Therapy Is Expensive

I went to my son’s father mother’s myspace page today.  Yes I know thats complicated.  Let me explain.  I am putting together a scrapbook for my son.  His parents have been asking for family info for awhile.  The info beyond whats they got prior to adoption.  So I’m putting it together.  I have a few photos of my son’s first dad but practically none of his family.  So I went to the myspace page of my ex’s (step) mom.  Now usually I wouldn’t do that but well I decided my son having pictures of the paternal side of his family is more important than my pride so I copied a picture so I can include it.  By the way the only reason I even know she has a page is because SHE messaged me on there so technically she opened that door.

So why am I angry?  Well if you were to judge just by the pictures on her page you wouldn’t know my ex exists.  He’s her step son but she’s really the only mother he’s ever known.  And no they havn’t always gotten along and I don’t know how their relationship has been since he and I went our separate ways but seriously.  He’s not in ANY of the pictures.  None of him with his father.  None of him with his brothers.  And less surprisingly none with him and his mom.   It just made me angry.  I dont know anything beyond the myspace page so maybe i’m reading too much into it but it just made me mad.

My parents liked Juno. Now I know I wasn’t too harsh in my review because after all it is just a movie. But after hearing my parents sing it’s praises I felt sick. I felt as if they’d slapped me in the face or perhaps kicked me when I was already down. I don’t know it just really affected me to hear how they enjoyed it and they weren’t disappointed at all.

I also wasn’t disappointed, it’s hard to be disappointed when you go in with such low expectations. But while the film met my expectations it didn’t live up to my hopes. And for my parents who have seen me struggle for the past 6 ½ (almost) years to speak so highly of the film it made me question whether they’ve really seen anything I’ve gone through. Do they even realize that the industry this film glorifies is why they’re first born grandchild lives 3000 miles away.

Really Dad it’s not disappointing? Not even a little? Seriously Mom it was a “cute” movie? I want to scream. But I didn’t. I sat there bewildered not speaking not questioning just sitting wishing I hadn’t asked what they’d thought when I learned they’d gone to see it.

I went to see the movie alone, so subsequently my best friend when with someone else at a later date. I feel bad that I didn’t go. I feel like they missed out by not having me there to comment. I feel like everyone who sees it should be required to go with a first mother (although I realize that would subject us to seeing it many times). I feel like after the movie they should have to listen to us talk (I almost said there should be discussion but that would just lead to arguments and I think in this case they should just listen to us speak uninterrupted.) I feel like our blogs should be required reading.

I know none of that is possible I just so badly want to cancel out that statement. I hear the voice of Juno saying, “But, uh ah, I’m going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they’re going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.” I want to shout NO YOU CANT.