June 23, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, venting
He loves the water and swims like a fish. His favorite color is red. He won’t eat a sandwich unless its made with a certain type of bread. He loves his little brother but gets frustrated by him easily. He’s sensitive about the neighborhood kids leaving him out or seemingly telling secrets. He wants everything to be fair but cheats at Uno and checkers and monopoly junior and i suspect other games. He gets embarrassed easily. He still lets his mom hug and kiss him in public and likes to curl up in her lap on the couch. He loves sports especially Tae Kwon Do. He’s goofy and spirited. He’s gotten so tall (which I have no idea where he gets that from). His once bright blue eyes which the doctors expected to fade by 6mo, then 1 year then 18mo well it took almost 7 years but now they are green.
I know all that and more about him and yet, my son and I are strangers.
He barely remembered me from my last visit. While he did warm up to me more quickly than last time we had the type of interactions a child has with a friend of his parents. Actually no more like an acquaintance of his parents-I’ve seen how he interacts with their friends and they get hugs. Thats right I have never been hugged by my son. NEVER. It makes me sad to admit that but its true. And I can understand it, it just makes me sad.
I blame myself for not being able to have more visits. If I’d found a way to visit more I wouldn’t be such a stranger. I mean dont get me wrong. He knows who I am he made that very clear during the visit (more on that in another post) but interacting with an actual real life person whom you know as concept and picture well thats not so easy for a kid. I could play semantics and say I have visited him at the age of 4,5, and 6 which is true because my first visit in 2006 straddled his birthday which means covered him as a 4 year old and a 5 year old and even though he’s not quite 7 it’s only a few months away which means instead of the 3 visits in 6 years which only looks semi pathetic I’ve really only visited twice in 7 years. I simply can’t afford more. I work for a small struggling non-profit I’ve had tuition then student loan payments now tuition again not to mention rent and all life’s other bills. And so I’m a stranger to my son.
Do you know what its like to sit next to your child and want more than anything to wrap your arms around him but not be able to? To have an urge to kiss the top of his head? To comfort him when he’s upset or when he trips hurts himself? To have to fight every maternal instinct in your body for 10 days. Its emotionally exausting.
And then to have your father be disappointed because you didn’t bring home any perfect pictures of you and him. Well it took some time for him to even be comfortable being in a picture with me and even then only if we were goofing off so while you dont think the pic of us with tongues out is frame worthy, dad, its my favorite from the trip. And really if you want to complain about it perhaps you should pay for my airfare so I can visit more often so I’m not a stranger to my son so he feels comfortable being around me. And then maybe one day I’ll get a hug.
June 23, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, venting
I’m back from my visit, I’ve been back now for 13 hours and still no luggage. Yep my suitcase was lost…oh I’m sorry DELAYED. The last thing I needed to hear after 8 hours of travel and being all kinds of emo after my visit is that my bag was not on my flight. After all I got to my layover and got on my plane and then SAT THERE for an extra 20 minutes so that other connecting flights could get there and yet my bad didn’t make it on the plane. Oh fabulous and its ok airline representative don’t bother to sound the least bit apologetic. After all its not like I’ve been inconvenienced. Oh and then when you say the bag will arrive by 930pm and will be delivered to me and its not here by 11 so i check the website your provided me and it says it’s not accessible so i dial the 800 number and it keeps cutting out yeah good times. So finally at 6am i check again and it’s arrived at the airport but still hasn’t been delivered. Yep puts me in a crazy good mood. Did i mention I’m all kinds of emo already well guess what this is not helping!
Tomorrow or later today I will write about the fabulousness that was my visit right now I obviously need to vent.
June 9, 2008
· Filed under Adoption
I have a visit starting on Thursday. Thursday at 4 am I will head to the airport and board a plane for the other (and lets face it inferior) coast. (only kidding all you east coasters ). I will spend 10 days with my son and his family. Half of it at their house the other half at the beach. A drastic change from the doom, gloom, and rain I’m experiencing now. I’m excited and a bit apprehensive (as i always am before a visit). I dont know if I’ll have any internet access while I’m gone but regardless there will be many stories when I return.
PS please can no other blogs disappear while I’m gone…it would be much appreciated.
June 8, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized
Not really sure what to say. Two of the blogs I read on a daily basis are gone. I’m sad. Sadder than I should be about a couple of blogs. But they’re more than just a couple of blogs. I’ll miss you.
June 6, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Work, venting
I have to go to work in a few minutes but first I need to get this out. Since I’m writing in a rush there will be no time for editing so I apologize in advance for typos etc.
I am so ANGRY with my clients. I work at a small non-profit agency that offers transitional housing to pregnant and parenting young women 16-25. Many programs for pregnant women end services at or shortly after birth, not us. You have 2 years to take advantage of this opportunity. 2 years where you dont have to stress out about where you’ll live. All you have to do is follow some simple rules and attend EITHER work or school at least 20 hours a week. And for our pregnant/parenting clients we encourage school to be that activity.
And yet they can’t do it! they WONT do it! They break the silliest rules they put their housing at risk they repeatedly make the same poor decisions and then I have no recourse left. I want to scream at them If i’d known about this program and been lucky enough to have been offered a spot in it I would have followed these rules and so much more to have been able to parent my son. If I’d have had the chance you have right now I’d have given up so much to keep the one thing that actually matters. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING!!! Ok so adoption is no where in there minds but is sleeping in your car with a one year old really better than not being allowed to have alcohol in your apartment (you can still drink just not at the apartment). Is being evicted with no where to go better than repeatedly missing curfew without leaving a message for your cm to let her know you’ll be taking a pass. (again they can sleep elsewhere they just have to communicate)
So yeah Im angry that they aren’t taking advantage of this opportunity and i’m jealous that they have this opportunity and ya know what its good that today all case managers meet with the clinical supervisor because damn I need it. Maybe i’ll bring up my feelings and see if there is a constructive way to communicate with the clients about how lucky they are to have this opportunity.
k now that this has been let out i gotta go to work
