October 30, 2007
· Filed under Adoption
Somewhere out there is another person who relates. Whose own life is remarkable similar to mine. I’ve spent a great deal of time believing the only person who could possibly understand how I feel is my ex. After all he loves our son as much as I do. He lost as I did (do). He mourns as I do. It was this common bond that made me cling to a dying relationship and then a dead relationship. And even now, knowing how much better I am without that relationship I wish to speak to him again because he KNOWS.
But today I desire to speak to someone else who KNOWS. There is a woman who gave birth in Colorado about 2 ½ years ago. A woman who chose adoption for her 3rd (I believe) child, a little boy. A woman who decided that she didn’t want post placement contact. That is the woman I seek.
I love reading about all the other women in the adoption community. Adoptees, mothers (first/birth and chosen/adoptive) but today I yearn to speak to this specific woman; she is the mother of my son’s brother. I want to know her. I want to speak with her. I know our journeys aren’t the same but the fact that our sons share the same parents gives a connection (in my eyes) that I want to explore.
I don’t know anything about her but I feel like we should talk.
Maybe I’m imagining bonds where there aren’t any. I do that (ask my ex boyfriend).
October 30, 2007
· Filed under Adoption, Think on it
Recently I was (we were) reduced to a “birth lady” and in the outrage the term “adoptive caregiver lady” was born. Tonight in class (yes while I should have been studying/listening/taking notes) my thoughts went the other way.
Before I begin let me preface this by saying I KNOW this doesn’t apply to all situations.
I believe I may start referring to my sons (other) parents as his “chosen parents”. At first glance this will ruffle some feathers so let me explain. I use the word chose not because I think at some point prior to birth my son chose them and not because some higher power/being chose them but because I chose them. Again I know this doesn’t fit everyone’s situation but it fits mine. I chose these people to parent my child. They are his chosen parents.
If we as a group want to be more than “birth ladies”, and we do, or more than birth mothers, as some of us do then shouldn’t adoptive parents also be given a title that holds the same respect.
I know some people don’t mind the title adoptive. And some of us don’t mind the title birth. But to me adoptive mother seems cold. Perhaps that’s why I don’t usually use it. In my real life I usually just say mother. I don’t think saying “my son’s mother” is confusing. After all if I were talking about myself wouldn’t I just say “ME”. But sometimes the distinction is necessary and so at those times M has been called his adoptive mom and will be now called my son’s chosen mom.
Now that I think about it we’ve never had the language/title discussion. It’s never been an issue I think I’ll email her and see if she has a preference.
What do you think readers (there are a few of you right?) Any opinions?
October 26, 2007
· Filed under Out and About
well at least I hope not.
I am leaving in just a minute to have a first date with a friend. While I’m freaking out about many other things one of them is NOT what to say when he struggles for small talk and asks..”so got any kids”
more later.
October 23, 2007
· Filed under Adoption, venting
I try not to take offense but right now I literally feel sick to my stomach. Apparently all I am is a birth lady. When someone refers to me as a birthmother I rarely feel slighted although when I type it I prefer it to be two words. When someone says I “gave away” my son I tend to believe there is no ill intention just lack of education on the topic.
Maybe I’m naive but I like to believe the best of people. But there is no deluding myself whoever this woman is, she is purposefully trying to hurt others. She’s an adoptee as well as an adoptive care-giver lady so that gives her a right to label an entire group of people according to her beliefs. I think she has unresolved anger toward her birth/first mom and deals with it by taking away the title of mother from all birth/first moms.
Like I said, I feel sick to my stomach. On top of that I feel like crying. I’m not sure why after all I don’t know this person. Her beliefs shouldn’t affect me. But they do. They make me sad.
I thought people were supposed to be more enlightened in 2007.
Here’s hoping for 2008.
October 23, 2007
· Filed under Race, Think on it
While reading Paragraphein’s post on “birth ladies” *gag* (re: the term not the post) I started thinking. Well I started thinking a lot actually about how awful that term is but thats for another post this one is about racism.
Paragraphein likened “birth lady” to a racial slur and listed off some fairly common slurs: WOP, oreo, white trash, pancake (ok so not so common but I’d heard it before) and of course the n-word. She didn’t spell it out she simply said “n-word”. My question is why.
I’m not trying to pick her apart she’s not the only one that does this I’m just using this specific instance as an example. All too often in conversation people say ugly things but this one this “n-word” is often only alluded to. I do get that it’s a word with a history. That it’s offensive. Trust me as someone who’s been called the n-word out of hate it makes my skin crawl to hear it. But why is it ok to say other racial slurs by way of example and still this one is still the “n-word”
If we were having a conversation where bitch is the b-word and cunt is the c-word etc it would fit. But again why when we say all the others, why is it still the n-word. So maybe the key isn’t to spell it out (or say it) maybe it’s to change the way the other slurs are presented. I dont know. All I know is it made me think. So here I am asking you to do the same. Just think on it. (and if you come up with a brilliant answer, leave me a comment.)
October 14, 2007
· Filed under Friends
So I took a break from my paper writing to go see a play with a friend last night. Much fun was had and we ended up back at my favorite bar with a couple of my friends.
Oh did I forget to mention that this was a male friend whom I might have slightly more than friendly feelings toward?
Well after a few drinks I sure didn’t forget to mention those slightly more than friendly feels to him.
AWKWARD
Oh and by the way he’s a friend I met through my sister since he’s her BEST friend. See those slightly more than friendly feelings were never supposed to be veralized. EVER. The good news is she’s my nice sister, the one who likes me. Maybe she’ll over look it… or maybe I could just ask him to pretend the conversation never happened.
October 13, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
Who ever happened across my blog while searching for “birthmother support groups washngton” I too have been trying to find a support group. If you come back and see this leave me a comment perhaps we can start our own. Of if you have better luck than i did leave me a comment so I know where I should have been looking.
October 12, 2007
· Filed under Adoption, Grad School
Well I got that last paper done and turned in and as predicted I found my copy of the article the next morning. typical.
Today I am working on a different paper for a different class. Since I’m not in time crunch over stressed procrastinator mode I am over thinking it. The paper is taking ecological perspective and systems theory and applying it to ourselves. It’s kind of a fun way to make sure we get the concepts. But like I said I’m over thinking it.
School has only been in session for about 2 weeks. I only have this class once a week. Thats only 2 class sessions to get to know this prof. She seems great…but…I just dont know how much I want to share. The first component of this assignment is to create an ecomap based on me. (an ecomap is a diagram of a person and all the people/systems that person is connected to) Then we are to take our ecomap and explain it in terms of the perspective to show we have a grasp on the subject.
It’s funny there has been much discussion of family trees and children touched by adoption (both placed children and siblings of placed children) and I felt so relieved that I didn’t have to deal with that yet. Ha guess the jokes on me. So I could leave my placed son off the diagram which I DONT want to do or I can include him and share more than I’m comfortable sharing at this point. To be honest it’s not just an adoption issue I also want to leave my sister off the diagram since she and I have…well a not so nice relationship. My head is telling me to include him and not even flinch. To normalize it. My heart agrees it’s breaking at the thought of not including him. So whats the problem? I’m a pansy.
To illustrate my pansiness (it’s a word now) I bring you other news in adoption infiltrating grad school.
We were discussing Charles Loring Brace and the Children’s Aid Society and Orphan Trains. The entire subject got my stomach flipping and my pulse racing. I kept my seat and didn’t utter a word….until… (come on you knew there was an until) A classmate compared the coercion of that time period: telling mothers to sign their children over to the orphan trains because it was in their best interest. to the coercion in the foster care system: telling mothers to voluntarily give up their rights because it’ll be better for the kids than having the state terminate their rights. So yep I opened my mouth and said It goes beyond the foster care system. Young pregnant women are told signing away their parental rights is in the best interest of their child even if they are capable of parenting. Yes I said it out loud. My voice cracked part way through and my heart was beating out of my chest. And I didn’t even say ANYTHING about being a birth mom.
So yeah I’m a pansy. Guess I’ll have to get over it sometime.
October 10, 2007
· Filed under Grad School
Last night I was going to finish the paper that is due tomorrow. But I didn’t.
I couldn’t find the article I was supposed to be responding to. I’d printed it, read it, highlighted it, and even made notes in the margins. And then I lost it. Typical.
I spent last night searching. I should have just printed another one. But my highlights and notes…
I went to bed exausted from tearing my apartment apart without completeing my paper.
Tonight I searched some more then capitulated and printed a new one. I’ve skimmed it to re-highlight and made a few notes. Not nearly as many as there are on the lost copy. The copy I’ll surely find in the morning.
For the last hour I’ve flipped through the article, stared at my highlights and notes, and then at the computer screen. I’ve typed very little.
4 incomplete paragraphs. I keep switching topics. Because maybe if I start this paragraph it will flow and then I can go back and fill in the one I didn’t finish.
I can’t afford to not complete this paper and so I can’t go to sleep yet but I also can’t seem to write this paper and so I blog.
I keep hopeing the act of my fingers typing will trigger something and the words for this paper will flow. No luck yet.
I can do this. It’s a simple response to an article. It’s not rocket science. I just have to have an opinion. How hard is that. Especially for me. I have an opinion about EVERYTHING. But someone today not so much.
Ok back to my response paper. No, I havn’t thought of what to write but i’m running out of things to put here as well.
