so far is my first choice but that seems a long shot.  If I”m not accepted anywhere, which is likely seeing as how I’ll have no post MSW experience, I will apply to every school district in western Washington and hopefully get a job a reasonable distance from here.

After a couple years I will re-apply to PhD programs and then move to whereever I get accepted.

Its nice to have a plan.  It gives me some hope that I will eventually get out of this place and when I have hope its so much easier to find humor in those people we do happen to meet while out about town.

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High Maintainance Hair- the arrival of my sampler pack

January 18, 2009 · Filed under My hair

I recently wrote about my hair and mentioned I’d ordered some products to try out.  Well they arrived a few days ago while I was in the middle of a weeklong migraine episode so I hadn’t gotten a chance to try them out until now.

Last night I washed my hair using Miss Jessie’s Creme De La Curl cleansing creme and Creme De La Creme condidioner and followed it up with a rapid recovery treatment.  None of those scents were overpowering which is really important during and coming off of a migraine episode.  My hair felt so good after washing that I didn’t think I needed the rapid recovery but decided to use it because my hair tends to be misleading while wet.

The treatment can be left in anywhere from 10 minutes to overnight.  I chose overnight so this morning I rinsed out the treatment and used the Curly Pudding.  I can’t give a full report until my hair dries but so far I’m glad it comes in an unscented version.  The smell isn’t unbearable (in fact it’s kinda nice) but if I were in the midst of a migraine it would be. If my hair dries well I”ll be trying the unscented tomorrow.

I’ll also be posting pictures but again no point until the hair dries.

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Roommate Adventures

January 10, 2009 · Filed under Friends, Roommates

My roommates and I have pretty interesting times out around town. Over the last 2 + years we’ve accumulated some stories and while last night may be almost tame by our standards it was still fun and worth re-telling.

We started out at a bar down the street that has a dance floor.  I’m always in the mood to dance and the roommates will dance with me if I get them drunk.  Since this bar hadn’t updated their calendar for the new year we weren’t sure what type of band was playing but decided to check it out with the understanding that if it wasn’t good we’d go downtown. So we get there and I ask the bouncer about the cover and the band. He give me just enough attitude to be endearing and then begins flirting with Roommate 2.

Now some girls may be annoyed by this behavior.  Not me.  I enjoy when roommate 2 gets hit on. It started as a spectators sport but now its a game.  See roommate 1 and I have began making predictions about how long until the first guy hits on her, how many guys will hit on her, etc.  Plus its always fun to watch her shoot them down and tell them she has a boyfriend (which she does no matter how drunk she is now thats love).  So even though after 2 years we still under estimate the quantity of guys willing to come up to her we learned long ago that it will never be more than 2 minutes after entering that it begins.

So we end up not having to pay the cover I love having a hottie for a roommate its so helpful. But thats about where the good times end.  Had I paid cover I’d have been angry.  The band, while not awful, defniately not danceable.  Until last night I swore I could and would dance to anything.  Turns out I was wrong.

There were 2 redeeming things (aside from no cover) 1- strong drinks and 2- so much to make fun of.

From the woman who chose to wear a lingerie top.  That wouldn’t have been so bad except she then had the black straps hanging down her legs garter belt style  just flappin around as she tried to dance.  To the poor guy trying to look hard while leaned against a wall drinking a malt beverage who then got almost dry hummed by some girl who was behaving like she was on E. Or the guy who was celebrating his birthday with his mom and his gf took a shot from between his legs while his mother stood there looking oh so proud.

But even will all that fodder nothing will ever (or at least for a few days) top this.  I saw a woman who appeared to be OLDER than my mother in the middle of the almost deserted dance floor in her high waisted mom jeans doin the Soulja Boy.  Seriously.  I wish I’d been able to video tape that.  It was priceless.

As we were driving away roommate 1 found a day old cheeseburger had been left in her car by the friend who’d driven it the night before.  And even though we told her not to, and even though she’d just finished renuing her food bourne illness certifcation, she ate it.

Ahhh fun times.

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I dont wanna be that girl

January 9, 2009 · Filed under Friends

Ok so my check engine light has been messing with me lately.  It will come on but then go off before I can take it anyone to check it out.  I’ve called a few places including the dealership to explain the problem but they all tell me the same thing.  “bring it in when the lights on”

So finally last night the light comes on and stays on long enough for me to drive to a auto parts store.  They hook up the thingy to thingy (look how technical I am) to read the error.  So he told me the error message to which to I responded, “what does that mean” So he guesses that the problem is probably my spark plugs which he finds out I’ve never had replaced.  (he wans’t very pleased with me).

So I go home and whine to roommate #2 and she reminds me of a friend I have who fixes cars.  So I call Cowboy.  How I didn’t not remember his automotive skills on my own I don’t know.  So he takes a look and tells me he will indeed replace my spark plugs.

We go in search of the parts and every auto parts store is closed.  Seems they all have decided to close an hour earlier in 2009.  Ok I get it they need to save money but still very inconvienent for me.  Cowboy then tells me to just get the stuff and he’ll fix it next time we see eachother.  And then I show my incompetence and ask him to write it down.

It wasn’t complicated.  3 things.  But I knew I’d need it written down.  So today I went to ge t them.  I read from the list thinking I could not possibly screw this up.  Well then the guy asked me questions Cowboy had not properly prepared me for.

I dont remember the question I just remember telling the guy “I dont even know what that means” before he rolled his eyes and told me to pop the hood.  The answer was 1.5 L but I guess that doens’t help me in the future since I can’t remeber what its the answer to.

Its so embarrasing to be so ignorant.  I dont want to be the girl who has to call each part of the car the “thingy” I dont want to be the girl the car guy rolls his eyes at.  But at the same time it was funny as hell.

So good news is I have all the parts Cowboy needs to fix my car and it should get done this weekend.  Whoo hool

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Wednesday: wining, whining and a little worry

January 7, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Unemployment, Wednesday Whining/Wining

Because its the most fun lets start with the Wining.  I bought two bottles of wine this week both German Eiswein one a Riesling the other a Kerner.  Both absoultely yummy although if I have to choose I think I prefer the Kerner.

The Kerner I opened Monday after a LONG day at my internship. I intended on having just one glass so put the cork back after I poured.  It was so yummy I nearly destroyed the cork trying to re-open it to refill my glass. I finished the entire bottle that night and I can’t even blame it on the roommates since I only let them each have the tiniest of sips.

Tonight after an even LONGER day at my internship I opened the Riesling.  While also yummy I may actually stop at one glass.  I think the Kerner was sweeter and apparently I like my wines sweet.

Ok onto the whining.  Still no job and still no unemployment benefits. Can you believe it! I wrote a very professional email asking for an update on the process since they told me a decision would be made in 6 weeks and it had been 10 at the time i wrote the email. I asked if they could estimate how much longer it would be before a decision was made and was told that 6 weeks was there estimate and that if I could provide them with an eviction notice they might be able to get me a decision quicker.

Seriously!? I’m not asking for a hand out I just want the money I paid into the system.  Isn’t that the reason we pay into unemployment? And I’m so sick of them telling me they are reviewing my availability to work full time.  I apply for more than the required 3 full time jobs a week.  I was working full time prior to the lay off.  Hmm seems to me I’m available for full time work!

As for the little bit of worry.  My son’s mom has changed her status to “saying a prayer” I dont know whats going on but I’m hoping her prayer is answered and that all is well.  And I’m trying to keep my overactive imagination in check…

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Homework Help…yet again

January 6, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Grad School, PhD program search, Think on it

It seems like I’m always asking you guys for something and this quarter is no exception.

A bit of background for those who don’t know. I’m currently in the second year of a three year Masters in Social Work program.  This quarter I am in a research class.  We have to spend the quarter writing a research proposal and literature review.  Next quarter we’ll actually have to complete the research project.

In class tonight the prof asked if any of us were considering applying to PhD programs.  Since I am he told me I should think about completeing something that would be publishable. Having a published paper would certainly help in the application process as I consider schools in the future.  So I spoke with him and let him know my area of interest is Adoption specifically birth parents.  He suggested I do something with birth parents and facebook but didn’t give me any more than those two words.

I’m not required to go with his suggestion although since his area of interest involves the internet and social work it may be wise to do something along those lines.  But I have this entire week to think about it and flesh it out before taking a first stab at it.  I have to turn in a paragraph about my topic next tuesdays January 13 at 6pm.

So between now and then help me out.  What do we want to know about birth moms.  Or perhaps the more important question is what do we want social workers to know about birth moms? If you have ideas that fall within the birth moms and internet/facebook idea the prof suggested great but if not I’d love to hear your input as well.

Once again thanks for all your thoughts and help!

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Another 2009 Goal

January 6, 2009 · Filed under Adoption, Holidays, family

I read a suggestion today about sending monthly letters to your (placed) child.  I think this is a great idea but perhaps a little ambitious for myself.  I have decided to take on this challenge but in a smaller, less overwhelming way.

I decided not to write a full letterbecause I dont’ think I’ll have enough to write that will be of interest to a seven year old so instead I will send a card with a note and perhaps stickers.  I may even heed this suggestion and add some photos of myself from time to time.

The other adjustment I’m making is I won’t be doing this every month.  It seems too overwhelming at this point to say I’ll send one every month.  I feel I will fail if I make the goal that rigid.  I’ve pinpointed some holidays I know I’ll be able to find cute cards for including Valentines Day (which also happens to be his half birthday), St Patricks Day, July 4th,  Halloween, and Thanksgiving  I also will send a card whenever I happen to find one that is cute or reminds me of him.  This looser schedule give me a lot less anxiety than trying to find the perfect card each month.

Perhaps I’ll work up to letters.  Perhaps I’ll work up to every single month.  Who knows. But right now its like What About Bob, “baby steps”.

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Childhood goal achieved

January 5, 2009 · Filed under family, sisters

BabySister and her new husband, SoldierBoy, and my niece, Nichte are all moving in with SisterFriend. Its actually a really good arrangement. It gets them out of my parents house but not too far from the family (ie the free babysitting).  It also helps SisterFriend out with the morgage payment.  Plus with this arragement as opposed to their other plan BabySister will have built in support when SoliderBoy deploys.

So as my soon to be ex-brother-in-law was moving his stuff out of the house I was helping SisterFriend rearrange to make room for her new housemates.  The biggest part of the move was relocating her library/office from upstairs to downstairs. It involved a broken desk and quite a few dents in the wall but also a lesson about some of the similarities my sister and I share.

As we moved boxes of books downstairs and unloaded them onto their bookshelves I kept noticing that we have many of the exact same books. For a few of them it was because they were my books that she’d borrowed but for too many to count it was just that we’d bought the same books.We laughed about how much money we’d both save if we could just learn to share.  We also laughed over which books we’d both enjoyed and which had been the hardest to get through (fyi neither of us are Oprah book club girls it turns out).

As I came to the boxes of history books I began grouping them sometimes by subject sometimes by decade explaining that she would have to re-organize them the way she wanted them.  She glanced over my shoulder for not more than a second and could articulate my grouping system, and liked it. She even knew why in the group of WWII books I had them in the order that I did (I didn’t want books like Anne Frank near books about Hitler so they were on opposite ends of the shelf ).

We have the same shoes, we have the same purses, we have the same books, and the same bizarre way of organizing.  Seems I’ve reached my childhood goal of being just like my sister.

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