November 30, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, family, venting
I just got a message on facebook from my son’s mother. Seems my ex (son’s first father) has used the contact info I passed on last month. I should be overjoyed. Its wonderful that Kidlet will have the opportunity to get to know things about that side of his biological family. Instead I’m jealous and feeling very territorial.
Ex had some very helpful things to contribute toward things going on with Kidlet these days. Seems kidlet is a lot like Ex. Instead of being grateful for the insight I’m on the verge of tears because it was insight I couldn’t provide.
I feel guilty for feeling jealous. What kind of horrible mother would begrudge her child the opportunity to have a connection with his father? What kind of horrible person would resent a man for reaching out to his son? I’ll tell you what kind, a horrible horrible person. Me.
November 30, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized
I wrote a post every day for the entire month of november. And I will never do it again. It was a good experience I’m glad I didn’t quit. From now on though I will only post if there is something post worthy going on.
Posting just for the sake of posting is a waste of my writing time and my readers’ reading time.
Oh and as for that extra reason I was thankful this thanksgiving. I am thankful that I’m single. Weird I know since usually the holidays make me all the more lonely. This year I spent some time remembering what it was like having to go to several houses all on the same day. His aunt’s house, his grandmother’s house, his dad and stepmom’s house, my parent’s house. It was all too much and so this year I was very thankful to only need to be in one place.
November 29, 2008
· Filed under dating, venting
Its 5am and I’m awake. If you know me then you know this is abnormal. So why am I awake? Because I got a text from the critic at 330. This one text, after no contact in about a year and a half turned into a text conversation and then to an actually conversation. (Note: I call him the critic because of his job not because he is critical of me-although now that I think about it, he is).
He says he texted me on a whim. The more I think about it I don’t believe that. He’s methodical, manipulative. He doesn’t do anything “on a whim”. He says he ran into someone who mentioned my name and thats why he texted me. He also said he’d seen on my myspace that I was dating my most recent ex, ITGuy (also nicknamed based on his job). And of course he asked me to invite him over.
The more I think about it the more it seems the first two were just a pretense for the third. While I do not doubt he ran into someone who mentioned me. While I do not doubt he wanted the dirt on ITGuy. I also do not doubt he just needed an excuse to try for the booty call.
I told him no.
And I’m proud of myself for that but at the same time extreamly disappointed in myself. I shoudn’t have spoken to him at all. I should have stopped the text conversation as soon as he told me it was him. I shouldn’t have answered his questions about ITGuy. And I most assuredly shoudln’t have left the metaphorical door open.
I shouldn’t have agreed that we should get together at some point “just for coffee or something to talk”. I know better.
And so here I am awake at 5am watching myself as I sit precariously close to the edge of reverting to old habits.
November 28, 2008
· Filed under venting
Thanksgiving with the family was bearable but I’m happy its over. Of course christmas is coming up but I have about a month to prepare myself for that.
We did the whole black friday thing today. We’ve been joining in on the chaos for about 4 years now. I know its doesn’t seem rational to wake up at 330am to go shopping but its kind of fun. We know there will be a ridiculous amount of people out, parking lots will packed, lines will be long, and we probably won’t get everything we’d hoped to. But as long as you go into it with those things in mind it doesn’t have to be stressful.
The problem comes when people forget those things. When they get hostile over parking spaces, throw punches or pull guns over sale items, or as was the case in one store this morning push down doors and trample people to death.
This may come off as mean but I hope each and every person who had any part in that stampede faces criminal charges. A man will never go home from work again because of some sale? Was it worth it? Was a deal really worth a man’s life? How is it a little price cut can cause adults to loose all sense of how to act in public. I’m disgusted and saddened.
Ps. I had one more I’m thankful moment I wanted to post about today but it will have to wait because right now…I just can’t find the words.
November 27, 2008
· Filed under family
Today I am thankful for so much but the first thought that popped into my head was, VODKA.
Oh yeah, I am thankful for Vodka. I know I sound like a lush right now but hear me out.
I love my family. They mean well. But they are still my family and I will try my hardest not to snap at them when they pry, criticize, and well just generally belittle me. And that is where vodka comes in. Yes I know the risk in “self medicating” but tonight (and all holidays) family harmony comes first.
And hey with vodka everyone’s happy because it automatically gives my father something else to criticize. Its a win-win.
this thanksgiving post is brought to you by katjamichelle’s twisted sense of humor. 
November 26, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized
I am thankful for my family. They aren’t perfect, but they are mine.
It usually takes some comparison to make people realize how good we have it. I’m no exception. Throughout my years working with at risk youth I’ve had many reasons to call and appologize to or thank my parents. Recently it was heart wrenching to watch my transitional housing clients make moving plans as our agency closed. What made it even worse was having to hear their families, their parents, had refused to take them in even temporarily.
Shortly after that my mom made a comment about how disfunctional our family was and I almost broke down in tears explaining to her that no, we are not disfuctional. Ok perhaps we are but in a wonderful kooky kind of way not in a ‘i dont care you are about to be homeless’ kind of way.
My parents have worked very hard my entire life to make sure I was taken care of. For most of my life Dad was a soldier but even after his “retirement” he was still one of the hardest working people I’ve ever met. Mom worked hard as a SAHM for awhile then after my sisters and I were all in school she found a job working outside of the home but still continued all the hard work at the end of the business day.
I wanted to be my older sister for as long as I can remember. Now I’m glad that she is not only my sister but my best friend also known as my SisterFriend. My younger sister and I have had more of a conflicted relationship but I love her anyway. We may never be the best of friends but she will always be my baby sister.
My soon to be 3 year old niece is pure joy even when she’s illustrating just what it means to be in the terrible twos.
My new brother-in-law, I’m so glad he has joined our family. He obviously truly loves my sister and niece. My sister has changed and matured so much recently, I dont know if that is his influence or just the natural process of her aging. Regardless I am thankful he is in their (and our) lives.
My son, the love of my life, the reason I still breathe. The happiest moments of my life have been with him. I will never forget the look on his face this summer as he announced who I was to his friend at the pool. I will always treasure the family picture he drew which included me. I am so thankful the kidlet is in my life.
M, J, and B. Not related to me by blood but my family none the less. My son’s parents and brother. I love each of them for so many reasons. I can’t even start to explain the connection I feel with each of them. (and seriously adoption community we need to figure out some terms to explain these relationships because while they are my son’s parents and brother they each share a relationship with me as well and I want a word to describe that damn it. )
I am so very thankful tonight, on the eve of Thanksgiving, for my family. I am very blessed.
November 25, 2008
· Filed under Unemployment
Today I am so very grateful for my severence package.
About 6 weeks ago when I packed up my office and bid my co-workers that final fairwell there was no guaruntee we’d be recieving a severence package. We knew our executive director wanted to be able to give us one but that it was up to the board of directors and of course how successful the agency was at liquidating it’s assets.
Yesterday on my way to my car I noticed a flat tire on my car. I put enough air in it to get to my internship. Today I was able to buy a new tire. Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping. I’m so excited to go grocery shopping. You have NO idea.
Its not a huge amount of money but it will help me get through until I either get unemployment or get a new job (keep your fingers crossed).
Today I feel incredibly thankful for my severence pay.
November 24, 2008
· Filed under Friends, Roommates
As it is thanksgiving week I will be posting about things in my life I am thankful for. Because ya know I do an awful lot of ranting and whining on this blog.
I am thankful for my roommates. I love my roommates.
I first met my roomates at work. L started at the group home about 6 months after I did and J followed soon after her. None of us were too sure of eachother. L thought I was intimidating and I thought she was WAY too quiet. But J decided we all needed to go out together. So we did. And then we continued every week.
L and I share a birthday. J and I are in the same co-hort at school and L is in the same program but a year behind us.
And now we all live together. And we all experienced the layoff together. And we’re all battling unemployment together. And job searching together.
You’d think all this togetherness would be tiresome. NOPE. I absolutely LOVE my roommates.
Without them, especially the last few months, I dont know what I’d do.
This is not to say I dont need my alone time. I do. But they GET that. I can be anti-social when I need to be and they let me be. And then when they see i’m getting a little too into my funk they drag me out.
When its 9o’clock on a friday night and I’m cranky and have been contemplating crawling into bed since 530 they drag me to a bar I haven’t been too since I was 21. And I’m quickly reminded of why I dont go there anymore but I’m also quickly entertained by all the crazy people who DO go there. And thats when I realize I needed that.
This thanksgiving I’m so very thankful for these two crazy chicks I live with. Oh and did I mention L cooks and bakes. YUM!
November 23, 2008
· Filed under Out and About, sisters
I just got back from the NKOTB concert. I have once again been reminded why SisterFriend is my favorite concert partner.
There were more men than I expected. Poor guys that had been dragged there by their female SOs from the looks on their faces.
Lady GaGa was the first opener and did a very short set. Oh and kept referring to us as being in Seattle. I’m not from here but but maybe this place is growing on me because at concerts I find myself very annoyed when artists call us seattle. WE ARE NOT SEATTLE.
Natasha Bedingfield also played a rather short set and although she did say Tacoma she added Seattle as well. Better than not saying Tacoma at all but really leave Seattle out of it.
Then the boys came on stage (btw they did not call us seattle once). They not only brought back the old tunes but they brought back the old dance moves as well. You remember them. The dorky, if they were a new group today they’d be laughed off stage dance moves complete with croch grabs. LOVED IT.
There was only one moment where I was annoyed by the new material, for the most part they mixed it nicely.
I’m going to bed now, we’ll see if I wake up in time to go to church tomorrow today.
November 22, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, family, sisters, therapy, venting
I’m torn right now between loyalty to my sisters and loyalty to myself. I know there is a way to reconcile this and be loyal to us all I just haven’t figured it out yet.
Both my sisters are going to become involved in the adoption world. Lets start with SisterFriend since her situation will probably be the easiest for me. She wants to adopt within the next few years. Probably internationally or foster to adopt. But deep down I wonder if she really want to do domestic and doesn’t say it because she thinks I’ll freak out.
I want to help her, I want to support her, but at the same time I want to throw up every time she mentions the A word.
And then there is my newly married BabySister. Her new husband wants to legally adopt her daughter. That is wonderful. My niece has never met her biological father. I won’t go into details to protect my sister and my niece’s privacy. The problem is I’m not sure he’ll consent to the adoption because even though I’ve never met the man everything I know about him shows him to be a very spiteful person.
Our state doesn’t have a putative father registry. Yes I checked and yes I am disappointed in myself. Since she has his contact info I dont think that would have worked anyway. I hate myself for trying to think up ways around his consent. But I’ll also hate myself if I dont try and help.
But maybe thats the problem. Neither of these situations is about me. Maybe this is a sign that its time to end my families co-dependant completely enmeshed existance and let my sisters navigate the adoption waters on their own.
But then is it really fair to watch your sisters enter a situation you have knowledge of (albeit limited knowledge because i’m NOT an expert on international or stepparent adoptions) and not provide them that knowledge?
I don’t know like I said, I’m torn.
