October 30, 2008
· Filed under Friends, sisters, venting
I don’t think I posted about my break up in August. I had my heart broken, but its on the mend. I lost a friend but I learned a lesson. Even though he is no longer my boyfriend and no longer my friend he is still very close with SisterFriend.
SisterFriend has me worried. She’s going through some things and seems okay on the outside but I think she’s really good at pretending to be okay. So I put aside my pride and attempted to contact the ex. To check in, to see if he’s seeing anything in my sister that I’m missing. To see if he thinks she’s okay.
And I hate myself now for being so stupid. Of course it looks like I’m pining. Of course I look pathetic.
But i hate him too. I’m worried about my sister and why cant he stop being a jerk for five seconds. Why can’t he see that somethings are more important than his decision to not speak for 6 months or longer and then see if we can be friends. I dont want to be your friend. I just want to know my sisters ok.
Without his take on her behavior I guess I just have to hope she opens up eventually. Or maybe she’s not pretending maybe she is ok.
October 23, 2008
· Filed under sisters
My sister is getting married. In a little over 2 weeks. And I just found out. From myspace.
BabySister and I have never been uber close. Not like SisterFriend and I have become, but we are getting closer so imagine my suprise this morning when I find out she’s ENGAGED.
I woke up this morning and came into the computer room to see if any new jobs had been posted over night. I checked myspace and saw BabySister’s boyfriend had friend requested me. I approved him and checked out his pages. There it was his status read “I’m getting married November 8th”.
EXCUSE ME! – I screamed causing my roommate to question question my sanity
The rage quickly subsided and gave way to tears. My baby sister was getting married and didn’t tell me.
They’ve been talking about marriage for awhile. A small court ceremony since his family is far away and won’t travel. A party afterwards. But they hadn’t become engaged so I figured it was one of those things that would happen eventually but not for awhile.
I called BabySister and left her a voicemail, she called back.
She had been planning to tell me in person the next time we saw eachother (which should be this sunday) She didn’t realize her boyfriend Fiance was going to friend me on myspace and spill the beans. She was pretty pissed she didn’t get to tell me. So like a good big sister I pretended I didn’t know and let her tell me. Not the same, for either of us, but it is what it is.
October 23, 2008
· Filed under Halloween, Politics, Unemployment
Today I learned that when I suddenly have extra free time (thanks to being laid off) but am sick and don’t feel up to leaving the house I can channel my bordom into creating a pretty awesome pumpkin.
This morning I heard about this fantastic website and since I had nothing else to do (since I had applied for the only job I could find that is even remotely in my field that I might be qualified for if the person reading my resume squints really hard) I decided to carve a pumpkin.
Of course my problem was I couldn’t decide on a stencil. I ruled out a few that I really wanted to do because lets face it no matter how much time I have I am not patient enough to carve Obama’s face on a pumpkin. Others I ruled out because they immediately brought racial slurs to mind even thought I KNOW that was not intended I just couldn’t choose those stencils.
However that still left me with way too many to choose from. I finally narrowed it down to 3 and decided “what the heck, its a big pumpkin”
The end result is
and
not the best pumpkin carving ever but definately my best work.
Just thought I’d share.
October 20, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Friends, Roommates
Once you share yourself with someone you loose control over that piece of yourself. Each person who knows about me as a birth mom now has control over that information. They can keep it to themselves or they can share it with whomever they deem fit.
I’d prefer they keep it to themselves. But thats not realistic. I’ve always requested that my friends not share my business with others. Not because I’m ashamed but because I guess I’m a control freak. I have wanted to control how that information is passed on. I wanted to pick the phrasing, the timing, and the people with whom it is shared. I can’t control everything. So I guess it comes down to giving up control or giving up my freedom.
I realized this weekend there are two types of people. When type one walks into our kitchen and sees the photos of me and my son baking they ask the question, “who’s that?”. When I smile and say, “my son” they take that answer combined with the public display of the photos as an invitation. An invitation to ask me about him. But more importantly an invitation into me.
When type two sees the same pictures, they ask the same question, and then they get the same answer. They however, dont see this as an invitation to ask me directly questions that they have. Instead they hastily change the subject and wait until I’m not around and then ask my roommate their questions.
I dont know what they asked. I dont know what she answered. All I know is I don’t like type two very much.
Can I get past it? Can I leave the photos on public display knowing that it will spark conversation behind my back among my roommates’ friends. I don’t know. Today all I want to do is take down every trace of him from every space except my bedroom. And at the same time I’m ashamed that I am even considering that.
October 12, 2008
· Filed under Friends, sisters
I can’t speak for everyone with sisters but for me it was a constant fight growing up. We were always at each others throats. I can’t think of anything we didn’t fight about. But at the same time I wanted to be my big sister and I would protect my younger sister with every fiber of my being. Of course at the time I wouldn’t admit that. As for as the average onlooker was concerned I hated them both.
I remember hearing repeatedly that I should just wait until we got older. They’d be my best friends I was told. I didn’t believe it. As we grew up I started to get along better with my older sister. Our fights got fewer and farther between. And somewhere in our early twenties we became best friends. SisterFriends we call it (a term I recently heard on a tv commercial and I think I deserve a royalty check).
Even after witnessing this transformaton between my older sister and myself I still didn’t believe I would ever be friendly wth my younger sister. I still wanted to protect her, I still loved her but I didn’t believe I would ever LIKE her. We would scream at eachother, I resented her entitled and mean spirited attitude. She knew exactly which buttons she could push to upset me and usually chose the ones about my son. There were plenty of nights where I would dream of having physical fights with her. Punching, throwing things, hair pulling. I’d wake up feeling better…until our next screaming session.
Things got mildly better after I moved out. We no longer had to see eachother every day and it helped. But she was not on the list of people I’d want to talk to if I had my choice and I even hoped she wouldn’t answer the phone when I called to speak to my parents.
Last month we all went on a family vacation. We didn’t scream at eachother. There were moments when she infurriated me (seems she still has some of that entitled attitude) but I handled it with a deep breath and a silent vow not to ruin the family vacation. Toward the end of the vacation we were alone and she confided that she’d been worried we were going to kill eachother. She was relieved we’d managed to co-exist. But more than that we’d actually been having fun together.
Tonight I sat around a table with both my sisters talking and laughing. We’re a far cry from the “best friends” so many people promised me over the years but I’m very happy we have eachother.
And maybe someday I’ll have two SisterFriends.
October 11, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Politics, Think on it
Yes, this is another post about safe haven laws. No, its not about Nebraska.
A woman near where I live was charged with abandoning her child. She gave birth and then took the baby to a church. She admits to having done this. The key is she thought the church was a legal safe haven site.
Now I’m not going to pretend this woman did everything right. I believe whole heartedly that if you are going to utilize safehaven, or any other law for that matter, you should do some research and make sure you know without a doubt your actions fall into those perameters.
But shouldn’t there be some way to make the details of the law known? I’m a bit of a policy nerd so I know the url to our state legislature website by heart. (ok I’m a HUGE policy nerd) This morning after reading the article I went to the website to find out what our state considers to be legal safe haven spots. Because as active I am in policy and adoption and even taking into consideration I wrote a paper on safe haven less than 1 year ago, I had no idea where one could legally take an infant to utilize the safe haven law.
Well the search by key word feature is down on the website and silly me I dont know the citation so can’t look it up by number. I googled and found a brief outline of our policy and link to the actual law. Unfortunately, the link didn’t work.
Based on what I found on various websites, which I cannot verify because I cant access the law. In my state the only legal safehaven locations are hospital ers and manned firestations. Ok those locations make sense but shoudln’t there be a way to make that information known?
I dont have an answer. I know we dont have the revenue to advertise the details of every law on the books. It just seems sad that this woman is being charged for something she thought was legal and in the best interest of her child.
October 11, 2008
· Filed under Friends, Roommates, venting
Sharing my space shouldn’t be such a foreign concept to me. I grew up in small houses and apartments with my parents and two sisters. While I usually had my own room I always shared a bathroom and everyother space in the house. When I finally moved out on my own I chose not to have a roommate. I got an apartment and learned to love my solitude. But I would get lonely and when I found two best friends throught work we started talking about moving in together. So eventually we did. And I love them, really, I do. But oh. my. goodness. I NEED SPACE!
I get home in a crappy mood I go straight to my room to curl up under the covers with a book. Ten minutes later my roommates get home having seen my car they yell up the stairs for me to stop being anti-social and come down to hang out. This in and of itself is not a big deal but its a repeated thing. Yes I admit I tend to isolate. Usually, however, its because I’m in a craptastic mood and don’t want to take that out on them and thus keep to myself. They see the craptastic mood and decide they can snap me out of it.
For the most part I love my roommates. But sometimes I wish I still lived in my overpriced apartment all by myself.
October 8, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Think on it, venting
I’ve been super busy recently and neglectful of my blog. I keep realzing my neglect and swearing that tomorrow or next week I’ll be more attentive. Somehow tomorrow or next week are always the same. I jot down notes on topic I want to address but days pass and I dismiss my notes as outdated and no longer worthy of posting. One of the topics I keep meaning to address s the Nebraska safe haven law.
I read about it; was aghast; jotted down notes; got distracted. BUT THEN people started actually utilizing the law and I thought. “Oh I guess I can make that post afterall” but again I got distracted. And then the sibling group was abandoned. And once more distraction. But now children are being imported from other states so that their parents can take advantage of Nebraska’s stellar law.
Wow Nebraska you should be so proud for being on the cutting edge (full snark intended).
I’m not an expert on Nebraska but in my state I know of several services parents can turn to if they are having a challenging time. Services range from in home family counseling to the ability to file an At risk youth petition which would court order your child to obey rules follow curfew etc and allow you to file contempt charges if the child doesn’t follow through. I know teens are challenging. I know I was challenging. I have worked with some of the most challenging teens there are while they were recieving behavior rehabilitation services at a residential center. I get that parents may get overwhelmed at times. BUT THATS NOT THE INTENT OF SAFE HAVEN LAWS.
I’ll admit safe haven laws don’t really do what they were intended to do. They were created as a way to hopefully stop those mothers who leave their infants to die after birth. Instead they give a totally different set of women a way to relinquish their children with anonymity. Not their original intent but still a far cry from allowing parents to get rid of unruly teens.
Oh and the whole point of safe haven laws is that a parent can utilize them and not face abandonment charges well that also may change in Nebraska
a spokeswoman for the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services, said that despite the safe-haven law, the state could seek to press other charges, including child neglect charges, against those that abandon children.
ahhh good ol Nebraska
October 7, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Grad School
Thank you the those who have emailed me pictures for use in my class presentation. Last week after class I posted while in a very excited frame of mind (yep I’m a huge dork who gets excited about class projects). I actually hadn’t thought much about the project or the post since then due to a bunch of craptastic happenings in the other areas of my life. I was reminded of my project yesterday when I saw I’d actually received a response and today when I went back to class.
For those of you who didn’t see my shameless begging last week aI will reiterate my request. This time a little more coherent. I’m also going to post elsewhere and see if I get any responses that way.
I am working toward my masters degree and this quarter one of our assignments is to create (on paper) our ideal agency and then present it to the class as if we were trying to win grant money. My agency is an options counseling agency. It is an agency that is not funded by adoptions or abortions. It is one that can give honest information about ALL of a woman’s options. It is also an agency that offers support. I for one have searched for birth parent support groups and in my area none exist even being willing to drive about 30 minutes in any direction doesn’t help my search. This agency I’m creating would have unplanned pregnancy support groups, abortion support groups, parenting support groups, and first parent support groups.
The challenge is in explaining why these services are needed. I have already been told by one professor that these services are not needed when explaining what type of work I wanted to do when looking for an internship. My classmates know my status as a first mother but I need to show them it’s not only me. My thought- well actually it’s a thought I stole- is to have pictures of first mothers on the screen as I talk. To show that unplanned pregnancy happens to a lot of different types of people. To show that there is a need for unbiased options counseling.
So if you’d like to help me (and I’m begging here) please please please email me a picture of yourself with or without your placed child at therapyisexpensive@hotmail.com
Oh and while I’ve been thinking about this for a week now I’m still not sure exactly how I’ll put it together so if you feel comfortable please include some information about yourself.
Oh and the only people who will see this are my 17 classmates and 1 professor.
And thanks again for the help!! I really really appreciate it.
