August 15, 2008
· Filed under Friends, Race, venting
A vast majority of my friends come from families who don’t exactly embrace diversity. It never really bothered me before. I figured that since they were my friends, they obviously weren’t racist and therefore didn’t really focus on the feelings of their family members.
Well now it’s starting to bother me.
All day today I haven’t been able to shake an encounter with my best friend’s mom that occurred about 3 years ago. A football player was on tv and best friend’s mom suggested I track him down and get him to marry me. I told her I didn’t think I’d give up on my (at the time) significant other just yet but suggested cute football player for best friend. i dont remmeber the exact response but it was something to the effect of “We dont want best friend dating a black man” or “we don’t believe in interracial dating”
I remember making some lame attempt and conversation after that but really what could I say. Me, the black chick in their home. The product of an interracial relationship.
Now I’m not judging this family based on one sentence uttered years ago. I have also witnessed many anti-Asian statements from best friend’s dad. Always dismissed by best friend as a result of his having served in the war…(I’m not sure which one at the moment and think it bad form to ask best friend at the moment). I have addressed this with best friend but never with her parents.
Well today best friend and I hand a conversation which made me think perhaps she’s got a bit of a closed mind as well. Not to the extent that I think she is racist. I think she is VERY ethno-centric — nothing like an olympics to bring up your worldview. I tried challenging her preconceptions. I said point blank several times that she was judging others by our cultural standards and that others find fault with the U.S. when we’re viewed by their cultural standards. Just because we are used to something being done a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the only way for it to be done. But I don’t think she’s budged.
Then there is roommate. Roommate is from a small town in a neighboring state. I’ve only been half joking when I tell her I would not be comfortable visiting her hometown. She tried to assuage my fears by telling me about the 3 other blacks who live in her town. Hmm 3 eh? Nope, SO not going there. Each time she returns home with a story about what “hilarious” thing was said by her grandparents or aunts etc. Only they arn’t always hilarious. Ok actually they are hilarious. But only because I’m here safe in my house when I think about the fact that soon I may be in that small town with roommate…well not so funny anymore. Frightening would be a better word.
Last example I’ll give is classmate (yeah I know I’m so very creative with the nicknames tonight). Classmate is also from a small town. And thank goodness her family has moved from that town because I do not believe I’d be able to visit there with her either. However, she is in a serious relationship. I could be expected to attend or even be in a wedding fairly soon. Which means interacting with (or at least being in the same room with) her extended family. Including the grandfather who asked her “you dont live near any blacks do you?” Now classmate, she’s actually the least worrisome to me because she will call her grandfather on his stuff. Nevermind that its her grandfather. Her response is “Yes grandpa there are blacks that live near me and Asians and Hispanics and all sorts of people” and when he starts talking about how horrible black people are she counters with “well there are bad white people and bad people of all colors” and is cut off by her uncle who says “and I’d rather have a black neighbor than a racist asshole” I fell in love with her uncle when her boyfriend retold this story to me.
I’m not listing these things to berate my friends. I love them and I know they are good people. But based on my conversation with best friend I’ve just been thinking. It just sucks to have to be so aware of the viewpoints of my friends families. It sucks to always have to be on my best behavior so I don’t live up to some negative view they may have.
I dont know if this post has a point. I’m just needed to get some things out.
August 15, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Grad School, venting
As I’ve mentioned before I am currently working toward my MSW. In addition to course work right now I’m also in my foundation practicum placement. As a part of the internship all my classmates and I get together sporadically with a professor to process how things are going. This week we each presented a short case from the field and discussed/ got feeback for how we could proceed with the cases.
The focus of the program is children youth and families so it is no huge surprise that a lot of my classmates are doing their practicum in CPS, or other foster care related sites, but for some reason Thursday all the lingo was getting to me. Ok well it wasn’t just some random reason I know why i was uber sensitive. Thursday was my son’s birthday.
So there we are presenting cases and words like “birth parent”, “bio family”, “foster adopt”, “relinquishment”, “adoption disruption” keep hitting me upside the head like a ton of bricks.
I wanted to stop them and scream at them. I wanted to give them a lesson in the correct way to use the words they were tossing about.
A parent who’s child is in foster care is often referred to as a birth parent. However, in adoption circles we reserve that term for those who have already relinquished their parental rights (or had them terminated). The parents my classmates were talking about still had their parental rights. So then what do we call them? We as professionals have to have a way to distinguish between parties. Perhaps its just parents and foster parents, but in a system that is SO anti-birth parent will it ever be possible to get them to refer to the parents as just parents while still putting a qualifier on the foster parent?
My second annoyance was the need to shorten everything. Really is time at such a premium that it takes too long to say “biological” must it be shortened to “bio” and really if I hear you say “bios” instead of “biological family” again I may smack you. It’s ridiculously disrespectful.
August 13, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized
Yes, it’s worse than a train wreck. TG doesn’t exaggerate the acting is that BAD. and still I watched yet another episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Ugh I hate to admit that. This episode got me thinking. Well to be honest it got me rolling my eyes but that eventually led to thought.
In the show a 15 year old is pregnant. She’s in high school, thus her pregnancy is the juiciest bit of gossip. And trust me I just love how teen ptrenancy automatically means it’s ok for everyone to force their opinions on the pregnant person. And thats pretty accurate. i was pregnant in high school. I was told what I should and shouldn’t do on almost a daily basis by my peers. But what got me is that even parents of characters who arn’t even really affected by the pregnancy are tossing their opinions out there. (lets look past the eye roll demanding scene where a father and brother are sitting with two high school girls discussing the pregnancy gossip because yeah every teen i know loves to dish that stuff with their dad)
So the grown man finds it necessary to declare what the “best possible decision” would be. now i”m sure ya’ll can guess what that is but let me share it with you anyway.
The best possible decision would be for (sorry I cant remember their names) to find a loving family to adopt the baby so when the baby grows up he or she can be grateful to both of them for providing a family that has two adults hat can actually take care of him or her
Wow so much to hate in such a small statement. Hmmmm where to begin.
Well there is the neon flashing sign pointing at the word grateful so why not begin there. Adoption does not equal grateful adoptee. Some oppose adoption with every fiber of their being. Some wish they’d been raised by their birth/first parent(s) despite whatever reason they were relinquished. Some wish they’d been aborted rather than adopted.
Then there’s the “loving family” part because obviously unplanned = unloved
and the “two adults” part because duh its no longer the “best possible decision” if they were to go the adoption route but choose a single parent.
Ok so even though that line pissed me off that really wasn’t my point. my point was: WHY IS A GROWN MAN JOINING HIS TEEN DAUGHTER AND HER CLASSMATE IN GOSSIP?
Why didn’t the parent who is a holier than thou chrisitian say “that is so-and so’s business” or tell his daughter not to gossip.
Were the paretns of my classmeates discussing me with my peers or amongst themselves? The whole scenario seems to outlandish, until i think back…
It was senior year and Parents of graduating seniors was selling tickets to the grad party cruise. One approached me and I told her I wasn’t interested she asked me why and I said “because the entire point of graduating is to get away from the people I go to school with who have made the last four years of my life hell, including your daughter, and I woudl hate to be trapped on a boat with them all night, Oh and at that point I’ll be about six months pregnant being on a boat probably won’t help my nausea.”
So yeah, the parents of my classmates probably were talking about me…
