September 27, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
That is the number of hours between when I left my apartment groggily this morning and when I returned exausted.
In that time I went to work, sat through my first day of grad school, and grabbed fast food on the way home. There really has to be a better (less gross less fattening) quick meal after a 13 hr day but I just didn’t have the brain power left to think one up.
Class went well the usual introductions but what was unusual is that by 2 hours in the prof hadn’t even handed the syllabus out yet!
There will be more to write but now comes sleep because there is no escaping work in the morning.
September 26, 2007
· Filed under Grad School
I begun the day feeling nauseous because of a migraine now thats all better thanks to some nifty meds but I’m nauseous for a whole different reason.
I start grad school tomorrow. After 2 years in “the real world” I’m going back to life as a student. Since I do have to support myself it’ll be a part time, evening program which means I wont be done for THREE long years. It’s such a commitment. Three years that I have to stay in this area. Three years before I can realistically see myself switching jobs. Three years.
I’m freaking out right now. I am panicing just a bit.
I’ll be fine…and if not I’ll pretend I am. How hard could it be?
September 12, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
I take it back. I dont want to be a birth mom anymore. I dont want to be the one who breaks down in tears embarrassing herself infront of friends/coworkers. I changed my mind. I want to be a normal 24 year old. I made a decision when I was 18 why am I still suffering? I quit. I can’t do this anymore. I dont want to do this anymore. How can I be done. I have to go to bed now. I’m gonna be hung over inthe morning.
September 11, 2007
· Filed under venting
I’m posting a lot today. Apparently the old adage that when it rains it poors is true. More thing keeps happening to annoy me. The most recent is that someone found my blog by typing in “why is my child darker than parents”. This makes me sad. The answer to your question is genetics. Recessive genes can be dormant for generations and then appear suddenly in very visable traits in offspring. Ok so now I’ve answered your question, your turn to answer mine. WHY DOES IT MATTER?!
This makes me sad.
September 11, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
so guess what when you type birth parent counseling into the dexonline search bar it automatically changes it to adoption services. I DONT WANT ADOPTION SERVICES!!!! So rather than pointing me to counseling it’s trying to what…rub salt in the wound.
I’ll probably erase this later but right now i’m pissed
September 11, 2007
· Filed under Adoption, venting
I thought now would be a good time. Now, that I’m stable and not struggling with anything overtly I could find a support group. I could actively search without having to force through that wall of depression that makes it difficult to get out of bed let alone actively search for a support group. So I googled birth mom support groups birthmom support groups birthparent support groups birth parent support groups and every other conceivable combination I could think of in the hopes that something would have appeared since my last google session. No luck. So I grabbed my copy of the yellow pages and made a few calls. On the third I broke down and cried on the phone.
I don’t know why. So I am writing this hoping to get my feelings out so I can get back to calling but how do I get my feelings out when I don’t know what they are. How do I make that next call when I’m terrified I will end up crying while on the phone with another stranger?
She was perfectly nice explained that while “their” birthmothers get together sporadically they don’t have a set support groups and suggested some church in Redmond. It’s almost worth the LONG drive to check it out but I just don’t know if I can handle birth mother stigma and non-Christian stigma in the same sitting.
Then she asked how long ago I placed and I said 2001 and she didn’t say anything but I just felt the judgment. The well aren’t you over it by now judgment. And that has more to do with me than her so then I felt guilty for putting that on her I’m not psychic I don’t know what she was thinking it may not have been anything like that at all.
And then in a genuinely caring voice she asked if I could tell her what I’m struggling with at the moment and I opened my mouth and all that came out were sobs.
I’m sitting here still crying and embarrassed for crying and mad for crying. I want to scream or crawl under the covers and sleep for a while. A week should do it.
I’ve written (well typed) and I don’t feel better so I guess I’ll just sign off and stare at the yellow pages and dare myself to make another call.
I just had a thought ANY BIRTH PARENTS IN THE TACOMA WASHINGTON AREA WANT TO START A SUPPORT GROUP???? If anyone responds to this maybe it will save me from more embarrassing phone calls.
September 8, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
left whom I’ve not embarrassed myself in front of in the last 24hrs or so. I’m thinking the answer is no. I guess I’ll spend today updating my “people to avoid for all eternity” list. I can’t even articulate the mortification I feel right now or what led to this. maybe later.
September 7, 2007
· Filed under Adoption, Grad School
As I prepare to begin grad school I have casually been searching for an internship. I say casually because my internship doesn’t begin until summer quarter and it’s not even until winter quarter that I’ll need to sit down with my advisor. In my program we have 2 internships each lasting about a year my second is going to be in school social work. In order to get a school social work certificate I must have my advanced practicum in that setting. While school social work isn’t my first choice I lived through 11 months of job searching after getting my BSW and feel getting a school social work certification will help in the job search post MSW.
So anyway I am looking for an internship in pregnancy options counseling. My first choice is in a counseling center not affiliated with an adoption agency and also that isn’t too closely affiliated with a religious organization. However today I can across an adoption agency web page and under the Consider your Options link it has a list. On that list is the usual questions such as are you ready to parent etc and then I saw them:
- Are you ready to let go of a parenting relationship with your child?
- Is adoption right for you, or do you think adoption is what you ought to do?
- Would you be comfortable with an ongoing relationship with the adoptive family and the child?
- Financial challenges are temporary; adoption is forever. Are you comparing yourself unfavorably with what an adoptive family can offer?
- Are you giving yourself credit for your ability to be a good parent?
- If adoption is your choice, are you prepared for the sense of loss the separation will bring?
- Do you have supportive, caring people who will go through the adoption with you?
If I have to do my internship in an options counseling program affiliated with an agency THIS is the one I want to do it with.
September 2, 2007
· Filed under Adoption, Friends
I tackled the question on regret over on the forums after avoiding it for awhile. One of the prompts asks about being validated. It reminded me that a shout out to my friend J is in order. J and I have been working together for about a year and have become friends from there. We go out after work together and talk a bit but I’ve never REALLY shared the hard stuff with her. I don’t like to share with much of anyone really because it’s usually brushed off. So anyway J and I are driving back to work from a training and I mention that I’m thinking about starting therapy. (long over due but continually out of my price range) Instead of the “what do you need therapy for” or “that’s a waste of money” or “aren’t you over it yet” responses that have over the years come from everyone from my best friend to my family J said, “It must be hard waking up wondering what it would be like if…” Yep J was the first person in SIX years to show me compassion and understanding. To let me know that it’s okay that it’s hard that it makes sense for it to be hard. I’m not crazy, I’m not dwelling, ITS JUST HARD! I called her later to tell her how much that meant to me. Good thing because I’ll never have the courage to tell anyone in my life about this blog. Oh yeah this is one of the friends who got together and gave me a mothers day card this year. THIS CHICK ROCKS!
