March 29, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
and sometimes I need more.
I’ve been down the last few days. Work and family have been stressful but even my empty apartment which has been a refuge from all that craziness hasn’t really been happy place recently. I miss my angel. We have an open adoption, or I guess it’s more semi open. Visits are allowed but we dont have any perameters set up. I went out for his birthday but we havn’t talked about a next visit.
I know I should just ask just say hey how ’bout I come out there in ____ month and stay for a few days. But I also know I can’t really afford it. Plane tickets arn’t cheap and I’ve got too much pride to borrow the money. So when I do finally get the ovaries to ask for a visit I’ll do what I always do and ignore the fact that I’ll eventaully have to pay the money back and put it on a credit card. I know I need to open the conversation about setting up perameters so I dont have this “what if I never get to visit again” stress. But I dont have the ovaries to do that either.
So last night I got home from our weekly night out in a really wierd sad mood. I thought if I could just let myself cry I’d feel better but I couldn’t cry. So I listened to the Dixie Chicks “Voice inside my head”on repeat and I still couldn’t cry. So I added that song “Somewhere out there” to the mix still no tears. As I did all this I came across “From Gods arms to my arms to yours” I’ve never downloaded that song before because some of the lyrics really annoy me (not to mention I’m not really sure “God” exists) but last night that song combined with my other “I’m sad” favorites brought the much needed tears.
I did feel a little better and I was able to fall asleep after that,but today I’m sad again. I want to stay in bed ALL day but I can’t because I have to in to work in a little bit…on my day off grrrrr
March 29, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
Ok so maybe my social work degree isn’t that snazzy it apparently doesn’t compare to a BA in psychology since thats what she has and she keeps getting the promotions over me but guess what THIS is what i went to school to do. THIS is what my internship prepared me for. I’m not just bidding my time until grad school is done and I can get a swaky $100/billable hour clinical job.
Ok so i am kinda bidding my time til grad school is done. But there is no swanky job at the end of that rainbow for me THIS is the end of my rainbow. Working with girls just like these, helping them change their behaviors and heal from their pains. So IF i get accepted to grad school in 3 years I will graduate with an MSW and still be HERE. Possibly even working for the same agency but only IF they stop screwing with me.
So maybe I’m a little cranky, could it be because i worked a 13 hr shift yesterday? Could it be that a whopping 1.5 hrs was spent preparing me to be acting cm until they hire a new cm who may or MAY NOT be me? Could it be I had to go in today on one of my days off and still dont have answers to the scheduling problem that is how do i do my job and be acting cm at the same time. Could it be that i have to go in tomorrow on my other day off? It’s all of these things and so much more. I’m just cranky.
March 27, 2007
· Filed under Adoption, Think on it
So there is this new plan in the works, I believe it’s in Texas (go figure). Lets pay pregnant women who are considering abortion money so that they place their baby for adoption instead.
WHAT!?!? isn’t selling human beings illegal?
Ok so lets play pretend. I’m pregnant and choose abortion. I need money so I take the $500 option and dont abort. Do I get it right then? because if so whats to stop me from going and aborting anyway?
Ok they probably thought of that which means I wont get the money until I give birth. But what if I give birth and decide not to place? Does that mean no money for me? and what about those who decide to place who didn’t consider abortion first, no money for them either?
$500 for not aborting but only if you choose adoption instead. That just feels dirty to me. I want to vomit.
I brought it up on the ride back from Tvotr the other night and my non didn’t see the big deal. Am i CRAZY? Maybe I’m just overly sensitive to these things.
March 26, 2007
· Filed under Adoption, Think on it
Some people sing in the shower but I think in the shower. Today I was thinking about my angel. The son I placed for adoption over 5 years ago.
I was considering all the things I’ve read recently about adoption reform about choices about a lot of things. Mostly I was thinking about a blog I’d read about doing away with pre-birth matching. At first I was horrified. But now I’m wavering. Maybe part of the reason I couldn’t change my mind is that bond I’d formed with M&J.
Could I after all those hours of labor and (failed)delivery and the eventual Csection and the drugs (pain meds not illicit substances) sitting alone in that hospital room been strong enough to actually look at them (or their lawyer) and said “hey guess what I changed my mind”.
And if through some miracle I’d have had the ovaries to do just that would I go through life wondering about them. Feeling guilty (because wow can I hang on to some serious GUILT). I even feel guilty on my “what if” days. You know the days where I try to figure out where I’d be if I’d parented. Half way through the day dream I feel guilty. And if I ever vocalize any what ifs the guilt is added to by people who say things like “yeah but what about M&J”
Think about it for a second would you ever go up to a young mother and ask her if she feels badly for the family that didn’t adopt her baby? Of course not the thought is ludacris. Why would you ask someone who didn’t consider placing that question? Well why should a mother considering placing have to ask herself? Why should the guilt she’d feel over not placing with the adoptive parents weigh on her decision? I imagine the guilt would still be there even if I hadn’t chosen a couple and started to bond with them. But I think it’d be easier to get over disappointing some abstract couple but not M&J. So maybe they’re right maybe matching before birth is a bad idea.
I dont know, just something to think on.
March 26, 2007
· Filed under Think on it
Ok Pork is a no-no for a lot of people especially if you’re Muslim or Jewish. Muslims arn’t even supposed to touch pork I believe. So I understood the problem when a friend told me about an article she’d read. Apparently a cashier refused to ring up a customers groceries because she was buying bacon. OK I get religious freedom. I understand some people are devout but isn’t bacon wrapped in plastic.
Is touching the plastic that much of a religious no-no? If to you it is, then why get a job as a cashier in a store where pork is sold? And how far does this go? If you wont ring up plastic wrapped bacon then is delivering pizzas out because you can’t touch a box that might contain pepperoni?
Just one of those things that make you go hmmmm.
March 26, 2007
· Filed under Out and About
For those not in the know it’s a band. And I went to see them (for the second time actually) with my NON (a non-boyfriend is basically an ex-boyfriend but because the term ex has such negative conotations and since I dont think this particular former flame is a jerk he gets the title NON) The concert was great and I LOVED the first act which was a band called Subtle.
I highly recommend seeing subtle to anyone who ever gets the chance.
Then we went to Qube a fairly new spot in seattle that was between the venue and my car. Seems kinda trendy, the bartender was saying Mandy Moore had been in last week. Interesting Bar menu and there were others there for my non to tell his Tvotr stories to (since I’ve heard them repeatedly).
All was going well until the drive home when in his slightly drunken state he got annoyingly critical. So he got dropped off at home after which I’m sure he went to the bar around the corner and I drove straight to the West End where I knew my girls were. After some slightly drunken oversharing with a stranger I felt much better.
Well I’m off to listen to my new Subtle cd.
March 25, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
So after about a month of not much word. Calling and getting voice mail. My baby momma (M-my Angel’s adoptive mom) called me today. We caught up on whats going on in eachothers lives. She filled me in on my angel’s newest accomplishments. He just finished basketball and will be starting t-ball soon. Kindergarten is going great. His brother is almost 2 and already entered the “terrible twos”. When I saw her name on my caller ID I got so happy. We didn’t talk long or about much but it made me HAPPY.
My angel still hates the phone but since during my visit I saw him refuse to talk to his grandmother or aunt I will gladly take the quick Hello yelled into the phone as he got away from it as quickly as possible.
March 25, 2007
· Filed under Uncategorized
Ok I left the nut house (translation: left work) about 2 hours ago and I have to go back in 7. Am I sleeping? Nope. Am I even contemplating sleep? Nope, I’m online trying to figure out this nifty blog I just signed up for. Ahhhh priorities.
