Archive for April, 2007

ok so it’s probably not a conspiracy

but it sure feels like one.

I have a problem with money.  More specifically I have a problem not spending money.  Even money I dont have.  I’d gotten better for awhile but recently got depressed and well started shopping.  I got rid of most of my credit cards awhile back not all of them because “you never know when an emergency will come up.”  Yeah that was my excuse then…

It’s easy to rack up the bills on a credit card and I never do it with one big purchase, it’s always a bunch of little things I can’t afford.  Dinner out one night.  More groceries than I should buy before pay day.  An article of clothing thats on sale.  But slowly the balance creeps up there.  It’s especially hard now that I have friends at work. 

It started out as a once in awhile thing but then every wednesday the three of us (sometimes 4) would go out for drinks.  Now it’s Wednesday and Sunday.  Today is sunday.  I’m broke.  Payday is this coming Friday which means that I have to make it through tonight and wednesday before payday. 

I have money in my checking account but it’s for rent.  I’ve tried to set a budget in the past for our nights out but when you’re out with friends meeting guys and making fun of some really bad karoke who can remember a budget? So to be responsible (on some level at least) I decided to check my balance before heading out.  Well the website is down for matenience every monday from 12am till…wait it’s not MONDAY! OH but it is on the east coast.  Damn left coasters (well right coasters if you’re looking north) they dont want me to know how much I’ve mangaged to spend in the last week or so on little bitty purchases that ADD UP QUICKLY. 

So I have to leave in a minute and I’ll just have to remember to not spend too much…yeah like that ever works.

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Bah Humbug…or is that just for Christmas

I just realized mother’s day is fast approaching. 

I HATE mothers day.  It’s a great concept, my mom is great she deserves a day to be pampered.  But couldn’t we just do it on say her birthday instead and call it good?

My first mothers day after giving birth was hard. 

We (my 2 sisters my dad and I) always take momma to IHOP. They give out carnations to the mothers.  I dont get one.  I dont expect one after all no one could possibly know that this young woman with no child anywhere near her is a mother.  But that first mothers day my older sister got one.  It hurt.  At the time I didn’t see it from her perspective.  It was assumed by the hostess that she was either A) the mother of one of her sisters (only 3 and 7 years younger than her) or B) pregnant (either of which could be a possiblity because both have occured).  So I guess that wasn’t a very good mothers day for her either.

Last year mothers days got worse.  My younger sister followed in my footsteps and got pregnant at 17.  Only she chose to parent.  So she gets a flower. 

I dont expect and hugs or happy mothers day well wishes.  I dont deserve that, I get it, really I do. But it still sucks. 

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Kinda wondering: whats the point?

I blogged about Stephanie and Evelyn Bennett.  Both here and on my Myspace.  I sent out a bulletin on Myspace and posted to the myspace birth mothers group I belong to and I sent a mass email about the Stephanie and Evelyn Bennett case.  I dont really feel like I did enough but I did what I could and I guess I’ll have to be satisfied with that for now.  The good news is a friend that I emailed has family in Ohio and forwarded my email to them. So yea for that.

The bed news is that the post to the birth mothers group didn’t get nearly the reaction I was expecting.  The first reply was negative and semi accusing this isn’t an exact quote but it was along the lines of “why did she sign papers if she didn’t want to go through with adoption” and when I reitterated things from my orignal post and reposted links the person never re-responded.  Then there was the second response where I was told that either A) I was so stupid for falling for this hoax or B) I made it up.  GRRRRRRR This isn’t the first time I’ve felt frustration with this group. It reminds me of some of the fluffy bunny Wiccans I used to encounter who believed it was all rainbows and sunshine and only wanted to hear about those aspects that back up that belief.  Well guess what nothing is all rainbows and sunshine NOTHING.  Not Wicca not Adoption not LIFE not anything! 

Its funny I’m not anti-adoption.  But thats how I’m being viewed in this group.  When I encouraged an expectant mother to consider parenting when she listed finances and wanting a 2 parent home for her child as her motivation for placing I was all but flogged.  All I did was ask her to think on it some more and point out that money situations change especially with the temporary help that is available and that a 2 parent home can quickly become a 1 parent home.  But that means I’m criticizing her reasons and judging and thats awful.  No it’s not I’m giving her some things to consider and I even said that it was her choice and she had to decide what was going to work best for her situation but just THINK about these things. 

Now today I visit that group and find that the great birth mom title debate is brewing there.  I almost didn’t respond but then I just had to.  The what do you think about the title question was posed the only response was one saying that she liked the title because she’s not her birthchilds mom blah blah blah.  I know my opinion isn’t very welcome by the others in that group but until they kick me out I’m gonna keep giving it because who knows maybe they will read something I write and think on it.  Maybe they’ll learn to accept the not so sunshiny side.  Maybe they’ll grasp the awareness of the dark and try to change it or at least bring that awareness to others.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to read the forums and not want to rip my hair out. 

By the way if anyone is interested this is my response to the great birth mom vs first mom vs natural mom vs WHATEVER debate:

Anytime people try to label an entire group of people some members of the group will object to that label.  For instance I’m black but I have friends who consider themselves African American.  I use the term African American when I refer to them and black when talking about myself the same goes for other labels.  I for one am not offended by the term birth mom.  (However I do prefer it to be two words as opposed to one more of a discriptor of my motherhood than a completely different title).  I think the discriptor birth identifies the special bond of giving birth to my son and I’m good with that.  I do not like my son to be described as my birthson His parents and I all refer to him as our son because even though I’m not his parent I AM one of this moms. I do know some are offended by the term birth mom and when I speak to them about their situations I use the term they prefer, mostly first mom. I think it also has a lot to do with the intent behind the label.  There are a lot of negitive conotations that go with the term birthmother.  Stereotypes about our morals and life styles but I dont think changing the terminology will change that only awareness will.  I have heard people talk about birth moms in a negative way and the tone of voice used while saying “birth mom” gives me plenty of understanding of why some people dont like the term.

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The Kidnapping of Evelyn Bennett

 Right now in Ohio 17 year old Stephanie Bennett is missing her daughter and as her first baby is about to turn 1 she has no idea where she is.  Baby Evelyn JoAnn is hidden by would be adopters who have been advised by an unethical adoption agency to keep their whereabouts unknown.  17 year old Stephanie was raising her daughter with the help of her parents until she was handed a brochure for A Child’s Waiting adoption agency by her high school counselor.  The next day the agency was at the school and having 17 year old Stephanie sign papers on school grounds. She was then convinced to run away from her parents home to sign more papers severing her parental rights and to hand over her baby.   

I keep emphasising that Stephanie is 17 because it’s important to realize that this is a MINOR we’re talking about.  At 17 you can’t buy a beer.  You can’t vote. You can’t join the military.  You can’t sign a lease.  You can’t excuse yourself from school for being sick.  In Ohio where this happened at 17 you can’t had an abortion without parental consent. But you CAN sign away your parental rights.  Thats right at 17 one of your parents will have to not only be notified but CONSENT and sign for you to terminate a fetus but a minor can sign away her right to raise her 5 month old baby without even discussing it with her parents.  THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
Maybe homeschooling IS the way to go.  I’ve heard outrage over various subjects being broached in the school environment.  Sex, politics, religion but where is the outrage that a SCHOOL COUNSELOR helped A Child’s Waiting adoption agency coerce a 17 year old to run away from home so she could sign away her parental rights to her 5 month old daughter.

It’s been said that the adoption agency didn’t do anything illegal only unethical so there nothing to be done.  Well there is something to be done there has to be.  I just dont know what it is yet. But we need to stop the legal kidnapping.

People think I over react and blow things out of proportion if you don’t believe me check out the facts here or listen to sunday’s episode of The Adoption Show. Also check out other people’s reactions to this case by clicking on some of the blogs on my blogroll.  The following timeline was found at AdoptaPundit.com

Evelyn Bennett Timeline
/06 – Stephanie found that she is pregnant and hid it from her parents until 3 weeks prior to delivery. She is tall, this is a first pregnancy and the popular baggy clothes worn by young people made that possible.

/06 – Stephanie delivered Baby Evelyn Bennett and named her for her Great Grandmother. The plan is that, with her family’s support, Stephanie will raise the baby.

Stephanie’s parents are not wealthy people, so Stephanie and Evelyn go on Medicaid.

/06 – Stephanie told her parents that the father was a school friend. She lied to her parents because she was afraid of the real father who had been making serious and repeated threats against her family. Stephanie attempted to protect them from him and what he would do to her family, to her and to Baby Evelyn.

9/07/06 – After 5 months of repeated and serious threats to her family’s health and safety and emotional abuse from the putative father of her child, Stephanie approached Thomas Saltsman, Counselor, at Glen Oak High School in Canton, Ohio. Stephanie originally went to discuss a schedule change, but mentioned adoption. As soon as Stephanie mentioned adoption, Mr. Saltsman turned, got a brochure from his desk for A Child’s Waiting Adoption Agency and arranged a meeting for the next day in his office.

9/8/06 – ONE DAY LATER. Stephanie signed the initial paperwork that began the process. Mr. Saltsman signed as witness, in his office, at the high school. This was the ONLY meeting between Stephanie and the agency people, until the agency worker came to take Baby Evelyn on 9/12/06. There was no counseling nor protection offered to Stephanie. An attorney was present, as Stephanie’s “independent counsel”, but she also handled adoptions for A Child’s Waiting Adoption Agency on a regular basis.
9/12/06 – As a policy, Medicaid demands the name of a father, or they require DNA testing on any possible ones. The young man that Stephanie claimed was the father in order to protect her family’s safety from the real father went to have his DNA tested. Stephanie was to bring Evelyn in for her test to see if they matched, but Stephanie never came. She had already run away, as directed by the agency rep in the school guidance counselor’s office, to avoid the DNA testing. The involvement of a father in the proceedings would complicate things for the agency. Proven fathers have rights that require protection. DNA evidence is proof of paternity. No proof and there are only putative fathers, who legally need not be consulted. Evelyn was not tested, as she had already been taken from her mother by the agency.

9/12/06 – Stephanie and Evelyn ran away (at the agency’s suggestion, in the Guidance Counselor’s office,) to Carrol County where Stephanie’s parents could not interfere. This was the last time Stephanie saw Baby Evelyn. The agency rep came to this place and picked up Baby Evelyn.

10/2/06 – Judy and Ranza Bennett got temporary custody of Baby Evelyn; went to the agency in Copley Township in Summit County accompanied by Copley Police. Agency told the police that they had spoken to the 17-year-old but told her that they could not do business with her while she was a minor and that neither child was at the agency.

10/16/06 – Judy and Ranza notified by Canton police that they were to appear in court on 10/17/06. They were not informed as to why.

10/17/06 – Judy and Ranza went to court, even though there was still no information as to why they were called there in the first place. Stephanie appeared accompanied by A Child’s Waiting. Court placed Stephanie into a Respite Home due to allegations of abuse made against Judy and Ranza Bennett by the putative father – the same man who been making the threats against Stephanie and her family which led to Stephanie signing surrender papers for Baby Evelyn. He stated that there was neglect and abuse against both Evelyn and Stephanie. A case worker came to Judy and Ranza’s home to investigate the charges of abuse.

10/18/06 – Stephanie ran away from the Respite Home and called a friend, who called the caseworker, who advised him to take Stephanie to Family Court. While in court, Stephanie told the judge that she wanted to return home to her parents and her sister. The Lawyer for Child Protection told the Judge that there was no sign of neglect or abuse in the home. Evelyn’s pediatrician stated that he had no concern about Evelyn being in the home.

/06 – Stephanie then told her parents who the father actually was (there is no more information about the father available beyond this as yet, as charges are pending and any information leaked could jeopardize the case).

Attempted to find an attorney who could handle the case and would work for payments that could come later, for Stephanie and the baby.

Dec. 31, 2006 – Rick Armon’s article appeared in the Akron Beacon Journal.

Early January, 2007 – Sandy Young called the Bennett family to offer help. They said that they could use it.

January 07 – Hired Paul Reiners to defend Stephanie. He agreed to work on a pro bono basis, unless they won the case. In that event, they would owe him standard fees.

1-19-07 – The first time Stephanie went to court in Summit Co. with Mr.Reiners. She was not allowed in the court room. Paul Reiners came out of the court room and told Stephanie that the Magistrate, Diana Stevenson, had put a gag order on all parties involved in the case.

2/2/07 – Judge in Stark Co. ruled that the custody order of Ranza and Judy Bennett was no longer in effect; That another court had precedence.

2-21-07 – Stephanie went back to court in Summit Co, where she is still fighting for the return of her daughter Evelyn. This date was to determine if the Surrender could be overturned. The judge was to rule on this matter on March 27, 2007. The briefs were to have been turned in on the 23rd, with the judge ruling several days later.

March 07 – The Bennetts replaced Reiners with Jennifer Lowry, who obtained a continuance on the ruling by the judge and obtained the court transcripts. She could find no evidence of any gag order on any party to the case. She still prefers to have Stephanie remain silent, as a matter of choice, and to protect her, but her parents and the attorney are not so bound.

April 07 – Obtained copies of the complaint filed against the agency in the matter of Stephanie Bennett by her mother. The agency was found to be not in compliance in numerous areas. So far, no actions have been taken against the agency by the state, despite being out of compliance.

April 9, 2007 – Meeting with Jennifer Lowry. She was excited about the Bennetts having a copy of the complaint. Also has started to plan a reunification.

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Doubts

I’m lucky, is what I’ve been telling myself.  My agency was ethical.  They cared about me.  It could of been so much worse (ok that last one is true) HA today I learned that the agency that handled my sons adoption is soliciting people on line to convince them to place their unborn children.

I feel sick.  I feel dirty.  I feel used. I feel angry.

It didn’t happen to me.  But I am angry.  On behalf of Jenna, on behalf of first/birth moms, on behalf of all women.

When I first read about this I felt like going back through every aspect of my experience with them.  Checking and double checking for signs that they weren’t ethical.  I feel I should have known.  I feel….I dont know what I feel. 

Im at the point now that I need to stop myself from going back and really examining that whole experience because I dont have time to deal with whatever emotions might come up so back down it all gets stuffed.  Someday I’ll be able to pull it out…to feel.  but i dont have time for anger right now. 

I feel stupid.

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I HATE holidays

Tomorrow is easter.  I guess I should say happy easter anyone who happens to read this but I am not in a particularly well wishing mood.  Holidays are a time for family and well I’m not to fond of the one I got.  Tomorrow I will wake up and go to work after I get off of work I will head over to my parent’s house where they’ll be finishing up Easter dinner.  See they planned an early easter dinner so both my sisters could be in attendance before they head to work one small problem I WILL BE AT WORK WHILE IT’S OCCURING. 

Just a slight oversight I should be used to it by now.  I was actually semi pleased when this plan was first announced.  I thought I’d found a way out of a family get together but no my attendance is still expected and dad is not pleased I’ll be late. (he actually expected me to be able to leave work HOURS early with 1 day notice). So I will head over and munch some leftovers and help my parents watch the baby while younger sister is at work.  I’ll be ignored for tv and computer games  by mom and dad respectively.  Then when i announce I’m leaving I’ll get the “already but you just got here” response followed by a “you never visit”

Yep I already know exactly how the day will unfold so maybe I should skip it and spend the day in bed instead.

Tempting.

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Jealousy, Guilt, Resentment ahhh must be a family get together

Today after work I hung out with my older sister, mom, and niece (younger sisters daughter).  I arrived at moms house and my niece ran to me and said 2 words that to me sounded like my name I looked at my mom thinking I was imagining things but she confirmed it.  I was very happy that aside from hi I was her first word.  well okay she does sometimes say something that might be up. Then I felt bad that she didn’t say momma first.  I felt like I was hijacking milestones that my younger sister should have been enjoying.

I love spending time with my niece.  She’s my only niece and thus my favorite (until I have another at which point she will be my favorite first niece). But sometimes I find myself thinking thoughts that I’m not proud of.  Thoughts that make me seem like a very small person. I will be patiently lacing her shoes or wiping the sticky goo from her hands and face after she eats and think “I hope they (meaning mom and dad and maybe even older sister) see this and realize I could’ve been a great mom. better than younger sister if they’d have given me the chance.”

I then feel guilty I dont want my niece to ever think I’m spending time with her because I miss my angel.  Because I do miss him but thats not the reason.  I love her because she’s her and I love her despite the fact that she’s younger sisters daughter. 

Then younger sister arrived picked an argument making me WANT to tell her that the baby had said my name (but I didn’t).  Dad was grumpy the entire night.  Brother in law declined to appear.  Mom retreated to her bedroom right after dinner.  Just your typical night with the fam.

My goal now is to avoid family functions for awhile they are exausting.

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