May 18, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, dating
Boyfriend and I had a serious conversation this weekend. Even more serious than when we decided to be exclusive. He had some concerns about my seeming obsession with adoption and my relinquished son. While the wording wasn’t eloquent, some of the phrases would have made me cringe in any other setting, the sentiment was so real. He wasn’t judging me. It was so obvious he was worried about me. That he cares about me.
He also mentioned being concerned about children we may have together in the future. Will I be so hung up on my relinquished son that it would be detrimental to future children?
And I tried to explain that its not obsession its just part of my life. That while I’m between therapists at the moment but I’ve shared his concern and won’t let it happen. That through blogland I know it is possible to have relinquished a child and parent subsequent children and to love them all.
I’m not sure I did a fantastic job of explaining but I think I did all right for now. The next day I came across Paragrahein’s post and found words I wish I’d had at the time. I wish I’d been able to explain that I’ll never just “move on” but I am continuously, “moving forward with the loss”.
May 18, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized
Did you know we once had all the power? Ok stop laughing and let me explain. You see according to the afore mentioned blog site prior to finalization we first parents had all the power.
How I can see how to non-first parent eyes it may look like that but from where I sit I don’t remember ever holding all the power or even a majority of it. Agencies/facilitators do a lot to ensure we don’t feel powerful. If we had power we might decide to parent…Can’t have that.
I found a post quite by accident that illustrates my point. A potential adoptive couple posted that their agency has given the birth mother 2 weeks to decide between them and one other couple.
Yep she’s got a whole hell of a lot of power in that situation.
Now admittedly I don’t have all the info. Perhaps she’s been given more than two families and has of her own accord narrowed it to these two. But regardless of how many couples she’s looked at the time limit is WRONG. Maybe she’s been trying to decide for a month, or years, or eons I DON’T CARE. Telling her she has to choose in two weeks in wrong. Perhaps her inability to choose is a hint she’s not ready to relinquish her rights or maybe neither couple is a good match.
May 18, 2008
· Filed under Adoption
A discussion topic raised on the blog site asked the question “how much say should a birth parent get in how a child is raised” (I’m paraphrasing) Most responses were outrage that the first parents would presume to voice an opinion and thus turn the adoptive parents into glorified babysitters. After all if we wanted a choice we should have parented.
I think the point was missed.
Mothers considering adoption should be given more information when selecting parents for their child. They should be encouraged to ask the important questions even if they may be uncomfortable questions. And adoptive parents should answer those questions honestly.
Two examples were given one of wanting the child be raised vegetarian and the other of being anti-immunizations.
It was asked would the adoption be over turned if the child ate a hotdog or if the child developed a medical condition and was immunized to save his/her life.
My answer is of course not, but again I think the point was missed.
If a family is vegetarian and knows the mother placing with them is doing so for this reason (or that its high on her list of reason) they should feel obligated to impart these values onto the child. If the child rebels and choose to eat meat at some point, it happens. If the family grows and evolves over time and no longer adheres to strict vegetarianism or even vegetarianism at all such is life. But I would hope the child would still be taught that her/his first mother wanted that life, those values for him/her.
The same with immunization. Don’t tell a woman you don’t believe in something if its not true. If after time your views change or circumstances change ok fine. We first parents are reasonable people (there are exceptions as with any group of people) we’ll understand. I’m not saying you need to ask our permission but especially if it’s an open adoption let us know. A simple “we’ve decided to do ___, because of ___” would be awesome.
If you don’t will the adoption be overturned? No but I’m not focused on legalities I’m focused on common decency.
May 18, 2008
· Filed under Adoption
In the recent past I referred to a new(ish) forum site I’d begun frequenting. Well the forums are now gone and what remains are daily blogs by a group of adoptive mothers and from what I have seen one adoptee and one first mother also sporadically fill the guest blogger spot. What gets me is how this site can claim to be “adoption from every angle, every view, for everyone”.
Since my last mention of the site they have posted polls to gain demographic information on their visitors. Only one person (read: me) self identified as a “birth family” member and only 4 people (that’s me plus 3) identified their connection to be domestic adoption while more than half the users chose international adoption. So really, every view? Seems like perhaps the tagline should read ‘international adoption with a smattering of some other stuff as window dressing.
May 17, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Think on it, venting
I’m so sick of the word selfish. It pops up so often in adoption forums and blog comments that it really is cliche. If people insist on continued use of the word then I propose they need to get together and decide what it means and which decision it applies to.
I’ve read that considering abortion while facing an unplanned pregnancy is selfish.
I’ve been told that considering parenting while facing an unplanned pregnancy is selfish.
And now it turns out that relinquishing parental rights and choosing adoption is selfish.
So here’s the problem if all the possible outcomes of a situation are selfish then really how can being selfish be negative? How can there be NO unselfish option and yet still the word selfish is thrown about like a scarlet letter?
May 16, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Grad School, dating
There have been so many things that have caught my eye recently. So many things I’ve been itching to respond to. Things from life, things from blogs, things from forums. I just haven’t had time. This quarter has been kicking my butt. Tuesday I did my half hour presentation in one class and Thursday I gave an hour presentation in the other and so tonight I have some time to write. I will be taking the train up to the city to spend some quality time with boyfriend and during that hour (ish) on the train I will be writing. And then tomorrow after the farmers market I will post.
On a side note I just looked back at what I’d typed and it sounds like I live in the middle of nowhere and am taking the train to civilization lol. Oh well
May 11, 2008
· Filed under Adoption, Friends
Yesterday did not go according to plan. I’d given myself permission to cry, to grieve, to eat ice cream from the container and to stay in my pjs all day. I didn’t cry once. Not once. I got dressed and went to lunch with the boyfriend, I went shopping with my sister (and didn’t over spend on needless things) and then I went with the boyfriend to a bbq. The host started mentioning children and I claimed my son, out loud on mothers day weekend. And between politics the hostess and I discussed pregnancy experiences and birthing stories…just like a real mom. At first when I said “i have a 6 1/2 year old” the boyfriend said “she kinda has a..” I cut him off and said “I have a 6 1/2 year old he doesn’t live with me but he is my son” and another party goer asked “did he come out of you” I said yes and was met with an “ok then” It was nice for a stanger to affirm my motherhood.
Boyfriend and I were never alone and when we left the bbq went in separate directions but I will talk to him about the “sort of” comment. He didn’t say it to be callous, this I know. When people ask if I have children I usually jump right into the explaining piece. So he was taking his cue from me. But this time, on mothers day weekend. I needed to claim my son, out loud, without qualifier. AND IT FELT GOOD. (Although now that I think about it I guess a qualifier was added by me saying he doesn’t live with me. )
I scared though. I didn’t cry yesterday. I was hoping to get it out of the way so today I wouldn’t feel the need to. I don’t want to break down at my parents house. Well perhaps I still will be able to keep it together…at least until I get home.
Oh and we arn’t going out for breakfast this year so no need to demand a rose. But if my favorite lilac tree in my parents yard is in bloom I will bring some of those home for myself to put on my kitchen table.
Oh and I’ve already gotten 2 happy mothers day texts plus two comments online. Mothers day is definitely starting off alright.
May 7, 2008
· Filed under Adoption
It is that time of year again. Questions about Birth Mother’s Day are popping up all over the blogs and forums. In the past I haven’t really acknowledged Birth Mother’s Day. It hasn’t really been on my radar. But this year I’m going to attempt to use it to my advantage.
No I won’t be celebrating, because what is there possibly to celebrate? My plan is to use it as a day of mourning. A designated day where I can cry as much as I need to. I can not get dressed all day and I won’t make any plans to leave my apartment. I give myself permission to eat ice cream from the container and I don’t have to answer the phone if I don’t feel like it.
My hope is that by mourning on saturday I will be able to have a happy Mother’s Day. I want to be able to wish my mom and (younger) sister a happy mothers day with a genuine smile on my face. I want to be able to make it through the day without having to excuse myself to cry silently in the bathroom. And I also want to claim my motherhood. When we go out to breakfast and they offer my mother and sister roses I want to declare “I am a mother too”. (not sure I’ll do that but I want to)
So in answer to all the questions all over the web, Do I plan on celebrating birth mothers day? Only if crying is your idea of a celebration.
