Therapy Is Expensive

I have some friends I didn’t know were friends.  I thought they were co-workers who I’d drink with on occasion.  Well sunday night we went out and when they finally showed up (they’re always late) they handed me a card.  A mothers day card. They got me a card.  On mothers day.  (yes I know i repeated myself).  No they arn’t just co-workers that I drink with.  They are my friends.

ps no thats not a typo in the title

Woke up this morning feeling like complete and total shit.  I know it’s a fake holiday but I still didn’t want to get out of bed, so I didn’t.  Then my non called and wanted me to go shopping with him.  I figured it was a good way to be distracted all day so I agreed.

We had lunch and I kept tearing up but managed to keep the tears at bay.  We went and looked at computers and I was fine.  Then we went to buy a gift for his nephew.  His new born nephew.  I almost broke down in the store.  What was I thinking leaving my bed this morning?

We watched a movie and though a few stray tears escaped I was mostly ok.  But then I got home.  And as soon as the door was shut I was sobbing.  Why? I dont know.  This entire weekend SUCKS. 

 I was sort of scared of how badly I am handling this today and decided to search for a therapist.  I was reminded of why the title of my blog is Therapy is Expensive.  As far as I can find out from my paperwork therapy isn’t covered by my insurance and thanks to my trusty web search the cheapest therapist in my area is 100 dollars a session.  Maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot to others but I’m 23 with a not so well paying job (although it is above minimum wage) with LARGE student loan payments and semi expensive rent.  I cannot pay 100 dollars a session for therapy. I can’t. 

Is it wrong that I just read another blog about a shitty bmothers day and it made me feel better.  Not that I’m happy someone else is miserable today but that maybe I’m not crazy since someone else is in sorta the same boat.  Goddess I’m a horrid person, a good person wouldn’t delight in another’s misfortune.

Why this week. Why as mothers day has me in a tail spin does Grey’s throw me for a loop.  My beloved Grey’s has been tainted by this weeks episode.  I made it through the episode where Izzy’s daughter (that she’d placed) needed a bone marrow transplant only be blindsided by this.  Joe and Walter are adopting and they brought “their birthmom” to be examined.  Okay in the shows favor is the fact that Walter amended the title to “potential birthmom” (a step in the right directions).  In the substantially longer con column are the facts that the expectant mother is a teenager, a minority, hasn’t gotten prenatal care, wistfully talks about how one couple she’s considering has been struggling with fertility issues for 10 years as if her sole purpose is to “cure” that, and refers to her baby as “it”.  Goddess I’m going to throw up.

Hey at least she wasn’t on crack…that we know of.

I’m typing through tears.  I hate my life at this moment.  I don’t know why.  I just got a promotion.  It came with a raise.  Not a big raise but a raise.  I have my own apartment, which I pay too much rent for but it’s mine nonetheless.  I have friends whom I will see less than an hour.  And yet I’m crying.  I’m sad.  I’m miserable.  And no one seems to care…or even notice. 

There is one person who might understand.  But I can’t talk to him.  He might as well not exist.  His girlfriend, fiancé, wife, whatever she is at this point wouldn’t appreciate me calling him.  But it would help.  I almost believe that he’d talk to me.  He’d understand and listen as I let it all out.  But that’s not an option. So I sit here with my computer and cry. 

What does it matter anyway?  I probably wouldn’t be able to talk.  What would I say? I miss him.  He’d say he misses him too.  Then what.  There are no other words. And I’d feel stupid for calling him.  For disrupting his life.  And that would just add to me feeling awful. 

My non called while I was in the midst of feeling awful.  He got upset I wouldn’t tell him what was wrong.  So I called him back and shared.  I told him I dont do well around the holidays and that seeing my family had triggered all the bad feelings inside me to come out.  And the conversation was over in less than 2 minutes with less than 2 words from him. Okay I lied.  He said he was on his way to the gym and we’d talk later.  Thats more than 2 words.  But it doesn’t matter because no we wont talk later.  I quit.  There is a reason I dont open up.  And today was a reminder. 

It’s funny the one person I can actually talk to just doesn’t understand (and possibly doesn’t care) the one person who’d understand I can’t talk to (and quite probably doesn’t care).  Okay it’s not funny IT SUCKS.

 I’ll be better on Monday I’m sure and probably wont have another sob fest until August.  When he turns 6.  Where has the time gone?