After a bit of a hiatus the girls and I are making an after work trip out on the town. (well after work for them since they work swing shift). I am in no mood to go out. I am pre-funking to mellow sob-tastic ballads. But I’ll hop in the shower do my hair and make up and put on a cute outfit. I’ll smile I’ll laugh and eventually maybe I’ll have fun. Cause I’m young and these are the things I’m supposed to be doing right now. Well I just hope faking it will lead to the real thing.
Archive for July, 2007
Persona non Grata
Growing up in an army family, we moved a lot so we became a very close family unit. Well as close as a family who can’t communicate worth a darn can be. In addition my sisters and I never really developed that knack for forming long lasting friendships. So my family is pretty much all I have. I have a friend from high school, although we have nothing in common anymore we still hang out occasionally. I have some co-workers I go drinking with but beyond work again not too much in common. So it’s family or nothing and as of today it’s pretty much nothing.
I dont agree with all of my sisters parenting choices, but she’s the parent so I try not to interfear. When it’s something big I will say something in the most non-confrontational way possible and still I get reamed by the parents for butting in. (like the time I suggested she take the baby to the doctor yeah that didn’t go well…turns out she had pnemonia) Well today dad wasn’t in the room to stop me from opening my big stupid mouth with that look he gives when he knows I’m about to say something to upset sister dear and I actually vocalized that I thought she hit her daughter too hard.
Yes her daughter bit her, yes mom used to pop us in the mouth when we bit, no this wasn’t just a pop on the mouth. I heard it from where i was sitting, I know how hard my sister can hit she’s hit me. Even when she doesn’t mean it to hurt it does. So i opened my mouth and now I’m persona non grata at my parents house.
Never wanted to be that daughter that only comes around from thanksgiving and christmas but I guess thats what i’ll be.
Been meaning to get used to being alone anyway.
oh yeah…
Even though I named my blog therapy is expensive, it seems every so often I need a reminder. I have begun the search for a therapist again. Not only can I not seem to find one anywhere in a 50 mile radius that has experience in adoption issues but the ones I have found charge well more than I can even dream of affording. Even cutting out groceries I can’t pay what they list as their session price. This sucks.
Okay not really any more coherent than I’d have been while drunk last night
Recruiting 2 people to help you tie someone up at gunpoint isn’t the act of a stable person. That woman was not in her right mind when she kidnapped her son. Does that excuse the act? NO.
If the adoption was final, beyond the point of contesting and all parental rights were irrevocably terminated she no longer had any legal claim to her son. By taking her son (especially in the manner in which she did) she broke the law.
I don’t know the specifics of her adoption. I don’t know if it was ethical. I don’t know if it was her choice or if she was coerced. Knowing the little I do I can’t believe she was in a proper state of mind to be allowed to sign a contract but hey again I don’t know the specifics.
We (birth/first moms) get mad when people say our infants won’t miss us. We push and push trying to get people to recognize that infants can be traumatized by separation from their mothers. That infants grieve. Well what of this child. This poor little 5 month old baby who was violently taken from his mother. Not his birth/first mom but his mother none the less. Is that not traumatizing?
And now this baby has been traumatized twice in 5 short months. This baby has lost any chance at having any openness with his birth/first mom during his life. Because his a-mom would have to be insane to decide that that’s a good idea now.
I can’t speak for every birth mom but I can speak from my own experience. Being a birth mom sucks. I have missed my son every day of his life. Some days are so bad I don’t know if I’ll make it. But I would never kidnap my son. I have had their address since the beginning and never once did it occur to me to go to their house and take him by force. It’s not an option.
It’s not okay for a-parents (or p-a- parents) to take a child illegally (remember our outrage over Evelyn Bennett) but it’s also not okay for a birth parent to take a child illegally.
Never mind all the what-ifs that come into play when weapons are involved.
F*ck
that was my immediate reaction when I read about a birth/first/bio mom who kidnapped her 5 month old son. Did I mention she and two friends tied up the a-mom and had guns. Yeah way to help the stereotypes.
I dont know the specifics of this adoption but it seems a bit off to me. It’s hard to articulate (could the late hour and the many drinks at the company bbq have something to do with that?) I was going to try anyway but instead I will sleep and try to be coherent tomorrow.
It’s Over
I just finished Harry. I dont want to spoil it for anyone so I wont talk about the plot. But I’m sad that it’s over. Sure there are two movies left but as far as new exciting plot twists, it’s over.
had to let it out
Why didn’t they think for one minute how it would sound? How it would make me feel. To hear that message. To have the responsibility foisted on me. It’s not my responsibility. It’s not and I hate that I am the one having to take the initiative.
back story:
When my baby sister got pregnant I still lived at home. As the oldest child living at home I had the largest room (not really all that large but larger than the other two kids rooms. When she decided to parent I mentioned to her that if she wanted to switch rooms let me know because she and the baby would obviously need more space. She never brought it up again. I suggested it again and since a lot was going on in my life (like working several jobs and having just graduated from university so searching for a real job) I asked her to let me know soon so the switch would be complete before the baby was born.
So never mentioned it again. Then my father asked me if I’d thought about switching rooms with her and I told him I’d offered but it was up to her to come to me and let me know. Well dad decided differently. Apparently it was my job to again approach her about the room switch and get it underway. So I moved all my stuff out of my room and slept on the couch for a month and a half while my sister took her sweet time moving into her new room. Then she was settled in her new room but still had a bunch of crap in her old room and so on the couch I stayed for a few more weeks. Finally I moved into what had been my room in junior high only to find out that my bed wouldn’t fit and so on the couch once again until I could buy a smaller bed.
I don’t hate my sister but I am bitter. I drove her to all her doctors’ appointments during her pregnancy. I helped her arrange her medical insurance for the baby. I drove her here and there I held her hand during her epidural and even though she never once even stepped foot in the hospital when I had my son I made sure there was never a time someone from the family wasn’t with her and every moment I wasn’t at work I was there. And I paid for the birth certificate. I did it because she’s my sister. But at some point I thought there would be some gratitude.
It’s her sense of entitlement that really gets me. Instead of admitting she’s blessed (spoiled) she will go to great lengths to explain why she’s actually deprived.
When I moved out I thought that my days of being my sisters keeper were over but I was wrong. This latest one has my blood boiling. My parents are going on a cruise for their anniversary. My sister has a summer job which means the baby is in daycare well my sister doesn’t drive.
My other sister and I were going to wait until she asked one of us to drive her to work and the baby to day care but we waited and no question ever came so about 2 weeks ago I offered. (I know I’m an enabler) So said she was getting her license before they left. Well about a week ago I asked again same response. This morning my mom called.
She wanted me know if I would be transporting the baby to daycare and my sister to work. Well let’s see NO ONE ASKED ME TO. So I waited and yes today my sister asked if the offer still stood. A whole 2 days before the service is needed. I arranged my schedule ahead of time so that I’d be able to do it. But it’s aggravating that she waited till the last minute. It’s annoying that mom called me instead of talking to oh I dunno the mother of the child that needs to get to day care.
It’s no my responsibility to insure my sister gets to work or her child gets to day care.
This is the last time. (I say that often but I mean it this time.) I will not enable her any longer. This week I will be the good sister. I will drive my niece to daycare and my sister to work and then back again. But that’s it. After this I’m done.
I think all of this aggravation is compounded by the fact that it’s summer and in my family that means birthdays, which means it’s yet another family get together almost every week. Memorial day, birthday, birthday, 4th of July, birthday, parents anniversary (birthday), birthday, labor day, birthday as if we need any more excuses for family bbqs or dinners out. (The birthday in ( ) is my sons and not really a family get together since I’m the only one who ever seems to care but I felt it deserved a mention on the list)
Even though I’m loving the sun I can’t wait till fall.
my day off
I’m just back from seeing the Harry Potter movie. It was good. I enjoyed not being at work and not even thinking about work. I’d write more but well, I’m tired it’s 3am.
adoption vacation needed
I’m pretty “out” regarding my birth motherhood. I have pictures of my son on my desk at work. When I get new pictures of him or that he drew I share with anyone who will sit still long enough. But apparently there are some in the agency who didn’t know.
As an agency we have several sites and in my new position I interact more with people from other sites.
Thursday I had a conversation about the pictures on my desk to find out that she is an adoptive mom who closed her open adoption. I’m not sure but I think she may have wanted my approval for her decision. Yeah that was an uncomfortable conversation.
Then in a training Friday all the case managers are talking about how to discuss certain topics with our clients and the trainer asks those of us with kids how open we are with our kids on these topics. And after the other mothers shared they all looked at me. Now I thought they all knew he doesn’t live with me but nope. Just when you thought you knew the workings of office gossip it lets ya down.
So I stated that his mom and dad get to have the tough conversations with him but if he has any questions about anything I will tell him 100% the truth and be completely open with him. And there our training turned from its intended topic to adoption.
So I used it to get up on my soap box. I’m not a crack whore blah blah blah ya’ll know the spiel.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I need a day off from adoption.
Oh yeah then when my niece was screaming bloody murder because she doesn’t feel well I suggested that my sister take her to a doctor and was promptly told that my help was not needed followed by a stinging “what do you know you gave your kid away.” Yep sisters gotta love them. Btw I was right she has pneumonia.
ick
I came across a thought provoking thread on the forums today. The great race debate. Some agencies charge less for bi-racial babies and less still for full black babies. Aside from this practice just feeling generally icky I’ve been pondering what it could have meant for my son. I’m mixed my son’s father is white so my son is bi-racial I guess that’s the middle fee…but what if he’d been born dark? Would his parents have been given the black baby discount even though the paperwork said he was bi-racial? Now in reality my son was born light…blond hair blue eyes light. Lighter that his white (a) parents. Did the agency get to go back and charge them the white baby fee?
Adoption fees should not vary based on race. I feel sick to my stomach that this conversation even has to happen.
I had more to say (rant?) but I can’t go on, maybe later.
